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Uh...heh...i know that it's not going to make much sense to me now that i'm actually putting my thoughts SOMEWHERE...and the person i'm going to mention by some chance is going to read this but hell...it's gotta be said.. So...here it is:

A certain someone (anyone can guess who it is...it's practically common knowledge) and i got into it a while back...it wasn't the first time and i doubt it's the last, but...this time something unexpected happened, something i'm not proud to admit...I was ten seconds...not even 10 feet from doing something i would regret. I would've killed myself just to get away from them.

I mean hell every now and then if you're in a relationship and you get into an argument you mentally ask your self "Just why again did i fall in love with this person again?" And you instantly think of all the good times you had with them, which makes you regret ever saying some of the things you said. Sadly each time i asked myself that...i didn't regret anything i said. I was indifferent, i was without a single care in the world and for that moment my heart just wasn't in it anymore. I was done. For good.

However, once things had ended between us, i instantly felt my old habits coming back and some new ones forming...i would cackle out of nowhere and mumble something to myself, even in public...i would simply stare at someone and think of killing them...i thought increasingly of killing myself if it would keep me from hurting that certain someone again...and from being hurt by them. All in all, i thought i was gonna go nuts.

But now that we're together again, i keep wondering, is my heart still trying to mesh? Am i really starting to completely depend on this person for everything? Do i even love them any more? And my mind goes blank at this last question...i try to tell myself that i do but i'm just so unsure now if i do love them, especially after what happened. I know that everything that happens between us is my fault, that i make too many mistakes and leave them uncorrected...i know that without this person i feel incomplete. I feel useless. Unwanted, unloved.

I can't even begin to count how many times i've told them i loved them, and each time i did so i poured everything i had into each and every word (Yes, i realize i use too many commas xd ). I also said a lot of things to them that i regret, but with all the things that have happened between us that's made things go down hill, we some how manage to repair some of the damage tht's been dealt, though not ever scar heals completely (as in to a point where it's just a symbol of the trauma that you've been through) and not everything you say can be taken back.

I'm still trying to figure out if i do still love them, but as far as i kow, the answer's yes. But, as i said before...i just don't know if i can handle being hurt again...not by them.

Kairu_Alvan

P.s: Don't take this as me saying i don't love you, cookie because i always will...just, i'm trying to figure out if i feel the same as before.
heart Muffin