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I don't feel myself lately my thinknig process changed, now i don't think of ANYTHING..sometimes it's jsut blank in my mind. That never used to happen....

I could be thinking of cuddlybear or.....other people close to me and then jsut it goes to a white page. My mind goes completely blank. I don't know why I think maybe my mind is changing things around. i hope for the better. I can't afford anything worse right now.

Things are all over the place jsut got a letter from cuddlybear somethings going on and i really wish I knew what. it kills to think we are slowly drifting. He says I'm the one thinknig of that but IM NOT. I'm thinknig that it's clearly possible. I jsut gotta get it threw my head I'm NOT good enough for God's perfect creation.

James I really am not good enough how do you put up with me? Noone so far in my ENTIRE life has gone this far for me other than my family but they are forced to you are not. James please if you are sick of me by now tell me. It's been months and i wait each day for those dreadful words

"I'm sick of you get out of my life"

I've heard this so many times before.I Can;t take it anymore I shouldn't have a life like this, All I know is that james ever says anything related to that I won't cry. I've been expecting it.......I really thought for a long time we could last. I had so many fantasies of us lasting forever even as death came.

Now the way things are I'm not having those fantasies anymore. I feel utterly sick. I even get sick of myself. I've changed so much in such little time i've become a depressed freak. Where'd my fun and cheery side go, I didn't used to think about life like this i used to think of just enjoying life as it was until death. No death NEVER even came into my mind. now it seems like the most lovely thing. I dont WANT to die though. I WANT A NEW LIFE HOWEVER....

My new fantasies are just with Me,James,Julia,Sam,and Tommy
Only thsoie four people in my life and we all care for eachother everyday...and since we have eachother noone is ever sad.....

I HATE my life but i dont want it to end.

I havn't smiled in a LONG time now...or at least a smile that was real. Cuddlybear......a love that is so strong....but also so WEAK

How one person could love another but their love.....is jsut not EEVR suppose to be...or even supposed to have been...

When me and cuddlybear first met I always planned on never seing him again..Now i imagine how that woulda been...if I never met him...or went on with my plan on never seeing him again...I woulda never found love, never woulda found....God in the body of a human...

Again i think God is teasing me....to make someone jsut as good as he....and name him James.....James....James...

Deep in my dreams every night i hear an echo of his name.....just going on and on with the name...then....a light comes in and it brings me into reality...and his name fades.....till the next night..the same..and same....James..James...James...

I promsied to keep him
I promised to protect him
I promised to lead him
I promised...to someday break those promises

Crazy yes...and makes no sence....but I somehow no imma end up up FORCING to not keep them........i cant explain....

Im to tired now..>BYE!