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********. I had lost it, I have lost it, I shouldn't care, is against my nature to obsess over anything much less a person who dislikes me or one who has forgotten me. Whether it's been a year & a half or five. Any real losses have not been forgotten. I have attempted to get over them, I really have, but for some reason pasts stupidity haunts me. I have hurt anywhere from 3 to 10 people just because of one person, one person who has repeatedly failed my expectations. Who knows how many I've hurt for the other. People I look at as seasons, not really there. They come for a short time, befriend me, & I in turn turn them away mock them harm them, use them, forget about them, & don't care. Oh but here's the best thing in turn I cannot imagine why it happens to me. Karma knows how to get to me, & she decides to in the weirdest ways. I have no real emotion for the losses anymore, but I can't let it go. The first one became a whore, & the second one, well I can't honestly say I know anything about her anymore. I rant about how I hate people who do things from a prejudice stand point but I , in turn, do things with even less reason, at least they can pretend it's because they were raised to think that, or they're ignorant. My reason for doing something to harm another being is purely a pseudo way of collecting my revenge from a person on the sidelines. As though they'd care, if they'd know. I write about people in journals, most of them unknowingly. I don't tell them. I hate telling them. I'd have thought someone would be able to tell by now, but I really see problems as shallow attempts for recognition. I appologise for things I have no part in. I try to appereciate things I don't care about. I act like I don't know who is or isn't reading. I don't care anymore, & if I was a better fatalist I would be dead by now, but on that note I will add, I am not a very good fatalist, I still have hope, I still trust, & I still fear. But I suppose the only thing I really fear is pain, probably why I couldn't bare to kill myself. Or it's my un-yeilding want to learn, or even the fact that I'd never solve anything.I'd hurt people I do care about, & it wouldn't harm anyone I'd want it too. So untill I find my way out of my own self depression untill I find out what I can do to be remembered, I will continue to look for a gun.