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The Rantings and Ravings of Me. |
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Okay, so, it's 4 am now, and, once again, I'm awake. But now, I feel this anger seething in my chest, which, is definitely preventing me from sleeping. I figure it's because I supress it so often, that, at times when I'm weakest (ex. tired) it rears it's ugly head and then I get like this: scream , evil , and even this: crying . But really, I'm just this: emo .
Ok, so, I start my rant:
I figure that, since it's the summer, a lot of people are busy and/or enjoying their vacation. Good for them, really, solely since if they weren't, they'd be on my a** all the time, checking up on me and other crap, then I'd have to curse them out or just ignore them altogether because I'd get highly annoyed and bitchy after having to deal with these people on my vaction. JUST BE ON VACATION AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!
Well, to be honest, it didn't/doesn't matter if/whether they checked up on me a lot or not, because, I just (and have been) flat out ignore them anyhow and for no just reason at all. I don't want to be in touch with those people, and I guess it's quite obvious now since, I haven't been doing so for so long and they have stopped trying to get in touch with me. I just feel like "F--k them", "leave me the hell alone or next time I see you I will slit your effin' throat and watch you die". Why? It's probably to do with my bipolar disorder. Basically, I have emotional issues and tend to be overdramatic at the worst possible moments in time. Overall though, I am a strong girl, but when I'm weak, I'm weak. And it hurts to know that someone you love, doesn't love you back, but it makes you glad to have never been the dumbass to say, "Hey, I love you." Okay that last bit may have seemed random, but really, it fits with all that I just said, here's how:
This, guy, (of course, a guy had to be involved in all of ths) I was somewhat (somewhat because it was never official...damn a*****e.) involved with during my freshman year of college has pretty much fallen off of the face of the Earth. Now, hypocracy is about to come in:
I'm mad at him for not returning my texts and I feel as though he's ignoring me. I want to hear from him, and I want him to hear from me, but apparently, that's not what he wants. Things like that, are/were never what he wants/ed. So, basically, I was just his little fling for a whole school year...such a waste I tells you! And now, I feel used, horrible, stupid for letting myself be used and for being such a fool, and as though I'm going to make the entire world suffer because of that a*****e, and to make me feel twenty gajillions times more worse than I already had, to bring me to the verge of tears, is the fact that while I'm up, being all upset, thinking of the worst things ever to do to myself and so on, he's asleep, he's living his life, commenting on people's Facebook pages and pictures and so on, being, "Him", doing "Him". And what am I? A whiny little b***h that can't just get over it...
But okay, back to the previous rant: I just feel like "F--k them", "leave me the hell alone or next time I see you I will slit your effin' throat and watch you die"...it hurts to know that someone you love, doesn't love you back, but it makes you glad to have never been the dumbass to say, "Hey, I love you." --That's how I feel towards him. Mainly him. And ever since school let out, he's been distant and different, making me feel unwanted, unloved, uncared for. Soon, I began taking out that rage and disdain on others and began to completely ignore everyone. Well, I ignored them all first, then he started ignoring me, so I figured God was just playing some type of game or something and he was just showing me how everyone else that I ignore must feel. Well, okay God, thank you for that lesson...
Okay, so now my rant is falling apart and I'm more mad and depressed than ever. I just want soo bad to call someone and say, "Hey, I'm not okay." Or, "Hey, listen to me rant and rave for a good few minutes, or, just put the phone down, while I yell into it 'till I feel better." But sadly, it's approaching 5 am, and I know no one who's going to console me like that.
I just wanted to get all of the aforementioned off of my chest because, I had no where else to put it. I wanted to put it on Facebook, but, then I realized it would get to much attention, then I'd have to kill everyone.
One thing I can't stand is when people get that sudden concern out of nowhere. Like: you've been sitting there crying for hours, and no one notices, but the second you say, "I'm going to slit my wrists and watch myself die now" it's all, "No, don't, please! You have soo much to live for. You're so young, so beautiful, so this, so that..." NO! NO! NO! You didn't care before I got to this effin' point, so why care now?! Leave me alone! And if I didn't say anything, you would have kept on going with your life. And that just goes to show how much you know me; obviously not enough to know that I'm thinking of, slitting my wrists and watching myself die. I know that I'm not perfect and that I fall victim to this all the time, that I jump on anyone who comes out and says, "blaah blaah blahh, suicide, blaah blaah blah," (I don't really hear it that way, it's just that now, tiredness is kicking in and that was an easy shortcut) when for the pass, however long, I had been ignoring their cries and depression, or just been oblivous to it entirely. Point is: I don't want sympathy, or empathy, or pity, or guilt. I want genuine feeling. That's it.
God, I'm so mad!
Nex topic to rave on: God.
Alright, it's not really him, it's just those people who feel that praying to him all the time is what's going to help. NO! It's doesn't work like that, not for me. I do pray, yes, but, I don't make a habit of it, nor do I do it when I want something. Honestly, I just sit there and talk to him as if he was a regular person. And I'd do that now, but I feel like he's busy, since EVERY PERSON IN THE EFFIN' WORLD IS PRAYIN' TO HIM. Plus, I don't really feel like it right now. But the point of this part is: Don't tell me, "I'll pray for you" or "You need to pray" because chances are, if I can find you, I will kill you, and then tell your bitchass to pray about that! I don't want to hear it, I really don't. I'll pray to him on my own time, and hey, maybe that's my damage, I don't have enough faith, well, then I guess that's just my effin' problem right? Yeah, I thought so.
See, you guys, haven't seen me fully depressed or angry or anything like that, and I try not to let that side of me be seen, but, it's nights like this where, it shows. It's like a demon that you try to keep under wraps, but the second you slip, it's out raging hell on innocent passersby while you chase after it with a butterfly net...
Alright, well, I'm coming to a close now, a friend of mine saw my status on Facebook, which is nothing harmful, it just says, "I won't be on here for a while, or answering yall when yall call/text, but, yall are already use to that, so, I'm not worried ^_^", and well, now, he's concerned. Well, I have been ignoring this person for a while, so I figure I'll just humor him 'til I fall asleep.
And if this rant has errors or loops holes and other inconsistencies, I really don't give a s**t, I'm tired, pissed and in bitchmode, what the ******** more do you want from me? stare Yeah, that was rhetorical.
 Lafleur Soleil · Sun Jul 19, 2009 @ 10:12am · 0 Comments |
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