Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I fell asleep for about three or two hours yesterday out of sheer depression. I ate chocolate to keep a smile and hop to my step, and watched Reborn to bring pleasant dreams and draw out some of the tears welling inside.

I am not changing as much as I say. I am not poison. I know this. I just get so scared that I get confused. I get confused and my thoughts spin to the worst. But, I do feel lonely. That much is true. It is my own making though ^^ as it is for others.

I must get a 2 unit or 3 unit class to reach full-time student standing. Right now I don't care what it is as long as it is some units. Classes here are overbooked by 40 people per class at least. There is darkness surrounding everyone yet I must remain hopeful. I am hopeful and cheerful. The only way I personally see that I can battle this is to try my hardest and spread the hope. That is my duty as far as I can see...

I might go see someone so that I can have someone else to talk to. I need someone to confide in and well, let's be honest here, I call at inconvenient times for most people. Lawlz. Not blaming anyone or pointing anyone out, just saying that most times I call at the wrong time...

I have a fun class next. I am cheerful and hopeful but above all I am afraid.

Fear is probably the reason I thought I had changed so much. In high school I battled fear with delusions, friends, and rebellious natures or fun things. I am pretty much doing that right now. I eat cookies, kinda not eat, and watch anime. I think a lot to myself and love talking to myself. There is something calming to it. I don't have any other worries but my own so I worry so much more. I fear so much more than from in high school.

I truly wonder how people view the change in me from high school to college... good? bad? miss things?

A lot of things are dead since then and along with them, a sense of my pure child within me. I miss that me but am proud of what I am at the same time. And I wonder how it would have been different with a few little changes. All the possibilities, they are thrilling to ponder.