Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

This is a journal/poem directed to my....who is now known as my ex-lover. I told her that Halo was going to be our song because of how much it reminds me of her and what she did to me. She saved me....I was going through depression because I found out that I didn't love someone like I should, but I never wanted to hurt him during the break up. It was hard for me....extremely hard. I became depressed and often wandered online with nothing to do in search of hiding myself from that hurt.

Till she came along. She talked to me after visiting an rp site....she came to me, and opened a new world to me. A world that I often thought that it was wrong for me to partipate in. Till I met her. She was...shy, beautiful, clumsy, yet so much full of life....I fell in love with her instantly. She was my inspiration, my motivation and my savior all in the same time. One could never express....how much she meant to me. My beautiful love. It was hard for her to see that I was serious about my love.....she had been hurt in the past..... She was my very first lesbian experience. Even though our relationship was online, I felt alive.

I became motivated to get to school because I wanted to take care of her. To help her to get to her dream of being an analyzer for Canada. I guess I wanted a happy ending to much to realize that she didn't need me as much as I hoped she did.

Love is hard for me. Living in a house of manipulative people, one cannot help but manipulate back unconsciously and consciously to get something that one needed or wanted. When you live in a world of darkness and turmoil like my household, one can't help but wonder if love was like this. Beatings and apologies, lies and deception, hurt and sorrow and betrayal and forgiveness. I tried on several occasions to manipulate her without any succuess. I would always apologize when I realized what I was doing and tried to right things. She was one...who could always manipulate me, but I couldn't manipulate her. She manipulated my heart into true love.

Yes, true love. Sounds corny, does it not? Sounds like a fairytale. It was for me. We would rp, fight, love, talk, and hug each other. Always online because we lived to far apart for us to see each other. Till she came to me...she came to my hometown and when I saw her. I swear that the harsh lights of my mother's house began to dim and soften in her presence. I saw her glorious face and I couldn't help but freeze. I was in the middle of putting my shirt on. I must have looked like a fool as I hugged her. I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed as hard as I could. She was real. She was a dream come true.

We spent a week together. The most beautiful woman that I have ever laid eyes on. I guess I should have known that it was too good to be true. I should have known the dangers that lurked ahead.

She had a halo above her head when I saw her. She was my angel and I was her knight. I would be the one to protect her...or so I thought. I became to protective...and I guess that's what drove her away.

But I am getting ahead of myself. No need to rush now. It's all over. Nothing left for me. My family? They're all in the South while I am in the North. I tried to get closer to her but I guess that was futile. We couldn't talk as much, seeing as we had 3 hours of time that we lost. I began to go to school for her. Everything for her. It was then that I knew that I was foolishly and hopelessly in love with her.

I know that I am speaking like an old person here. But when you are depressed like I am now....it is hard to be yourself, even online. I try to smile now. Try to hope...try to think "It's alright. I didn't need her" When the truth of the matter is that I needed her. She was my light. Now I am in the dark, left alone in a forgotten world of despair. Whoops, I am sounding like a poet here. Not meaning to.

Darkness is nothing new to me. I have known it all my life. No, I do not have depression like many people...I am far from depression. In fact, I am merely a slave to unhappy times. Abused, unwanted except for my mother, who always wanted me, left uncaring by a father who thought it better to slap me than to understand me. Not that I blame him. I was always a troubled child. I must have caused him a lot of grief...still, to find someone else to believe than one's own daughter. That is heartbreaking. It ruined me to realize that my father would never trust me again. Thus the abuse of my step-mother would always continue to haunt me in my dreams.

This darkness, however, is one that is darker than before...or maybe because I just got used to her light for three years, it seems darker to me now. Childish and foolish, I was, to believe in something like everlasting love. Not for someone as hidious as me. Not for someone as fat as me. Yet I find no recollection of her talking about me in her journal. Not that I stalk her. I merely try to keep up with her to make sure she's okay. .....That makes me sound more of a stalker, but believe me when I say that I loved her more than the world. I loved her so much that I would easily kill myself just to make sure that she's unharmed.

I guess I am a troublesome person. I am hard to get along with, seeing as I am merely a child. Merely someone to struggles to get their way by any means possible. I guess my father's abuse has left a stamp on me. No one really understands my mind. Not even me...except her. Ah, you thought I forgot about her? I thought she understood my childish impulses, my childish way of seeing love. I guess it was thus that drove her away.

I do feel foolish, but I have been holding this rage, this distraction, this HURT for three days and it's time to put an end to it. To my dear lover, I did love you. I loved you so much that without you, I am put through a world of pain and mental anguish.

You say that time and depression pulled you away from me....I guess that three years was far to long for you to be with someone like me. Always my fault. Always my pain. I may be acting like a victim here, but it is the only way I know how to live. It is a foolish way to live, however, I have come to understand that life is.....life has the ones that suffer anguish and the ones that cause it. I am not strong enough to cause the anguish, so I merely suffer it with a smile.

For three years, I struggled to be strong to you...but seeing as my poetry is about to fail me once again, I will merely tell you and everyone else that cares to read this piece of crap why I chose a song that was done by a over beautified pop star. Perhaps that was my failure. Perhaps that was the reason why it went south. I guess that I am too superstitious. I still sign online day after day after you broke up with me in hopes that you will get back online and everything will be okay. That is merely a delusion of mine. I should create a new address for both AIM and MSN. Maybe then my delusions of us together.

Oh, one more thing before I explain the song. Here's something that I've been meaning to tell you since you broke up with me:

Don't you ever EVER assume that I never loved you, you disgusting little trollop! I gave you everything and ignored my family for you. The only people besides you that welcomed me with open arms because you wanted to spend more time with me. I felt that if I didn't spend time with you, you'd float away from me, but I guess that I was right. The reason why I didn't want to let you go was because I felt that you gave up our relationship to easily. To be honest, my lovely funnyface, I was fighting hard to get you back. But I see that I was hurting you, thus causing you to lash out at me.

I guess you never understood that our friendship would have never worked out. I was still in love with you. I was still needing your light. How can I be friends knowing that I can never have you after the three years that you spent with me. I still kept your handbook that you drew me for my birthday....Right now I'm struggling to know what to do with it. Set it on fire, or just leave it and let it continue to hurt me. I don't know. Life is extremely cruel.

I loved you with all my heart....but I guess you don't realize it. Love is a sweet pain that is neither loud nor silent, soft nor hard, violent nor gentle. Love is everything. Love is sweet and bitter at all times....I seem to get the bitter end more than some, I guess.


Now that I have said that, time to explain the song. Maybe you'll realize what I thought of you. Or maybe I am hoping that my sentiment will win you back....another delusion of mine that I know will never come true, my love.

Here is the song, dearheart:
Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound

((I built walls to protect myself until you broke them. They never fought nor did they make a fuss. They just fell when I talked to you.))

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

((You were my angel, you were my light. When I saw you, I saw a halo around you. It was then that I decided that you were mine. I never really thought that it would end this way, my love))

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

((I had rules when I dated, but they never seemed to hold up when I'm with you. Now I am wallowing in either self-pity or self-hatred. I'll let you know what I'm feeling in a moment....if I care enough about you then, that is.
Oh, and I never shut you out, dear one. You shut me out))

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

((You are my saving grace. You are my one and only. You embraced me and yet you turned away.))

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

((I prayed everyday that your light wouldn't fade from me. But I guess that it did. I didn't pray hard enough. I am sorry))

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

((Self explanitory))

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light

((I am addicted to your light. Like any normal addict, I'm craving that light again. I rock back and forth, I scream, I yell, I sob and I cry, but it won't bring that beautiful light back))

I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again

(( Gravity surely didn't let me forget...in fact, I was floating above the clouds when we were able to talk again on Saturday....then you broke the news that you didn't love me and I came crashing down from my fictional world))

Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
The risk that I'm takin'
I'm never gonna shut you out

((Just like before. If you can't remember, then just scroll up.))

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

((Same thing here. You have a mouse. Use it))

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

((Once again, you're everything I needed and more. Guess I'm stuck suffocating))

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Halo, halo

((Same thing))

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo


And that is why I chose that beautiful song to be ours. Because I felt it rang true to me. However, I don't think we were thinking along the same pages ever.

I asked your hand in marriage but I guess you just spit me in the face. I do hope that your next lover will love you as much as I did. Then again, I'm also hoping that they grind you into the dirt like you are doing to me. I'm complicated that way, I guess. *shrugs*

I still love you....and I guess I am still waiting for you to say I am sorry and love me again. I know it will never happen and that I will be stuck in this self pity or self hatred mode of mine. *shrugs* It's not like I care about what happened to me.