Alicia: The female verison of a female name. now what is the sense of that? Girls named Alicia know they are just dressed up alices and consequently grow up angry and resentful.
Amanda: A man what? Your baby's a man? What?
Amber: Royal Herald of the Minivan Royalty. Amber has as her responsiblility to guard the soccer balls and protect Queen Brittany of the desperatly Pretenious Suburban Elite (see page 50)
Amelia: Roughly translates from latin as "Working on it" or "Striving to get better." Amelias suffer from inferiority complexes and never quite live up to their Parents expectations
Amy: Amy has such a cutsey, juvenile feel that most girls name Amy never get promoted pasted 3rd grade. Likely nick named Lamely.
Angela: City of Anels, Angels in the outfield, Touched by an Angel: haven't we had enough of this Angel crap already
Anna: Timeless schoolyard chant: Anna Anna, (insert verb here) my banana.
Austin:Crime rate per 100,000: Murder 7.2 robbery 301, burglary 1377, car theft 768. --------- Source: FBI Uniform Crime Report 1994.
Benjamin: likely nickname (after the renowned Irish writter of homoerotica): Ben Dover.
Blair: Timeless school yard chant:
Blaire Blaire with greasy hair
and tread mark on his underwear!
Experts estimates 46,783 derivates of this verse.
Brad: Hardware, not a name. Brads avoid the popcorn line at the movie theaters, perfering instead the taste of twizzlers and ju ju bees. Brads are not above accepting a bag of half eaten popcorn from Patrons leaving the theatre.
Brandi: "your a fine girl. What a good wife you would be." You're going to name your daugther after a top 40 song about an easy barmaid.
brandon: Possibly, untrue hollywood story: During the 70's Television's ABC incubated 1000's of brandons for later use on their Friday night family sitcoms. Most brandons turned out hideously ugly and instead ended up working in the commissary
Brittney: Queen of the minivan royalty, Ruler of the Desperately pretentious suburban Elite and archenemy of courtney, Queen of the daycare Soverignty. Most Brittanys live in extra fancy trailer parks.
Chad: likely nickname: Pregnant Chad
Charles: Prince charles ruine d this name for everyone.
Chase: not only will your baby be a frat boy, but he'll wear turtle necks and date only aspiring newscasters. When he makes his millions, and he will, He'll claim to be adopted and cut off all association with you (parents). Chances and Chases are jerks.
Christina: She'll eventually want to to be called Chris. And face it, chris is a boy's name! Boy's Name!
Colleen: Famous Colleens includes Lassie and son of Lassie
Colin: Of or relating to the human body's vilest organ
Cori/corey: Girl name! girl name! in the early 90's the screen actors guild advised all actors under 18 to change their names to corey. Tiger beat actually changed it's name to corey beat for two years. But like all fads, corey went the way of the bay city rollers. yonder.
Craig:Sounds like a crack in the cement or a rip in the seat of your pants. Likely nickname: Craig the faig.
Cynthia: At 30, when she wants to be taken seriously in the business world, Cynthia will -- drops book and serch for name again-- will inevitabley be taken down a notch when a co-worker refers to her as Cindy!
Denise: Derived from the greek god of wine and debauchery, Dionysus, but
translates as " the lame god." Could be a combination of the two implying a sort of divine importence.
Dominic: He'll go by Dom, which people will mishear as Tom. So you might as well call him Tom... but that's an ugly, boring name.
Ebony: What are you---- racist or something?
Elieen: Timeless schoolyard joke: You know the only thing more disgusting than oliva Newton John in Grease? " Come on Elieen." A hah hah hah hah!!!
Elijah:Likely nicknamed: smellijah
Elizabeth: A once graceful & noble name that has been chopped and reprocessed into so many American pieces that it now resembles its old self as much as American cheese resemble a dairy product. Choosing a name with so many derivatives is like letting your baby choose her own name. Maybe she'll pick Betty!
Elliot: Likely nicknamed: smelliot
Eric: Exclusively 4 redheaded gangly types who dress up like tarot card characters for halloween.
Emily: A mushy, meek, and funny name that even kittens find nauseating. She's not going to be a baby forever.
Erika: Eric with a cheap sex chang
Erin: My friend (ex friend) has this one! Erin Go brahless!
Felix: Felix, el gato! El Ludico, ludio gato! Your baby's likelyto be a fastidious little twerp.
Gabrielle/Gabriella: No teacher ever liked a girl named Gabby.
Garrett: Timeless schoolyard chant:
Garrett the ferret
he smells just like a carrot.
Haley: Along with bailey, share a position as herald in court of the daycare sovernignty. Haleys and Baileys will bow and tip their juice boxes when Courtney and Lyndsey pass.
Holly: Classic christmas taunt. Deck the halls with bowzer Holly!
Jacob: Proud biblical lagecy: screwed his brother out of his birthright and was tricked into marrying the homely sister of his fiancee.
James: They will call him Jimmy. They will. And he'll like it.
Jay: A letter not a name.
Jenna: 1/2 a name. Not quite Jennifer.
Jennifer: During the 80's, all girls not nmaed Jennifer were assigned the name jessica. Time to give this one a rest.
Joe: Your baby will think you didn't have time to come up with a good name, so you went a good name, so you went with the 1st one that came to mind. Joe don't always underachieve, but they are well aware that their parents expect them to. babies named Joe tend to be fat and bald... forever.
Joshua: If it weren't a name, it would refer to a wet, moldyrag. squish squash.
Judy:A name made famous by an enabling puppet and victim of spousal abuse.
Julia: is it all pretentious or wasteful that a 5 letter word should tie up 3 syllables?
Julian: Girl Name! Girl Name!
Justin: Likely nicknames: If he's always late, they'llcall him Justin-time. If he's alawyer, they'll call him Jusitn-case, why don't you just call him something else
Kalee: This name orginated when a father threw a bunch of letters in the air and went with whatever combination they landed in.
Katelyn: That's great! only 5 other girls on the block are named caitlin! She'll fit right in! How they heck are you suppose to spell this name anyways?
Katie: Every 8th grade boy has heard therumors about cathrine the Great and her horse. Girls named Katherine are the 1st people they tell.
Kelly: As classy as sticking a permanent "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" bumper sticker on your baby's face. Likely nickname: smelly.
Kevin: Irish AMerican who name their sons kevin have a inflated sense of cultural self and little imagination or orginality.
[b]Kimberly: All the allure and grace of a girdle
Kristen/kirsta/krista: Most parents cleverly turned to these hybrid names when their first choice, kristen, has already been taken. Their daughters aren't fooled by this slight of hand and suffer self esteem issues that only heighten when they meet girls who are really named kristen.
Most Kristens feel so bad about the whole sirsten/krista thing they change their name to patsy.
Kylie: a ridiculous attempt to squeeze one more name out ofv the letter K.
krystle: you're going to name your baby AFTER a shiny rock? Hey, everybody has troubles, butyou can't be that desperate. Show a little dignity.
Lily: pretty flower, ugly name. A name suited to jolly, round collectors of porcelain dolls. Pg 71 chat. Names Sure to keep your child jobless (aka So you want to raise a pornstar.
Linda: A real work horse. sturdy and dependable. A name that's hung in there through some long, hard times. Why, during the early 70's, it semmed to be just linda, carol, karen, and Laura out there getting all that naming done. She's worked hard. Maybe it's time to give the old girl a rest.
Mark: 1) A blemish. A scratch. A scar. When you see a mark on your skin, you get the darn thing removed! 2) Although the New testament clears this one up a bit, Mark is actually derived of Mars, the nasty god of WAR.
Mary: Mary of course is a beautiful name, and the life of a young Mary can be very fine indeed. Just ask any of the girls born in the last 50 years, all of whom are named Mary. There is, however, one hitch worth nothing: most baby books list the name Polly among the Many Mary derivations. Now, as harrowing as that sounds, the prognosis is good. 95% of all Mary's will manage to avoid contracting Polly and live a relatively normal life. However for those few Marys and their Parents who are not so lucky, life can be very hard indeed.
Matthew: As in doormat. a metaphor that all means girls know and use to their advantage.
Megan: Girls named magan want to be called mehgan, and girls called Mehgan want to be called megan. The rest of the world just wishes parents would quit naming their kids Mehgan... or Megan.
Melany: They'll call her Mel. Be prepared for that. Likely nicknamed: smelanie.
Melissa: Likely nicknamed smelissa
Michael: An advantage in giving your child the most popular name in america is that he'll never feel to special.
Michelle: Get ready for all your annoying in-laws and their lame beatle imitations: "Michelle, my belle. Sonne a mon ta blah, yuck, chamba wu. Kie chamba wu.
Mitchell: Mitch the b***h. Nervous boys tend to be called Mitch the twitch
Nicole: A name traditionally given to thelowest priced prostitute in a brothel.
Noah:Do you think Noah was laughing on the Ark? When the heathenspulled their row boats up to the ark, do you suppose noah told them to get lost? Seems Noah, besides being Gods favorite at the time, might have been a bit of a jerk
Paige: means "servant." Aim a little higher.
Pam: So flat and androgynous a name that most pams find they are unable to grow breast.
Parker: One who parks. Like a valet. Doesn't sound so pretentious now does it?
Randall: If you call him randall, kids will beat him up. If you call him Randy, teachers will think he has ADD.
"Hi, teacher! I'm Randy."
"Well try to control yourself."
Ray: A drop of golden sun. Likely nicknamed: Sweet Baby Ray (he won't make it to the White house with a nickname like than) Fay RAY.
Ruth:People will think she has a lisp.
Ryan: Means "little King." Originally conceived as a refferance to roy's member. Timeless Schoolyard chant:
Ryan Ryan can't stop crying
peed in his pants and his dog is dyin'.
Samuel: Despite all you protestations, they're going to call him Sammy. So if you can't handle that, don't call him sam. Likely nicknamed: sam I Am.
Sarah: Biblical History: a woman whose most noteworhty accomplishment seems to be that she was still kickin' it with Abraham when they were both past 90.
Scott: timeless schoolyard chant: Snotty, scotty, pees a lotty.Wears a diaper 'cause he can't use the potty.
Seth: People will think he has a lisp.
Simone: I don't even know you, and already I want to beat your kid.
sophia: Asophism is a lie and a sophist is a liar.
Stephanie: The sound dogs makes when they sneeze.
Summer: An Honorary member of the Daycare Soverignty, summer serves as the court magician, causing blossoms to bow to Courtney, and birds to sing to lindsey (see page 50)
Susan: If you don't already know a susan, maybe you're not alive. Once beautiful and lyrical, the name susan has been so overused that it now smells worse than a moldy dishrag.
Tiffany: Famed leader of the Trailer Park underground. Once among the elite of the Minivan Royalty, Tiffany was banished by brittany, Ruler of the Desperately Pretentious surburan Elite for being "two-faced" and "bossy"
Tom: Thomas... As with Kevin and Patrick, if you're Irish you're probably going to name one of them Thomas anyways, so go ahead. Why'd you even buy this books?
Veroninca: Everybody knows Veronica as the stuck up vixen from Archie Comics. Why dangle with it in front of those old Archie Fans? They have enough sexual frustration as it is.
Vincent: Like sticking a permanent Kiss me.I'm Italain! bumper stick to his face.
Virginia: Wishful thinking. See Names your child will never live up to. (Virginia was named after the Virgin Queen... Elizabeth the first.)
Yasmin: Very popular among children who smell (used Jasmine cause you used the spainish spelling)
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Panthea Marlon
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