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Why dating Ed would make you die a little inside... Fanfiction version! :'D Major crack...

Ed gets shrimp-napped by Mephistopheles

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1.

One fine lovely day, a fangirl came by and covered Ed's mouth an nose with a cloth. He passed out. This cloth was no ordinary cloth. IT WAS A FANGIRL CLOTH, HOMIGAWD, And by 'fangirl cloth' I mean a rag with Chloroform on it. Damn you're stupid.

So yeah, the fangirl had shrimp-napped Ed.

When Ed awoke, he was at a diner. He was somewhat frightened being as the girl sitting across from him look almost identical to Mephistopheles(the devil in the Faustus story/myth thing).

"So you've finally woken up!" She extended her scaly hand, "My name is Rabid Edward Fangirl #2649874291073547!"

"Can I call you Mephistopheles instead? It's easier to remember. Not to mention, it fits your personality. And if you're lucky maybe Faustus will sell his soul to ya!"

Mephistopheles smiled brightly. "If that's what you please, my sweet husband!"

"Ye--HUSBAND?"

"Yup! I got some fat hobo to marry us exactly two minutes ago! And congratulations, you're pregnant!"

Edward twitched and looked down. His tummy-tumm was swelling. "Yeah...how long have I been out for?"

Mephistopheles smiled once more, showing teeth and revealing fangs. "Only for twenty-six minutes. I raped you a loooong time ago. You were just too busy to notice!"

"Okay then...I won't get an abortion if we can name it Satan!. Because I already know it will have your...great...looks..." Edward shivered at the thought of how his baby would look.

"Okay, we can name it Satan if it's a girl and Jesus if it's a boy!" Mephistopheles smiled again and one of her fangs fell out. She picked it up and shoved it back into her gums.

Ed grew agitated. "WE WILL NEVER NAME OUR BABY JESUS!"

"Why?"

"BECAUSE JESUS WAS MEAN WHEN WE PLAYED PAINTBALL! AND HE MADE ME RIDE A HIIIIPPPOOOO!"

Then Mephistopheles had a heart attack and Ed's water broke.

Ed's baby was a boy so he shot it. The end.

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2.

Why dating Ed would make you die a little inside
Fandom made Ed a whore

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Edward Elric sat at a cafe' with Hyper Fangirl #1274. OMIGAWD, DEY WAS ON A DATE!
Hyper Fangirl #1274 had been talking for three hours straight, it was bugging Ed very much but he was being paid for this. He had to deal with it. "ZOMFG! I LOVE YOU! There's no whole point to my undying love for you, but I somehow think you are attractive in a very...odd sense. Apparently, I have not quite realized how much of a sensitive a**-hole you are. I must say that I have Miss Winry for the fact that she has boobies. Boobies that I will never have. And also there is that fact that she has talked to you. Isn't that just horrible? I mean, she has a mouth. She is very sexy but since I am your fangirl, and deffinately not Chibeh, I must call her ugly for the sad fact that I am jealous of her and her strong sibling and somewhat loving relationship.

"There are hint that she likes you that have been spread throughout the series. So, I must hate her. At one point in time, I tolerated her. Then, she stopped you from jumping off a roof after Al with a hump-hug.(A/N: I'm the only one who noticed that, ne? XD I found it kinky...what? I like EdWin...) Not many people noticed that. And at that point in time, I realized she could easily have you. So, I must say that I hate her."

Ed was growing very tired of this lengthy chat and glanced at the clock and gasped. "Gasp! I am running late!"

Hyper Fangirl #1274 cocked her head. "Late to what?"

"A lot of very important things! For the sake of fandom, that is."

"Like what?"

"Well," Ed sighed and took out his Clipboard of D00m. "First, I have to screw Roy for a doujinshi. Then, I have to go to Resembool to get some height adjustments. While there, Winry will randomly state her love to me and we will have random, kinky sex. Afterwards, I have to go to Dublith and make love to Izumi-Sensei for no complete reason. After that, I have to head back to Central and do some fluffy things to Riza, then go to Lior and see Roze and then she'll say she loves me and I'll turn her down and then come back three years later and tell her I lied and then we'll get married. Then, I must walk in on Al and Winry having sex and get jealous and cry. Afterwards, I will make hot, passionate love to Envy. Then make some bland, tasteless love to Al.

"Then, I must get a new partner who will be some sex god and fall in love with her. Then, I need to fall in love with an a** load of Mary Sues'...and some Gary Stus' as well. Then, I will become a vampire and KEEL PEOPLE DED! Then, I'll go back to Roy and have sex with him. Go back to Resembool and find my father and...somehow tell him I've loved him for a while...then...ew...we'll...ew...ew...kiss...ew...Sorry, It's my first time having to do a fanfic like that with my father.

"But continueing on, after that I need to become a hyperactive Canadian boy in College Is Hell. It's a great fic. Go read it...GO READ IT, DAMN YOU!" Ed threw the Clipboard of D00m away and it IMPLODED. "After all that's over, I have to go to an Aaron Carter concert..."

Hyper Fangirl #1274's eyes widened. "OHMIGAWD, are we really that bad to you?"

Ed sighed. "Yes, fandom has made me a whore..."