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So I'm writing here because I have nowhere else to write it. I don't have the will to write it in a blog, and Word has decided it wants to be a b***h. And if I don't write it, it'll keep swirling in my head, getting stronger and stronger, drawing more doubt and worry. I'll be writing this over the next few days, until absolutely everything is gone. I'm not sure why I'm writing this explanation, no one reads this journal anyway, so I figure I'm pretty safe writing it here.

I'm not sure about anything anymore. I thought I needed to be in a relationship to be happy, that that would give me the thing I'd been missing, fill the emptiness in my chest. But I was in a relationship and nothing changed. It might have gotten worse...I'm not sure. The hole in my chest is even bigger, and the only thing I could think of that might heal it did nothing to help me. But at the same time I'm so jealous of all these people in relationships. My friends, people I'd like to be with, people I don't even know, they all seem so happy, and I wonder to myself Why aren't I happy like that? Am I doing something wrong? I just don't understand. Was it the person I was with? Is it my fault? Is there someone I need to be with to fix that hole? Is there another way to fix it? WHAT THE HELL IS MISSING?!?!? What am I missing...? There must be something...There has to be some way to find out. I can't be stuck with this emptiness my entire life, can I?

There was this girl...And she was....well, for lack of a better description, my salvation. Being around her was like nothing I'd ever known. She made me feel like life was worth living, and I barely remember life before I met her, because my life after I did was so much different. Looking back, as cliche as it may sound, I feel like I was waiting for her. When I met her, she made me feel so alive. Life before I met her was so...hazy. It was dull, it was boring, it was routine, I did the same things every day. Even my weekends were the same. But after I met her, things kind of...lit up, I guess would be how to describe it. She was so fun, so spontaneous. She taught me how to live. How to take pleasure in the little things in life. How to hold on to what was important to me. How to cherish the people I cared about. How to let them know how important they were to me. She taught me just how much I can love someone. She was everything to me. The other side of my heart. All the things I wished I could be.She was the one who could make me happy no matter what, who I loved more than life, who I wish I still had by my side. She was my very first best friend, and someone who's damaged me horribly, through no fault of her own. No...this....this was all my fault.