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Once…there was this day…it was named valentines. Oh em gee. All the little children feared that tragic day. You’re probably wondering why people would fear Valentines Day. It’s because the large, big, gigantic frantic sea lions of the east travel to Italy and feed off innocent little spaghetti straps. This is the story of one poor spaghetti strap that traveled through Antarctica to please the beloved iced mochas of time. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the tuna casserole.

Hi, my name is Ashton Kutcher. I live a pretty boring life, sitting on this girls shoulder all the time. It gets a little frustrating and sometimes I wanna stuff dump in this chick’s mouth. But on Valentines Day, everything changed. Here’s that story. The girl I sit upon is named Bartholomew. She smells like rump, lemons, and trash. Sick. Okay so anyway, we were walking through the dumpster trying to find a new striped sweater. When we came across…a sea lion carcass.

“V-valentines day,” I snorted, horrified. Bartholomew stared at the sea lion carcass in disgust. “Ugh. This reminds me of the time I left those crayons on my plate.” Yeah, Bartholomew isn’t the brightest piece of ice cream in the pack of crackers.

“Um. Maybe you shouldn’t talk. You kind of make me want to blow up a burger king.” I said.

“That wasn’t part of the deal, square pants!” she grunted.

“…GAY! GAY! GAY! Gay, gay…gay…GAY, GAY!” I replied calmly.

I made Bartholomew walk back into town to warn all the other spaghetti straps that Valentines Day was going to start in 5 minutes! I was too late. Half of the girls we came to told us they would be shopping for new spaghetti straps the next day. I just can’t believe girls have gotten over the love of theirs lives… It sickens me. Sickens me so much that I just want to eat Funyns and Slurpees until I can’t eat no more, then puke all over Morgan Freeman’s bare-naked chest until there’s a little pool of Funyn and Slurpee in his belly-button ring. Well, I started getting bored so I started singing.

“CAPTAIN PLANET!!!” I belted.

“stop.” Said Bartholomew, and she slapped my shoulder. I don’t even know how, Taylor. But it happened so just deal with it.

I started to get really frustrated with this little- POTATO CHIP that I screamed in her left ear… it was a big mistake and I still regret it to this day. You see, Bartholomew’s left ear is very sensitive to pant strings, buttons, and me, a spaghetti strap so you know what she did? She cut me off and threw me aside. She left me . . . on my own. Sitting there on the cold, hairy ground, I heard the worst thing possible. One of the girls in the background was putting her shoes on.

“-huff- -huff- who put poo in my shoe…” she whispered. I new I was finished. When that poor sexy mamajama said those words I knew…that Valentines Day had begun.

I started my way towards South Ah-Mer-Ee-Kuh, but realized I forgot to pack my salad shooter just in case I had a little trouble with Bean-bag Race Spiderman along the way. Walking back to Bartholomew’s to get my shooter, you know what I saw her doing?! It made me feel so angry that I could punch a Rhino! She had a new spaghetti strap in her life, and I knew that spaghetti strap! It was my ex-girlfriend Lullaby Lisa! I broke up with her because she got in the way of me and my salad shooter’s relationship, and now she’s on my old owner’s shoulder. I knew what savory thing I had to do. So I screamed at the top of my lungs,

“Jimmy pooped his pants!” I screeched. As soon as the bipolar sea lions heard my scream of horror, they understood it meant free pizza. They stampeded toward town destroying any port-o-potty on the way. I knew it was best for my mother. I knew somewhere in this world she would be proud of what I did, and she would be eating cabbage casserole with her auntie Fred-burger. The sea lions bit lullaby Lisa right off Bartholomew’s shoulder. Then, they came for me. All of the sudden, Harry Potter flew by on Buckbeak and scooped me up in his arms. He is my knight in shining armor. From that moment on I knew that he was my one and only love. He took me to the drive through. We had a wonderful time. Then a really crappy thing happened. He said to me,

“Ashy-poo, I’m sorry but, Buckbeak is my freak because she makes me feel dirty.” He sobbed. I slapped him and hopped the fourth train to Antarctica. The ice burgs kind of made me think of Bartholomew. She had always told me it was her life long dream to see a real live ice burg.

On my way to Antarctica I bumped into my long lost friend, Moldy Meefet. He was on his way to Alabama to taste their delicious squids of the under-sea realm. “OH EM GEE! Like, it’s Ashton!” Moldy hugged me happily. “HUGGLES!” he shouted. I stared at him with lazy eyes and then kicked him off the train into the fly of despair. I then I received a call on my cell phone. It was Moldy. He sounded terrified.

“Like…oh mii gaaawd! I and Winry are totally trapped at Rose and friends! SAVE US!!!” then the call was cut off. I just ignored that freakishly gay call for help and helped myself to a box of sexily smothered chocolate pelicans. As I enjoyed my smothered birds, I gazed out the window to see two naked guys fighting over a can of paint. I giggled to myself as the train moved on.

I finally reached my destination! I was finally roaming with the tigers of Timbuktu. One of the tigers was named Leroy. He is one homo tiger. So…we got our nails done and went shopping at Victoria’s secret for a poo-stained pair of underwear with a turtle glaring ferociously at you.

When we finished shopping I ditched Leroy for my sexily smothered pelicans and took off to find the beloved ice mochas. It didn’t take me too long, maybe 7 years or so, but then I finally came upon the scent of their presence. Mmmm… it smelled… Caramelly. When I finally got to meet with the princess… I had forgotten what the reason for coming here was…oh well. There were five beloved iced mochas. They were named, Bob, Mike, Jeff, Sam, and finally, Princess Kwang Hee. She was a gorgeous mocha, but what mostly caught my attention was her beautiful, undeniable name. I kissed her straw delicately and introduced myself properly. “Yo, what up gee? I be the one and only bad ars Ashton Kutcher. Jus’ call me Ash ‘Kay babeh?”

All the sudden, I triple back flip kicked her in the face and ran for the door. I’m not sure why, but it seemed the best thing to do for both our sakes.

She fell to…erm… what should be her knees and cried out. “PINGU! DON’T WAIT UP FOR ME!” As Pingu ran into the camera pan, he went to Kwang Hee’s side. “I’m sorry I must leave you all alone with these smelly articles about Toot and Puddle, but I know you will thank me someday!”

I stared, clueless for a moment and then ran off. I would never see that beautiful iced mocha again. And to think, we could have taken our relationship to the next icy level.