This is my first writing sample.
Prologue: 1943
"Ella," the monster hissed, "come out, come out!"
Ella sat huddled behind the cherry wood bookcase containing porcelain knick-knaks and several marvelous books, of which every one was read by herself. But in the secret drawer at the bottom shelf was her diary- and it held everything she learned about these deadly, hypnotic demons.
Ella shrieked as a fist slammed the bookcase into the wall, shattering all the porcelain treasures. Ella got a peek of everything- the turned over bed; the purple lamp that caught fire; the clothes dumped on the floor, mostly in shreds; and finally the breathtaking killer, his head cocked in deep thought. Ella tried to run, but the predator caught her left arm and smashed her against the floor. The blood ran down her neck as the monster sank his fangs into her neck. And everything went black.
Chapter One~
Present-Day
Carley sighed as the moving van pulled up to the tall, creamy colored tudor-style home she would now be living in.
"Isn't it beautiful, Carley?" Mrs. Brennent asked cheerfully.
"Yeah, mom. It's...nice." She said as she carried her boxes up to the front porch. Carley wasn't fond of the small house, but if it made her mother happy, she'd put up with it.
"Dom, could you help me carry my desk to my room?" Carley asked Dominic, her best friend. He bobbed his head up. Together they hoisted the oak wood desk to Carley's room, along with the bed, dresser, night stand, and the dresser drawers. They also furnished the living room, study, and kitchen.
After dinner, when Dom left, Carley explored the halls of the cream colored house. She noticed the walls were scarred and rough. Carley went to find her mother in the study.
"Hey mom, did you notice all the walls are rough and scarred? They also smell sort of...burnt." she asked.
"Carley, the house was built in 1921. Also, I believe there was a fire here in 1943. A lamp broke while it was plugged in, and a fire started. the whole family perished. Such a shame, isn't it?"
Carley mumbled a quick, "Oh." and left to go upstairs. And that night she dreamt of a fire.
PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS!!!
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Searching4Wonderland
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You have a few awkward descriptions which could use some looking over, like "breathtaking killer", where 'breathtaking' normally would be thought of in the context of 'beautiful'. Also, in Chapter One, you use the phrase "creamy-colored tudor-style home". Considering the word 'creamy' is a word more inclined toward texture and not a color, maybe you should just stick to "cream-colored" instead?
There was also an odd transitioning from where they were all bringing in boxes to after dinner, but opinion on that is fairly relative; it all depends on where your story is going.
Also, you can't begin sentences with "and" or "but"... And yes, I must remind myself of this every day. xD
Seriously though Rin, for your age, you're incredibly talented. That critique I just gave is the same calibur I'd give to someone older and wiser than myself in the Writer's Forum, so great job. Keep writing! :3
*Hug* 3nodding