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whee im trapped at my moms highschool..

ive been stalking my friends out of pure broedum so ive leanred somethings about them.

i porbly would have learned by asking or paying attion but im veary self centerd >>"

i had somewhat deep thoughts/feelings when i was walking down the hall but those died not such a loss considering ive stated it before likely as not i realy need to work on that

i suppose things are allright now in my world. my blood familys calm my online familys happy as well ^^ save one of my onii chans who im slightly worried about. i am also worried about mom though im not sure how to approch her about it.. i tryed.. i think she just needs to roam. she seems to be happyst around the group but i wonder how much of that is real sometimes. i also feel ive been distanced from my school pack this worries me slightly as i dont want to lose them ever. (yeah im serious about us all living together)

i suppose at 16 i would be able to keep my self in check and some kinda check on those around me but no matter how much i want i can not fix everyone i care for i can not erase their past pains or prevent all their future pains. this drives me insane.

the more i watch those around me the more i notice my weakness compared. allthough i want to correct this i have no drive ushally and when i do it dies quickly.

im not sure were im ment to be ushally. aallthough i am the "leader" of my rl group i have no assurance of this other then when i hear someone shout mommy in fear or pain. it makes me smile inwardly realy knowing that someone trusts me enugh to depend on me for help.

one of my of weeknesses. i cant belive im typing this considering that at least one of you will read this. im not sure if any of you all notice this but i cry after i get into a pshyical fight.
even if i win.
even if i wasent insulted.
even if im not badly hurt.
i just want to bawl my eyes out in a corner when its over. i was told why this happend a mixture of guilt and adrline make me want to cry.
but this weakness.. its just... its not part of me i want to have anymore. i dont know if i can controll this or if i will grow out of it. i suppose i cant help it.

on the same topic of weakness im geting less strong but as i said above i have no drive to fix this. and soon i will have no purpous to my body. this is bad bacause my small ammount of strenth is all i have.

since im back on my riddlin im not realy venting any emotions just watching them drift by my mind a choseing to write them down as i feel i should. im not dpressed as i write this nor worried nor happy nor any real emotion other then clam. im seeing what i feel needs to be done and im doing it emotionlessly this is what riddlin dose to me.

something that i hope is olny temporary is my sudden increase in greed during my birthday month. this has mostly died but i stay out of any type of shop to avoid the feeling of wanting. in most cases i will point at something and say i want that then walk away and forget the want imediately. this hasent been happening latley ive been atchally wanting o follow through on most of these petty desires. allthough i try hard not to voice these i still do and i find it anoying. i realy hope this passes soon.


on friday i will be going to afo to meet one of my online buddies and to celebrate my birthday. my "sweet 16" this is the highlight of most girls lives but i dont get it. nor will i get my 18th or my 21. i plan never to drink. although knowing myself this may change. i can not wait to see my cuzzy and am thrilled as she is (just not right now) and im not nervous about having my first rl meeting with a imvu buddie ive talked to her for over a year and have conifande that she is real. also we are meeting at a veary public place.of corse i may die between now and then but its allright i can die pretty much happy with my life.

so yes the spazzings of a bored 16 year old all typed down on this page. off to the internet it goes