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Painful day, it seems the pain will not go away. So here it is all at once and all together, read it or not this is it my life views on todays events. Complete and true, It's not fabricated, it covers everything, public and domesticated.







I slept through the alarm I wake up to the damn kitten scratching at the silver cross on my neck. I've gut cuts along my collar bone now. The clock tells me I've only got five minutes before the bus gets here. I grab my clothes from the dresser drawers and get dressed quickly, in a panic. This, is the second best part of my day, the complete and utter unawareness of the world soon to come crashing around me. Before I can pull my socks on as I'm sitting on the couch the kitten (Chi) trips over my foot leaving a long scratch mark, turns around and lash out repeatedly and then ducks under the couch. I'm thinking 'ouch cat that hurt' and not like a wussy, that kind of stings, like that hurt a lot. I look down and can't really tell where the cuts are through the smears of blood from his paws, more blood is rising from the wound but I don't have time to care. If you can't stand the thought of blood stop reading here, because blood played a very important role in my life, and taught me something very important today.







Not having time to care or figure out how deep the cuts are I pull my socks on put on my shoes and rush up the stairs so I can catch the bus. I can't find my backpack and am beginning to regret even getting out of bed. I don't have time to go downstairs and look for it so I walk out the door and see the bus across across the street about to turn. So I book it, I manage to get to the corner before it does, and I get on.







The morning was rather uneventful light conversation with Desi on the bus, I sat at the table with my friends made witty comments the norm, then I had first hour with O'hearn, earth science. I don't really remember what we did that hour, nothing to difficult. Then I had Outdoor Adventure, we had a rather easy test on fishing laws in Wisconsin. Kaleb kept bugging me to get band aids on the several blisters that line my hands. I have two on my thumbs from Canoeing, and one on my left middle finger, the back part, middle knuckle from Torchlight parade. The worst one is on the side of my index finger closest to my thumb, it's about an inch long and very deep. I sometimes wonder how far the skin is from the muscle that is left on the that finger.







I didn't get band aids until creative writing, my third hour class. It was kind of a mute point though because by the end of the day all of them fell off. Third hour was rather boring, we talked over characters int he book of Mice and Man (Which I've been to lazy to read.) Then we had band, this is when things started to come crashing down. I began to think about life, everything, the things I have missed in my life. Things I may never have a chance to do. The field show routine just happened, second mind, subconscious. I came to the conclusion that my life is ending one second at a time. And every-second I spend here, doing nothing, I'm losing, I'm losing my life second by precious second here. I want to drop out of school when I think about it to much. I don't want to stay here and learn useless things that will never help me, math two, band, earth science. Classes with no practicality. Classes I could spend ministering to the broken and lonely. God is calling out to me...but I'm not listening, and I feel his absences...and it hurts. So I stand still, rigid as I hold the cymbal for the high and mighty snare drummers, my face expressionless as I think over just how pointless it all is. Moments...wasted, gone, spent. I'll never get them back, and for what...nothing. God's calling, but I'm not listening. I feel lost and alone. There is no place for me here. I don't belong and I'm not needed. Any man could do this job, hell even a rock could do the job. Pointless.







Being the idiot I was I forgot we had assembly schedule and tried to go to lunch, I found the doors into the commons through the lunch line where locked,then remembered. I really didn't want to go to my sixth hour. English ten. I failed speech last year because I don't like outlining my speeches. It feels to formal, I prefer to exercise my whit while speaking. I feel this is another half pointless class. I think speech should be about building ones confidence to be able to speak, not to make an outline and plot out every point you are going to speak on. As I storm through he hallway, silent and loathing she comes up to me. Cheerfully and smiling as always. Christine Buhrow. "Wanna a sucker?" She asks rather merrily I can't help but smile, not just at the question but at her. She smiles and for a single moment, the world has stopped. All is perfect and as it should be. She is beautiful, as I wish I could be. Lost in the simple things, the perfect joys of life, simplicity. The things I used to look at so avidly. She sees what so many miss, and it makes me happy. Living life, one second at a time, making the best of every moment. Her smile, makes everything so much easier to bear.







I stuck the lollipop in the pocket of my leather jacket and continued to speech. We had to read today. I forgot my bible so I don't read it, hell I forgot my back pack I'm rather surprised at this point that I haven't need it or any of it's contense yet. I read a play called "Blind Date" And get half way through, for the most part it seems like a pretty funny play, not most peoples kind of comedy, it's got a quirky cerebral feel to it. The class ends quickly then I'm off to Math 2. A class I despise with every fiber of my being. We have a test, the answers are so blatantly obvious. If anything it's a class on common sense. I finish the test and wait for the rest of the people to finish, I feel it sinking in. Today I am not the monster as I usually am. I don't have the urge to crush or destroy anything, don't feel like ramming my fist through every window in the building. I want to take a knife and shove it through ever blister and cut in my hand until there is no blood left to flow from the wounds that seem to break open all to easily. The class drags on for an eternity then we have lunch. For once in a very very long time I have lunch with all of my friends. The lunch line was ridiculously long so I sat a t a table to wait for it to die down.







Actually I scared this chick away from her table. One person at a large table not seeming to be waiting for anyone. So I sit down and invite some of my friends over. Three of us to start with. The stranger girl gets "Dear in Headlights" Look on her face and I have to refrain from laughing more of us show up in total there are eleven of us if I can recall correctly. She get up and leaves a minute or so after everyone sits down and sits at a small table by herself. I feel like an a** for scaring her away but at the same time it seemed wrong for her to take a big table all by herself. We weren't being threatening she was more than welcome to sit and converse with us.







Lunch goes by all to quickly and we have to watch a movie in governmentgoverment. I'm going to be completely honest...I fell asleep. I didn't put my head down on the desk or anything I just kind of...zzZZZZzzzzZZZZzzz no sweat chin on my hand. The class passed swiftly then we were on to business law. For the first time all day I get ragged on for not having an item that was in my back pack. A review sheet in business law. I really don't care, I can't seem to find it in me to care about this class. It's business law, one of my non bullshit classes but I can't find it in me to care. It's eighth hour and I'm really not even there my mind is always elsewhere in that class. It drags on for what feels like an eternity. I get to leave class early because I'm part of band and we have home coming assembly. As we leave I begin to feel it closing in. The depression, I am the failure, the self loathing angry failure. We get to the band room get ready quickly then go to the Field House. I have to hold for another snare. The blister on the back of my knuckle busts open while I'm holding and the cymbal is cracking down on the thin broken skin of the knuckle. I know it now. I can feel it. I am useless, complete and utter waste. I am the human trash of the world, the complete and utter nothing that fills in the gaps for important people to step on. I figure out what's been bothering me. I've lost what I've spent so long fighting for. It's more fun to fight for something than it is to have it come to fruition. I'm getting published, Dog Ear wants one of my novels when I'm finished writing it. I've done it, I'm getting published. So what do I fight for now? There is nothing, I have nothing to fight for.



So here I am human trash holding for Ian Grim, then I felt it, the first drop. He cracks down on the cymbal and a single glistening bead of blood drips down from my knuckle onto the wooden floor of the Field House. Then I remember the fact I have rejected for so long, a fact I have avoided facing. Something I push aside whenever it comes to mind. I am mortal, completely and utterly human. Despite what I tell myself. I am only a man, I bleed the same as any other. I feel the same, I am the same. I can't change it. I may act invincible and uncaring but deep down inside I know I only have on life and that it could end at any second. I stare at the single drop of crimson on the floor and am lost in it's wonder. I am pain, I am sorrow, I am human trash. We don't have to play and we sit down. I wipe the blood of the floor so no one sees it. Some how I feel ashamed, ashamed that I have shown my weakness, my mortality to everyone here. The assembly is kind of funny but it doesn't last long enough. Before I know it I have to leave for the parade.



We march. I can't think straight I just do with out thinking. I don't want to be a part of this anymore, any of it. I just want to fade to black, to fall into nothingness and disappear. As we continue to march my knuckle starts to bleed again and I realize what this is. Not pain, freedom, with every drop of blood I feel liberated, I feel like I'm worth something again. Like the more bleed the less tainted and worthless I am. I begin to realize just why my uncle did what he did. Suicide, I realize why he did it. The harder we fight, the less there is to lose but the more you lose the harder it is to fight. He did so because he felt he had nothing left, he was trash, he was empty and cold. He wanted something final, he wanted the pain of numbness to end. So he crashed his car into that wall as fast as he could to make the pain leave. I feel it here and now. I feel, what he felt. And I understand why he did it. And I keep telling myself what I've told myself so many times. "I'm not going to be him, I'm not going to be him. I'm not going to be him!" I hold back tears, Ian continues to crack down on the cymbal unaware of the pain and blood he is loosing from my knuckle. As it splatters against the asphalt I feel relieved. And some how wonder if anyone will ever even notice the distant spatters of blood, the parts of me fallen onto the road.



The parade comes to an end and I am still the human trash of the world. I want to burn my birth record, to burn every trace of my existence, and just vanish, as if I never was. I want to become with the void. Because I'm a masochist I wont' I will keep fighting and continue to suffer. I'll keep fighting through life because I enjoy the pain it puts me through. God is calling, but I'm still not listening. There is nothing left to do at school so I wander around pissed and depressed. I feel bad because I took it out on my best friend making harsh comments to him, he became rather upset but somehow I felt better. Is it possible that I just transferred all my pain to him? All my rage and all my sorrow, down cast on my death friend just so I can feel better. What kind of bullshit friend am I? I am once again, the human trash of the world. I get on the bus, depressed as hell again and I have to say that I admire Desi for trying so hard to cheer me up. I felt a little better but not much. When I got home I sat here and started this blog. Then the twins came and we had to leave for the football game. I felt just a little bit better.



I honestly don't remember a lot about before the game I remember we screwed around at the twins place then went to the school. We got dressed rehearsed the Logan fight song in the PAC then headed out. I felt less depressed but it changed once we got out. I had to hold for snare once again and felt like the dirt of the world, unwanted and unneeded, anyone can preform my duties. I'm holding for snare when I see Ashley Rink and I freeze, I stare dead ahead, I feel as if I hold still maybe she won't see me. I don't want to be seen not, here, not like this, holding cymbals for the high and might snare. I don't want her to see me burned and broken fighting to keep it all together. My life is falling apart and I close my eyes and think about Christine's smile. Then it feels wrong, having asked Ashley out. Christine turned me down a week before and I've always thought Ashley was awesome. But I found out some one close to me has a crush on her. It just doesn't feel right wanting to go out her. I know why I did it. I don't want to fall in love again, because it hurt to much the first time. The same reason I don't want to let people in. I don't want to be numb again, to shut myself off from the world. The world, is caving in on me. And I close my eyes biting back the tears. The cymbal digs into the already clotted cut on my knuckle but there is no blood. I will it to break open. I want the freedom I want control. I feel like I've built myself a cage. I've trapped myself and there's no way out. I open my eyes for the national anthem then we are off to the bleachers. I try to find my friends for a while. Tabi and Christine show up eventually and I found out that Zack ended up going home. I feel guilty, horrible this is my fault. I feel like an a*****e, like the dirt of the world once again. This is why I am at the bottom of the food chain. I'm a shitty friend and a worse liar.



Everyone seems to know there is something wrong but I want speak about it. I don't want to. Because I'll fall apart and I don't want to. Not here, not now.The field show came quickly. As we line up and get ready to go on the filed I hear others talking about drugs, a party, some booze. I want to weep for humanity. I want to fall into nothingness once again. I am hopeless. I want so much to change this place,everything about it. I want to prove that the world is still a beautiful place. But now I feel powerless. Hopeless. The world is crumbling in and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. We march, do the field show and it's over. I feel worse than ever before. This is rock bottom. I want every inch of my body clothed in flame, I just want to scream out the rest of my agony and then be gone. Even the thought of Christine's smile can't help me now.



After a long time of searching for everyone in a group of six to go to a bond fire we are off. My fist is bleeding. As we were searching I put my fist against the brick wall as I walked down the hall pushing it down as hard as I can. I want it to hurt but I'm numb. I look down and I'm free, the bleeding is slow, but it's satisfying not a lot of blood but I feel mortal again. I feel human. As I should God is calling and I'm starting to listen. I am only human and I only have one life. This blood is not just mine it's all of ours. I know I'm not alone, I can feel it this blood connects us all. We have all had a day like this, a day where we just want to fall into the abyss, a day that we just want to become nothing. A day where we are human trash. Hod is speaking and I listen and do what I can to obey eagerly. So here it is, this is my obedience out on paper. It's time to stop hiding here the truth all together with in these words. The Bond Fire at the twins house was very enlightening I calmed down, and I found where I belong. I have a place where I am needed, where I am king and not trash. Where I am equal to everyone around me. I have a place I feel safe and it's amongst my closest of friends. But there is still regret. Christine, whom I am falling in love with. I don't want to be in love again, but I can't seem to stop it. She seems to enchant me. I wish I had the guts to tell her just what she means to me but I don't and she will probably never know. She doesn't want to be with me and I understand. But I love her, so I will wait, because somehow I hope, someday this will all work out.



So I cut it short at the end because it's one A.M. And I need a shower and I need to go to bed. Here it is, there is no beginning nor end. Only a cycle, a cycle of pain and joy, Sorrow and Anger, life is brilliant and you choose how to live it you only have one so try not to regret what you do with it. This is beginning and end, the circle is complete.