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Eh...it's all quite depressing, you know, when all your parents see are your faults. Not that I hate them for it, really, but it certainly dampens the spirit. (in context to my status, 12/19/2010).
My mother and I are two polar opposites when it comes to our personalities, and that puts us on edge, even though we never outright fight. I have never screamed at her, hell, I hardly ever scream at all. I am a pacifist, and in that sense I have a hard time expressing how I feel.
My mother is a glass half-empty type of person. She's very realistic in her perspective of things what, with my grandmother still recovering from her debilitating stroke, she feels that she will never be the same again nor will be able to live again on her own (despite her thus far rapid recovery). In that same idea, my mother is very judgmental, and that can be...taxing to those around her.
What I mean by judgmental is this; she has a tendency to impose her personal beliefs and priorities onto others. She knows she shouldn't be doing this, but it's habitual and part of her nature. Consequentially, it would be right to assume that she imposes her priorities onto me. And that is very much the crux of the matter.
I, on the other hand, am the quiet optimist, passive, and very much the think-before-I-act type of individual. Whereas my mother frets and freaks over the smallest of problems, I let things flow in my philosophy that things will work out in the end. That in and of itself causes tension. She freaks over something, and that stress boils over until she released the pent up frustration on someone nearby for the smallest infraction, and quite often said individual it me. For example, when I was downloading some songs onto my iPod and she was in one of her fits, she stormed up the stairs and yelled at me for not letting her use the computer when it was her computer to begin with. That is all very true, but the conditions under which she said these things were all quite...trivial. Then she went on to venting on me about my faults, and yadayada. That very nearly caused my biannual 'meltdown', one of the few times I shed tears. Needless to say my mother felt awful about it, but anyways.
My mother imposes her priorities onto others, and the focus is on myself in this small vent of my own frustrations. She says I don't work hard in much but art (Not the case, but my recent withdrawal from NHS most likely has some influence on that statement...I had grown fed up with bad communication. I have not regretted my decision of withdrawing, though she makes me feel guilty). She says I don't exercise enough and, 'don't you care about your body?!'. Well of course I do! I watch what I eat, I just have a deep loathing for outdoor jogging, and I refuse to do it if I can help it. I'm fine with exercise machines but...I have no time for these things. She, at one point, demanded of me why I purchased myself an ornamental cane sword, and what a waste of money it was. Unbeknown-st to her, I had though long and hard over the purchase, and I hadn't regretted it until she started talking. She, being the ever realist, doesn't see the point in buying more...fantastic or 'nic-nac-y' items that I have a tendency to lean towards. Just not her style, and she assumes that everyone else should share her tastes. It hurt.
And when it comes to me to bring up my sensitivities to her and explain why I feel the way I do about what she says to me without realizing the implications it has on my admittedly sensitive nature, I balk. When I said that I am a think-before-I-act type individual, I meant it. I tend to think things over, and try to deduce all possible responses the person in question could react because of my admission. My imagination runs away from me, and I tend to think pessimistically, and think my mother would explode at me, and I keep my mouth shut, even if my argument is perfectly reasonable and within bounds to express.
I also tend to wait for just the right moment, even though that tends to never come. And when I do this, the issue gets stuck in my craw and makes me ever more uncomfortable and depressed (this issue I struggle with, I believe, has made me a mildly depressed individual, though I will never admit that to my parents, as they believe me confident and self assured. I'm good at hiding things...).
However, when the matter bothered me too much, I forced myself to tell her of my repercussions. One of the hardest things I've ever had to submit myself to, revealing my emotions and all...I dread being rebuked. The funny thing is, she hasn't gotten mad. Whether it be because of my careful phrasing or she perfectly well realizes that she does what she does and knows it wrong I do not know, though I suspect a combination of both. Fact it, she realizes it, and 'cant argue'. She then goes on to say how awful she feels and how she is a 'bad mother', furthermore increasing my awkwardness. I feel relieved though, that we see eye to eye, at least for the moment, and I assure her that 'no, she is a wonderful mother', which she is. I feel better, but I still mull helplessly over my thoughts and my own shortcomings.
Will I make it in the real world? Will my quitting of NHS prevent me from gaining entry into the college of my choice?
I say I have logical answers to assure myself that yes, I will make it well enough, and no, I will get entry to the college I would like if I apply myself in other areas, NHS just isn't as exclusive anymore, and doesn't look as good as it used to...
Anyways, woe unto me of my whirling thoughts and my attempt to lay them bare in this journal entry. After writing this, I feel much more at ease, though I will be looking back at this on occasion to remind myself of my mentality.
If you happen to read this entry, please leave a comment that you did so with any thought you have regarding the matter. I would very much appreciate it.
Until next time,
Wings
 Aribis · Sun Dec 19, 2010 @ 06:25pm · 0 Comments |
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