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The Trip
Not bad. We walked to the train station at 4am. The huge tree blocked our path. Pulling down power lines while the PG&E man hurried at us to get away. Me and chai almost touching the electrical lines.
We went inside. Talked and met some asian upperclassmen who overheard our conversation and said that he was off to his way to Fresno as well.
The depot room echoed as we both conversed. And Chai kept on insisting on what I did for valentine's day because she left me and Dennis alone. And then responding that she didnt want to know. Like all this came out of nowhere and really bugged me. I could have yelled at her. But no. Not in the Depot where the noise echoed. I was so mad.
People came in. I went to the rr alone and it felt like a horror movie. I didnt flush. I just left without washing myhands. I had to make the lady who worked there open the door to the rr with the keys. She said some guys were doing illegal things in the rr and the men's rr didnt really open well.
We want outside and lined up for the bus to come around 6. Put some of her luggage on the bottom of the bus and sat at the last seats as we saw sacromento nd the city lights as we were moving away from the dark fields.
We got off of the bus and into the train station uptop. We listened to mars mucis and just kinda talked some more. I saw these children that I said I wanted to kidnapp and she was like "oh yeah you perfer theblack ones. no wait. white ones" i was like "why do you want to be racist" and she responded "i just want the conversation to be interesting" after i said my response so seriously..then she responded earlier. 300 dollars for one night. Why are you insane ?
I responded. "im doing something that im happy with. its my dream in life and no one is judgin me nor going to stop me"
she was like "ok i get it. its goin to be a long day with you and me and im not judging"
I cant stand it. she was dissecting every thing i said and questioning it. i dont really remember much but just dissecting my every words. it was annoying.
then i called my bby around 930 and yeah. he sounded like he just woken up.
then we arrived in fresno. got our s**t out and into the building and waited for his brother to pick us up.
then we went to the pho restaurant and all of his brother and girlfriend did was just argue. "you have black ppl lips' "i do?'" "you arent a real man" "what? i do have abs" "you are a sissy" "you are skinny and you shouldnt be starving". i asked if this conversation was normal? and they said yeah. chai said it was part of her family and thats what they do. THEY REDICULE PPL. I could see the gf being really confident after saying such offensive things. Like "oh yeah he slept with that b***h...touching each other while i was out" i could feel her brother being hurt from his gf's taunts. and now i understand why chai does this to me. She joined in with the gf to ridicule him as i just ate my food being really quiet and impatient the whole time.He was fine with it and tried to fight back but he was outnumbered. He accepted it as being normal. I couldnt imagine me and denn being like this. We will be both hurt. They said a lot of hurtful comments to each other and it was a love/hate relationship that I WOULD NEVER allow myself to be in. I always see this in asian couples. and it is daunting.
it seem to me like i was whitewashed. i only spoke in english and didnt make those asian tones or anythin. they talked about there older sis coming to resausrants and just coversing and they made fun of how she eats with her talk not with her food. i thought, eatin out was for conversing as well so i was still quiet. irony, i know.
then they sent me home. and yeah. i fell asleep on the bed. everything was like it was as usual and the older brother shut off the internet so that his computer wont lag while the computer was without any internet. mom came from church with dad and she rubbed my head as i was asleep saying "if it wasnt for education i wouldn't let you go". i grunted and fell asleep. she is in no way in control of me.
sis was wearing a very short short and i knew that if i wore something like that. i call myself a skank. and start dancing with my hips.....
ummm. yeah. fell asleep woke up ate asian food then watch simpson,bobs burgers and fam guy and cleveland show and now to here. i dont feel right , right here. like a vibe telling me that i made a right choice. it feels wierd. i dont go to mclane no more. i dont have homework. the familiar home smells comes to me. my former room is blank as fawk with only my acceptance letter of UC DAVIS, the original, was taped to where my trophies would have been. and some stickers downward with some papers from my sis. she now sleeps in my former bed.
Yeah. I dont feel at home here. Hope it goes well soon and if she mentions anything about me and denn about wrestling again at the hang out or anywhere...i am going to throw one big b***h fit like i did at the dc one time with her jenn and denn.
They were talking about me and I was like "you know im here" 'stop it" and denn didnt understand what chai was really doing so i spent time with him at the dark arboretum lake to talk to him about her wicked ways and he still didnt apologize but now he knows. now he knows also that when she said she is sleeping. she is not. now he understands what i am talking about the true side of my roommate. i dont feel alone no more with this thought. My roommate is in a constant want for my attention as well as trying to feel better by ridiculing me.
In a way I act like a white girl to her. She keeps acting asian on me. I swear. and being with her in the restuarant only empowerered her to be at her "happy" place.
Many times i am asking her why she is saying this (asian ppl dont normally use this tactic, so with me being whitewashed) and that and she just freezesknowing that there is no point. i love to stop her in her tracks and make her realize again and again that she is acting "like her parents". yes, i did say that to her. and man did she stop. but that was only a week or 2 ago. lol. i guess this is what asian ppl do to themselves. and im not saying im wanting to be white. i just have a better behavior than them. My behavior is a lot more modernize also in which i dont fked someone up with my hurtful words to make myself feel better in a close relatioship. In no way am I going to act like them ever. and as time goes by I noticed tha I am losing my stubborness. I am so happy about this. Watch, next time i am going to use the word "passive-aggressiveness" at chai's "ok, whatever, its fine. i rather die" words. she will stop and not know what i mean but that word is everything define in her and her parents. I noticed that I am no longer passive aggresive in my life and dont remember the last time i made such a statement. I know that I am becoming a better person emotionally. No ways of putting myself down. I dont believe myself to be a pessimist. I love optimism and also venting.
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