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some happiness ends all too abruptly.

I was so excited this morning for my show. I even went and got candy canes so that I could finish my book. I was all set for a good day. Now, I'm not sure how to pull myself out of this hole. I am so... upset.

My show just... had a massive plot twist. She's dead. He didn't save her. It makes me pissed that I cried all those tears when I saw that episode. He lied to her. He tried to convince her to commit suicide so that she would learn she was already dead. Yea. Liar. Bad Man. a*****e. I always like the bad guys instead of the good ones. I get attached to the wrong characters.

I get attached to the wrong people.

I'm starting to hate you. I call. I call. I've texted. I wish I didn't blame you, but I do. I don't blame you for everything but I would have hoped I would have had your company for one day this month as a comfort. I hoped that if I needed you, I could call you and we could talk... like the old days. Only, I'm being good.

I may sound bad in here but I've been good. I treat myself well, except for in my head of course. I only talk to myself these days. I haven't gone totally mad, not yet. I only go through swings of madness, violent hatred, and general lack of caring for anything in this world. I know I'm a difficult person, but if I don't hear from you by the time of my break... I fear the worst for us. I fear a large gap that you won't be able to fix. I fear my anger and hatred that I know I'll bury, because truthfully, I know I'm not strong enough to stay away from you nor am I strong enough to face you about this. I cannot tell you again. I cannot.

I know it will only lead to lashing out from you as well.

And honestly, if something were wrong with you... why aren't you calling me? I know I've got drama and s**t but have I ever not comforted you in the right way when you needed me? In the car ride from work? When I went over to your house? When we were in high school together? DID I EVER TURN YOU AWAY OR STRIKE YOU IN THE DEPTHS OF YOUR HEART IN YOUR MOMENT OF PAIN!

I didn't think I did, but clearly I must have for I keep offering myself but I'm of no use to you. We have the nerve to consider ourselves like sisters, but here I am, cursing your shortcomings. Perhaps that's the whole point of sisterhood... you think? Is it that we have such high expectations that we can never lean on each other? Is that it? I've heard that somewhere before...

I won't go through it again.

I'm a paranoid and damaged person. I won't allow that same hurt to creep into my heart. I would rather stab myself that allow that to happen. Besides. Ha. If you leave, I'm free of my promises. I'm free.