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This whole V1 Ben conflict is really making me upset.
Everytime I think about it, I start crying, almost cried when I was out in NY with RCDT today too...crying right now actually.

I can't even describe everything that I'm feeling anymore.
These feelings of anger, disappointment, rage, sadness,fear, loathing, self hatred, wanting to escape, wanting to confront, wanting to avoid, wanting to help.. I can't accurately describe them all... It's all so confusing and frustrating.

I just quit the V1 group on Facebook out of disgust and anger at all the hypocrisy in Chris's extremely long response. Now I realize that I just took the easy way out by choosing to ignore the problem and escape it... self-hatred and loathing for being weak and unable to stand up for my friend...
I was ready to quit V1 and drop doing the Christmas flash mob. Every time I see derek's face I'll probably want to punch him and every time I see JYu's or Ben's I don't know if I can hold my tears back.

Family... the big V1 concept as Chris has pointed out in his "you can't do anything to change drama and trolling no matter what you do" note which by the way- it was not trolling it was just bullying... but have we ever even tried to be remotely anything like a family to Ben? No. Every time Ben says something, members of V1 deliberately responds in a way to hurt him. We gang up on him, yes, we because I didn't do anything to defend him. Not defending someone who is suppose to be "family" and just watch them get bullied by people who are suppose to be friends? That's cowardly and just as bad as if I was doing the bullying myself. That's not right. I'm so sorry Ben.

He wants to "reset" his life. I understand that Ben is a very emotional person and he posts these type of messages a lot, but there is a reason why he always posts these kinds of things up. Can you guess why that is? It's not hard to figure out. You know, it's these kinds of things that really gets me worked up. Someone commits suicide and then the bullies wonder why. They feel bad AFTER they do all the damage and by that time it's already too late. Some of the more heartless ones feel nothing at all.

Today in NY Mark was like, well Ben does it too, saying things like GTFO over a small deal. Ok, I can understand. Not many people like Ben or some of the stuff he says or does. But does anyone ever try to tell him, yo that's stupid or hey what you said/ did wasn't cool.. people don't like that... but if you try to change and hold back more and think more before you respond then people won't bash you as much? NO. NO ONE DOES. Instead, they flame and bully to embarrass, belittle and hurt him. Deliberately trying to make him feel ashamed of himself, make him want to disappear off the face of the earth, wish that he never existed. They don't know what it feels like to be squashed down under the heels of your peers, because they haven't been in that position or if they have, they ignore their experiences in the past and relish in the power that they currently have. I have only a bit of an idea what it's like to be lonely and unwanted, wanting to have many friends, wanting to be popular but now I don't need that or want that because I have real friends, who care and tell me when I do something wrong even if it hurts or embarrasses me. And for that, I am very thankful.

I am so sorry Ben, I will be a better friend to you. I will try my best to do what my friends do for me. I will request to be allowed back into the V1 group so you will not be alone there. I won't quit V1 so you'll have a place you can return to because you'll still have at least one friend there.