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Confessions of a Fallen Gentleman |
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*sigh*...I don't know if at this point you or anyone else is even reading this anymore, but this is what's on my mind, and I can no longer keep it in...
In the past few weeks, we've had our struggles, our fights, but we stayed friends regardless of our separation, but then the unthinkable happened...I fell in love with someone else. Several other people to be honest...Such is the problem of such a lonely man in such an indecent world. Such is the curse I must bear. Now one might think that having options, especially after a breakup would be a good thing, but for me it turned out to be quite the opposite...Oh what a horribly tangled little web my own twisted heart can weave. How pathetic it is, really.
Amanda...
Jocey...
And yes, you too Christina...
I'm sorry. I betrayed you all because of my own heart, but in the end I could no longer help myself. But she found me. She came back to me, and I had fallen for her the hardest...
Truth be told, I don't really have a good explanation for all of this. No excuse, no clever tricks. Nothing. I have nothing left to hide..I simply fell for her hardest, and she came back to catch me even after all we went through...All I can do is thank you for that my darling. But that's not the purpose of this entry...
No, the purpose of this entry is to apologize to all of you. To all those whom I may have hurt, abused, or manipulated in the past because of my own petty selfish desires.
I am sorry to you all, and I am sorry that for some of you sorry will never be enough...
I am far from a gentleman. I am far from a perfect man. I am, in essence, a monster. A monster who can only be made worse by the fact that he knows precisely what he is doing and whom he is hurting. Yet still even a monster like myself feels remorse for his deeds every day of his miserable existence...Yet try as I may it just kept happening.
Amanda, to you I first apologize...You, who opened my eyes to the sad truth of a dying world I had manufactured for myself. You, who have been through so much more than anyone should ever bear in their life. You, who I so foolishly pushed aside in pursuit of a life that I knew would never work out the same after I met you...You, who ran away first, leaving behind nothing but shattered memories of a choice that I still regret making to this day. I am sorry, Liebe. Sorry I let you down when I swore to hold you up. I'm sorry I drove you away, and even now I am sorry for the pain you must suffer. I can never truly say it enough times really...
And now, sweet Jocelynn (Yes, two N's, just as your name is so uniquely spelled). Oh, where to begin...From being that strange kid in the trench coat and fedora who sat in front of you in bio right down to becoming your friend at youth group and getting to know you more, I had always felt something strange between the two of us. Not in a bad way either. Truth be told I could always sort of tell that you liked me. There just happened to be other circumstances getting in the way obviously...Even now, and I am deeply sorry for everything. Any heartache or sadness you feel over this is completely my fault. I take full responsibility for my own foolishness. Honestly I had always been toying with the idea of the two of us somehow ending up together in my head. And for a time, I was actually starting to warm up to the idea..I don't know exactly what happened really...As I said I really don't have a very good excuse for what I've done, and I'm sorry I don't. I'm sorry I didn't even have the courage to tell you myself. Sorry you had to find out the way you did. Truth be told...I really like you too...That's what made this so hard for me. That's why I just couldn't have it in me to say anything, as selfish as that was I admit. I was a fool. A fool to my one true weakness: my own heart. I wish you nothing but the best, and I am ever so deeply thankful that we can at least remain friends...
*Sigh*...Now, Christina, my first true love...
I don't even know where to start with you. Everything we've gone through together for the past three and a half years. It's all been so wonderful. Every bit of it. Despite the arguments, despite the fighting, despite the fact that you probably don't even believe me anymore if you ever bother to read this. I don't regret a day of it. Not even a single moment. And no matter what happens, I will always love you. Sometimes it's just more appropriate to bury old ties for the time being and cover the wounds for a while. I understand, but that doesn't mean either of us were necessarily the worst people, or the best people in the world either. Everything we've shared together, from the moment we met, our first kiss together, sharing firsts with each other left and right and I don't regret a single one of them. My only regret with you is that I couldn't keep my word to you, and I'm sorry Christina. Truly, deeply sorry. For everything. Of course sorry will probably never be enough to you anymore...All I can do now is wish you the absolute best, and wish for that one man to come along someday and succeed where I failed. To nurture you for the rest of your life, and give your poor tortured soul the rest that it deserves. I love you Christina, and I always will...Here's to the end, and to new beginnings, mon premier amour~</3
So there it is, all written in black and white, or rather black and red as it would appear here on my journal. Everything I have to say. All of my feelings for each of you who still to this day I regret ever harming or offending, whether directly or indirectly.
To all of you, God bless you all. May you all find happiness, and find rest one day, and may this wretched soul of mine one day do the same.
I am sorry, my friends, for everything~</3
-Chris
 II Xero II · Sat Mar 03, 2012 @ 10:51am · 1 Comments |
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