Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Torturing myself with thoughts of you.

I should not have sent that message. I should not have opened that box. v___v Oh Jen, why would you want to know? We got our closure when we got the phone call. We made our own little patch. Don't... don't let him back in to your little heart.

I don't know why... but I had a dream in song again. A dream in song is a dream where it features a song that you had been listening to previously during the day and when you wake up, you are singing the song. I've had this happen with The Ataris's "Not Capable Of Love" but just this night I had a dream with Blink 182's "Easy Target"

In the dream I was in my house but at the same time it was also Bianca's house. The dream was super busy so I don't know if I can accurately remember all of it. I'll write as much as I can but I know I can't write it all. My apologies.

I know that in the dream there were these kids - teens - that broke into the house and I shooed them off, protecting everyone. Except, the teens were like stalking the house so when they came back I fell in love with one of them. We passed notes and the creeper stalker thing that I always dreamed as a teen occurred again. Usually these kinds of dream themes only occur when I'm back home. It's strange to have it while being in San Fran since the window isn't there to inspire the paranoia. Ah well. I think it has more to do with the feelings of ... I won't say it.

I feel ... rage?

Frustration perhaps. I went to sleep around 10 and woke up at 2. I don't know what is wrong with me. I made my big dessert thing and ******** it up. I'll admit it in here, I ******** IT UP. T___T and besides that, I ate it. IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A ******** FATTY. I haven't been eating much so the s**t that I eat makes me feel worse about myself. I need to run.

It of course doesn't help that I called my mother yesterday and she lectured me about my life. I regret ever telling her my problems. Ever. I told her about my depression way back in maybe the Summer or something so now she thinks it is an open topic anytime. YOU CAN'T JUST POP IN BE LIKE "OH HI. HOW'S THE DEPRESSION GOING? ARE YOU DEPRESSED?" It DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT MOM! And besides that, she JUST HAS TO REMIND ME, always reminding me, that I don't get out enough and that I don't have any friends. No friends near me. No friends that I can hang with.

You know, even the friends I do have, I can't justify it to myself. I absolutely adore Jordan and the new found connection I have with her but how can I explain that to anyone else? How can anyone else see it for the magical thing that I see it as? I.... honestly don't know what to do with my relationships. They are all like that. I mean, Andrea for instance. We text rarely and see each other maybe twice a year. When we go out, she treats me and I treat her. It's a wonderful time all around. But can that be called a best friendship? Doesn't that sound pathetic? Saying that one of my best relationships is with a person I only contact maybe every three months by TEXT and we only see each other in person maybe TWICE A YEAR? I mean really? My BEST FRIEND? v___v Why can't I justify how wonderful and beautiful they are to myself anymore? I shouldn't need anyone else to understand but at the same time, I want to talk about my friends -- to share my happiness and love -- but I can't if people don't understand v___v