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Today, I got a gift. A creamy white leather jacket from my parents. Why? Because my sister has been begging for this other jacket, and now that my parents finally bought it for her, they bought me a jacket too, so I wouldn't be sad.

How nice, right? 3nodding

And I am a horrible person who is unable to appreciate that.

See, I gave up wanting materialistic things. Clothes? I hate that the most.

I like when people buy me food, or stuff like that. heh, I just like food in general. whee But like, I never ever EVER wanted clothes. Or shoes for that matter.

My sister? The complete opposite. She's into buying loads and loads of clothes, and getting loads of loads of clothes.

I hate it. I mean, I like her, sure. She's my sister after all, right? sweatdrop

I remember being really poor. My parents couldn't afford new things, so I couldn't get new things. FOR THEM, I stopped wanting things. But since we couldn't even buy our own clothes, when my birthday or when Christmas came around, EVERYONE gave us clothes.

I remember telling my sister, who was so happy to get clothes, that I didn't like clothes. I acted happy, so that the people who gave me gifts would feel nice, but on the inside, I didn't really want it. My sister told me that day, "One day, you'll like getting clothes too!"

Liar. stare

Truth is, I really don't like getting clothes. I don't even like buying my own clothes.

Why?

Well, I never wanted it. I have just enough to not be criticized by society. I have an outfit for everyday of the week. Usually, I'd have like, two or three outfits, and switch between them throughout the week. This year, I received a bunch of new clothes from the States , so I've got tons to switch between.

But anyways, I hate getting unnecessary things. It bothers me. I makes me feel spoiled. And because I don't want it, I won't appreciate it, and because of that, it makes me feel like a horrible person.

I wish, though, that I was like my sister. Everyone knows what she wants because she makes it obvious. Everyone can please her then, since they can give her what she wants. Me, on the other hand, is an indecisive kid, who doesn't want anything, who can't sincerely appreciate some gifts, and who can't even make herself happy.

It's a pity that I made myself so.. plain.

Also, I had some thoughts today that made me sad.



So here I was, scrolling down Facebook's newsfeed, when I noticed that majority of the posts were love-related.

It got me thinking... Does society EXPECT for everyone to find a partner? Is it frowned upon to be alone your whole life?

STORY TIME! blaugh

Second grade, I met Calvin. He was nice, which was weird since every other guy in our class was, well, a douche.

I didn't notice him, really. I knew he was quiet, well-behaved, and the ideal second grader any teacher would want. I knew he was a good person.

Sometime during the year, his friend, named Oliver, came up to me and told me, "Calvin likes you," and he ran back to Calvin. I don't know if I imagined this or something, but according to my second grade home-journal, I heard Calvin say, "Why did you tell her that?" and get embarrassed? It could have been my brain tampering with my memories, but eh.

I fell for him, head over heels. And for some time, I was so happy. We played a recess, and lunch, and sometimes in class. I really liked him.

And then a year passed, and I found out he was moving schools.

Was it him to told me? Idk. But I remember someone telling me Calvin would come back in sixth grade.

So from there until grade six, I liked nobody but Calvin. I didn't see him since he left, but I liked him just as much.

Now, I realized I didn't like ANYONE else. In sixth grade, he didn't come back. It seems that then, I had already lost the ability to like boys. Apparently, as i have found out from former classmate, that I completely ignored all the boys up until junior high.

I didn't know I would be so obsessed with on boy for so long that I ignored all those other boys who gave me childish confessions, who told me whole-hearted they liked me, or who just wanted to chat with me and be friends.

Somehow, I developed a hatred towards guys. I felt like they were crowding my life. I only needed my female friends.

I had spent years watching my friends liking guys, and liking other guys, and liking, and liking, and liking.

Only now do I realize how different I was from even the other girls.

So five years had passed when I stopped liking Calvin.

Dear Ron, if you're reading this, I did like someone for five years, almost six if you hadn't interfered.

After I stopped liking Calvin, I liked this other dude, named... should I say it? ..Nah. But after that, I found out he wasn't the person I'd thought he was.

Then after that, I like another person, whose name I will not mention yet. He was perfect. Too perfect. He liked me, he made me happy, he somehow knew the solutions to all my life's troubles. He pulled me out of the misery I didn't even know I was in until I escaped it. He helped out a lot. But, I realized, I wasn't enough for him. Compared to him, I'm just, let's just say, an innocent bunny. You could like it a lot, but it can't do good to you. So, after about two years, my fondness for him faded.

AND THEN NOW, THIS OTHER WHO I HAVE KNOWN FOR A WHILE ALREADY, suddenly interests me.

He used to lock my lock on my locker while my locker wasn't closed. stare It happened a lot. I would naturally be very annoyed, but no. Somehow, it was fun. I laughed a lot after chasing him. I felt my happiness come back. He became a friend then.

I think it started when I accidentally.. or, well, it was intentional to some extent,,, grab his hand. He locked my locker, and my reflexes automatically grabbed it. His hand, I meant. And when I noticed his hand in mine, I freaked out. THAT was prooobably when I knew I liked someone yet again.

I hate how easily I fall for someone.

I know some girls in my class who like multiple guys a year. They have crushes, and then the switch crushes. I know I keep a crush longer than they do, but I'm not perfect.

The guy who I liked previously, the perfect one, had me thinking. I can't like a guy forever. Not now. I'm unable to keep my heart locked on someone. So, if that's the case, I should just stray from this feeling because in the end, it goes away regardless.

But even so, I get such strong urges to better my relationship between me and my, well, "crush."

One part of me is like, "No, Lucia. This will all be over eventually. Don't be engrossed in something so temporary."

And then the other part of me is like, "Go for it, Lucia! 4laugh Don't leave it if you know you'll regret it in the future. Have your happiness, even if it ends soon. Take it while it lasts. Come ooooon, Lucia. Dooooo iiiiit! He probably likes you too. Different classes? Love surpasses distance! Lucia!"

So as you can see, or read or whatever, the part that wants him is definitely stronger. But I know and understand what my other side is telling me. And I believe it's right. I don't want to be hurt, and I don't want to hurt anybody.

Plus, teenage love is idiotic. No offence, but I seriously don't believe the so called "love" right now is legitimate. It's just a teaser in life. And I'd hate to be caught up in such a joke.

Yeah, I think love is a joke.

True love? No such thing yet.

And now, there's a rumor that my crush likes someone else.

I feel horrible, not because he likes someone else, but because I have no reaction from it.

I mean, I'm supposed to be jealous, right? She's a beautiful girl in my eyes, at least. I like her, I like him, I wouldn't mind them being together.

Doesn't that mean I don't actually have a crush on him? Because, I've heard it hurts to find out your crush has a crush on someone else. I heard that I'm supposed to feel jealous. I heard that what I feel isn't what I should be feeling, and that my current emotion is a lie.

Well, I really need some counselling here. For now though, I have a science test to study for! As always, thanks for reading, and goodnight if it's night!

P.S. Sorry for the lack of smileys. I'm assuming journal entries are quite boring without little itty bits of colour here and there.