Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Not once did I claim to be perfect.
I know I've made more than my share of mistakes, I thought that was why I was always alone.

But I gave you my heart, then you drove it into the ground and left it as dust for the wind to carry away.
For trying to save your life.
Because I didn't subscribe to your delusion that you were some sort of monster, better off dead. Because I believed in you, that I loved you and that you loved me back. Allowing you to kill yourself is the last thing I would ever do.

And then you don't show me the respect to admit it. Instead shoving your thinly-veiled lies down my throat. If you ever cared, you don't anymore, because I did care.
And still, I wanted you back.
I bared my soul to you, and you were happy.
Knowing I could make the most important person in my life happy made everything worth it.
And the same time, I never wanted to hear from you again.
Each of your lines became a subtle taunt to what we had.
"I'll always be there for you", she said.
"Until you ask me to be", was the extended version.

Even after everything, I loved you, and you claimed to love me back.
But apparently my attempts to talk to you about what I was feeling were just, "Too much whining".
And that's the reason you gave. Why you tore everything I loved to pieces, and returned the heart I gave you, used.
It has a hole now.
You cannot, and could never understand how much it hurt to keep talking to you, but I did, because you wanted us to stay friends. Except you couldn't treat me like a friend either.
I don't regret leaving, but I don't regret coming back.
Make no mistake, I can do better, I have done better.

I didn't come back for you or for me. There's someone who has truly always been there for me, and I can help them by coming back.
I thought there was nothing more that you can do to ruin me.
But you don't have to try so hard to prove me wrong.
I guess I get attached. After having no one, I want to hold on to the important people that do come my way. I mean, it's been 3 months since, and any sane person could obviously tell that I still love you.
I don't like you.
And I'm no longer in love with you.
But I still love you.
You are important to me despite everything that you've done to me.
But I don't know if I can do this anymore.
I want you to leave and never come back. You didn't care how I felt months ago, there's even less reason to care now.
But you don't.
And yet you continue your poorly disguised jabs at me, at how I felt, at what we had.
Just go.