CAUTION
Reading the original posts may cause bleeding in the eyes
Overall, I tried to fix most of the mistakes. However, there are far too many. The sentences run-on and just make a huge, undefinable mess. This has taken me awhile to pick apart because it is so foreign to me. It's like hieroglyphics.
If I was your teacher, I would stab you in the face with a dictionary and teach you how to commas using Chinese Water Torture. Your punctuation is absolutely terrible. And you don't need to talk about your 'Italian accent' in EVERY post
- Original
Hiroshi dove over to a big building which was the new school he was assigned to."Huh...Apocalypse High ",he said softly to himself as he opened the window of his car and slipped down his black sun-glasses.Hiroshi stared at the school for awhile as he came out of his car and took out his bags and such.Soon Hiroshi made his way inside as he did he went over to the notice bored to see what room his was in.After a few secounds he finally found his key and dorm number (dorm 14).Hiroshi walked up the staris as he looked around,while passing a few other dorms and classes.Hiroshi soon found his dorm and opened the door,Hiroshi saw his roomates asleep."These most be my new roomates",he said to himself as he found an open bed then walked over to it and unpacked.After he unpacked he sat down on his bed and read his book for awhile.As time past Hiroshi put away his book then got up and walked out of his dorm,closeing the door behind him as he made his way down the hallways with his hands in pockets while exporering the school.
Nicholas_Mar
Hiroshi drove* over to a big building,* which was the new school he was assigned to. "Huh...Apocalypse High,*" he said softly to himself as he opened the window of his car and slipped down his black sun-glasses. (RUN-ON SENTENCE)* Hiroshi stared at the school for awhile as he came out of his car and took out his bags and such. Soon Hiroshi made his way inside as he did he went over to the notice bored to see what room his was in. After a few seconds* he finally found his key and dorm number (dorm 14). Hiroshi walked up the stairs* as he looked around,while passing a few other dorms and classes .Hiroshi soon found his dorm and opened the door. Hiroshi saw his roommates* asleep. "These must* be my new roommates*",he said to himself as he found an open bed. T*hen he* walked over to it and unpacked.After he unpacked he sat down on his bed and read his book for awhile.As time past, Hiroshi put away his book, then got up and walked out of his dorm, closing* the door behind him. As he made his way down the hallways with his hands in pockets while exploring* the school. (THIS WHOLE LAST SENTENCE IS SO AWKWARD)
- Original
Hiroshi was on his way back from the yard,as he was makeing his way back up towards the school building he nearly stepped on some kind of book.Hiroshi looked down and picked it up,as he held it in his hand it seemed to be some kind of normal reading book.Hiroshi then looked at the cover and it had the title on it."Stroy Teller",he repeated then just stared at it for awhile and finally entered the school.Hiroshi then put the book into his pocket and began to once again walk past some hallways.While he was walking he noticed a girl, Hiroshi then decided to walk over to the girl and introduce himself,as he approched the girl he finally stood before her and said,"H..hello names Hiroshi?",he asked softly in his italian accent.Hiroshi then noticed taht the girl was looking for something,"Oh I'm sorry is this a bad time...are you looking for something,maybe I can help?",he asked calmly.
Nicholas_Mar
Hiroshi was on his way back from the yard. A*s he was making* his way back up towards the school building he nearly stepped on some kind of book. Hiroshi looked down and picked it up. A*s he held it in his hand,* it seemed to be some kind of normal reading book. Hiroshi then looked at the cover and it had the title on it:"Story* Teller". H*e repeated then just stared at it for awhile and finally entered the school.(ANOTHER AWKWARD SENTENCE) Hiroshi then put the book into his pocket and began to once again walk past some hallways. While he was walking he noticed a girl.* Hiroshi then decided to walk over to the girl and introduce himself. A*s he approached* the girl he finally stood before her and said, "H..hello names Hiroshi?",he asked softly in his italian accent.(THIS SENTENCE MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE) Hiroshi then noticed that* the girl was looking for something,"Oh,* I'm sorry,* is this a bad time...are you looking for something. M*aybe I can help?" he asked calmly.
After reading this, I wonder how you can misspell the book name that is ON YOUR PICTURE!
- Original
Hiroshi smiled at the girl then nooded,"Alright then",he said as he bened down and started to look for it.Hiroshi looked for awhile,and while he was still looking he asked her,"So how dose this jounery look like?",he asked,hopeing that when she explaines it,it would be easier to find.Hiroshi then looked up at a girl with fuffly ears,"Uh..names Hiroshi",he said with a friendly smile then contiued to look."I dont think we gonna find it here...I'll go check in yard",he said as he slowly stood up and said,"Excuse me",to both of the girls then walked down the halls and headed towards the yard.
Nicholas_Mar
Hiroshi smiled at the girl then nodded.* "Alright then",he said as he bent* down and started to look for it. Hiroshi looked for awhile.*,and while he was still looking he asked her, "So how does* this journal* look like?",he asked, hoping* that when she explains* it, it would be easier to find. Hiroshi then looked up at a girl with fluffy* ears."Uh..names Hiroshi",he said with a friendly smile then continued* to look."I don't* think we going to* find it here...I'll go check in yard",he said. H*e slowly stood up and said,"Excuse me",to both of them.* girls Then he* walked down the halls and headed towards the yard.
- Original
Hiroshi soon found the jounery as he put it into his pocket and stood up,then hushed towards the exits and bumped into a girl.As they both were about to fall Hiroshi kept his blance and gently but quickly cot the blonde haird girl,"I'm troubliy sorry",he said as he let go her when she was standing with her own to feet on the garound again.Hiroshi then smiled and said,"Names Hiroshi and you are?",he asked softly the wind began to blow his hair to the side.As the wind blew it messed up the blonde's girl hair,as he gently put someof her hair behind her ear then moved back and waited for her to answer his question.
Nicholas_Mar
Hiroshi soon found the journal. As*he put it into his pocket and stood up, he* then hushed towards the exits and bumped into a girl. As they both were about to fall,* Hiroshi kept his balance* and gently,* but quickly,* caught* the blonde haired* girl. "I'm terribly* sorry",he said as he let go her when she was standing with her own to feet on the ground* again. Hiroshi then smiled and said,"Names Hiroshi. A*nd you are?",he asked softly the wind began to blow his hair to the side.As the wind blew,* it messed up the blonde girl's* hair. A*s he gently put some of* her hair behind her ear,* then moved back and waited for her to answer his question.
I read this and I nearly blew my brains out... Total offensive intended. How can there be wind in a building? Unless there is an open door or window (which you never mentioned), then it is impossible
- Original
Hiroshi looked at her blinkly while she rised her vicoe.Soon as she lowed it down abit and asked for his name,Hiroshi smiled,"Its Hiroshi and its alright",he said softly in his Italian accent while watching her smoke.Hiroshi didn't really care since he dose it too.Poeple think hes a goody good boy because of the way he acts,but hes actally a tough kid.When he wants to be of crouse."I'm sorry again",he said while he just stood there wondering what to do or say next,even if he was a tough kid he was no good at makeing conversation with people.
Nicholas_Mar
Hiroshi looked at her blankly* while she rose* her voice*. As s*oon as she lowered* it down a bit and asked for his name, Hiroshi smiled* "Its Hiroshi and its alright", he said softly in his Italian accent while watching her smoke. Hiroshi didn't really care since he does* it too. People* think he'*s a goody good boy because of the way he acts, but he'*s actually* a tough kid. When he wants to be of course*."I'm sorry again," he said while he just stood there wondering what to do or say next. Even if he was a tough kid he was no good at making conversation with people.
- Original
Hiroshi looked at her for awhile,while he smoked.Soon Hiroshi notice tahts he was looking for something,"Is every ok..what are you looking for?",he asked softly as she soon told him she was looking for her phone,after that she told him to if he could wait here for awhile."Ok..",he said as he watched her hrush up the staris towards her dorm.Hiroshi waited outside while leaning against the wall with his right leg up and his arms crossed,as the wind gently blew his hair once more to the side.
Nicholas_Mar
Hiroshi looked at her for awhile, while he smoked. Soon Hiroshi noticed* that's* he was looking for something. "Is everything* ok?* W*hat are you looking for?" he asked softly as she soon told him she was looking for her phone. A*fter that she told him to if he could wait here for awhile. "Ok..." he said as he watched her rush* up the stairs* towards her dorm. Hiroshi waited outside while leaning against the wall with his right leg up and his arms crossed,as the wind gently blew his hair once more to the side.(Would you like to NOT run-on every sentence you write?)
See? Is it hard to mention being outside? Not really
