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I enjoy it,
crushing hearts and flirting willy-nilly.
I enjoy the burning passion,
expressed in their eyes.
I love the way they chase.
I love the game of it all.
To feel wanted, is to live.
To live is to not be dead.
And I feel so often like my flesh,
my beautiful flesh,
is decaying and only I smell it.
I think of the rotting sockets
and the corrosive stench.
I think of my bones becoming white.
I think of all my sins washed away by death.
Only he can see the evil within.
And only he will embrace me still.

Axel
Alexi
Alex
my dark prince.

/ sigh

It's Thursday. I have three more days?

My phone is off and remain so for a long time.

I am such a flirt that I don't know if my heart could ever really be true to anyone. I don't know if I ever loved anyone or if there was ever a time it was broken so that it was made that way. I'm not sure if I was made a flirt by design. I wish I had gone the way so many people had, having sex early and ******** up their lives early. I wish I had learned so much younger.

But I didn't.

Anytime I tell anyone I was a virgin till I was 21, they have these shocked looks. I can't be pretty and save myself for the right guy? Just because I flirt, I need to be a whore? Well, I am a whore now. I'm a ******** dirt slut b***h monkey. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate sex. I hate everything about relationships. I hate that I can't find someone I want or that once I do, I get paranoid as ******** and scare them away. I don't want anyone close to me because it means all my secrets need to be revealed or else there is this gap between us. I can't stand it.

I'm hurting.
I'm hurting other people.
I'm shamed.
I'm shaming other people.
******** THINCawc Gods damn you.

When I die, eventually, I hope I am sent to the moon. This way, I can look over the prayers of so many of the hopeful. I can play in their dreams and make merry with the great n' powerful Moon Goddess. She is so lovely. I'm sure the moon would be lovely. So when I die, you'll look up and know I'm there with you. You'll know I'm dancing and making merry because I'm part of the night, finally. I'm part of something larger than myself.

This isn't to say I'll die anytime soon but, when I do, try to think of me with this light. v , v