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I'm not sure if I clarified this before, but these entries are not uploaded on the same day they were written. I believe the first may have been, but the later entries of this series were transferred to my gaia journal from my iPod, a device I frequently vent on.

I should not be allowed to say that I love No'C still, but I do. These past few days have been frustrating since I know these emotions will go in vain. Somehow, though, my acceptance of my love for No'C has lessened my destructive tendencies. It hurts to believe I love someone who no longer loves me, but the sense that my love persisted despite my heartbreak is... reassuring, somehow.

No'C, I don't how long these words (I love you) will stay true. While it would make me incredibly happy to have you come back to me, it would seem so incredibly surreal that I will not be able to believe it and consequently be able to accept it. Time changes things and things change with time. The fact of the matter is this: you have lost my trust, but not my love.

How... How can that even be true? How can love exist without trust? But, at the moment, I... towards No'C, I... feel defeated.

Dear readers, I have been going through memories. I am in a dangerous state of nostalgia. I miss him dearly, and the pain comes in waves.

I miss his sober solemn self. Is that cruel? To miss that part of someone? Rewind a year from today (why not?), No'C and I would be talking to each other over a facebook voice call. Perhaps I would be sad, or perhaps the sad one would be him, or perhaps both of us would be sad or perhaps neither of us would be. His voice would be the only sound I'd invite into my welcoming ears. Perhaps his mother had just scolded for some trivial detail about where his life is or where his life is headed and I would be trying to console him somehow. Perhaps we would be playfully fantasizing about a grand life together, a life apart from the cruelties of the present. Perhaps I'm kissing him over the phone or perhaps he is doing so for me. I miss him. I miss our private conversations. I miss that comfort, that security.

I am guilty. I didn't give No'C the attention and affection he deserved.