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I'm still in love with you.


I know it's no surprise to you or me, but I can't help that I'm still so madly in love with you. Or at least what I remember you as who you were with me. And I know that person may not exist anymore, the one in my dreams that keeps me up at night and invades my living moments as blissful escapes from the dull dredges of the day to day.

I can't be a surprise to you; You left me after all. It wasn't that I had any outstanding issues with you and how you handled our relationship. Sure, it would have been nice to been told things before you gossiped and drank the cool-aid with everyone else instead of me. But, looking back, would that have changed anything at all? Maybe not then.

Maybe I hold some resentment towards you. After all, you were the adult the entire time of our relationship and instead of treating me as the adult I would eventually become you just treated me like a child. Who knows? Maybe you still think of me as a child because I still love you so much and that I still, even with the amazing women in my life, want you more than them.

It's been rocky relationship, one after the other. From one night stands to me putting something together that would resemble a relationship that I work absolutely too hard to maintain. From that damned flirting bone in my body to trying to remind myself that there isn't any love left in me to hand out because I'm already broken inside. You can't keep reading the book if you're stuck on the same chapter and can't turn to the next page, right?

And every time I feel this way, I always find myself looking you up and staring at your progress. Through this one sided mirror, I see the progressive words of others that you share to your own words about things that seem so trivial for me. How I always find myself choking up on what you've shared because I know each word is a verse against everything I was to you. A means to an end of remembering what I was to you and removing everything about me.

Coughing back tears as I see your face again, part hating myself that I lost such a beautiful smile in my life and part happy that you can still smile so large even after a giant mess like me strolled past your life. I wonder, quietly, if you're still smiling because you're happy or because you force the smile on your face.

When I feel that I should gently touch the delicate barrier to try and communicate to you, I'm quickly reminded that I don't belong in your World anymore. That you've made your choices and I, as an adult, need to respect them. No matter how much it tears a hole in my heart this distance which is between us.

Sure, there are days I wish I could just break down into your arms... Crying so hard because I've missed you each and every single day. But I know that wouldn't accomplish anything at all. Not because you'd be callous and cold, which you would, but because you've long since stopped caring for my bullshit.

There isn't anything to go back to. There isn't an 'us' at the end of this magical self-deprecating rainbow that I've pained myself on. There isn't going to be redemption for hating myself and unable to move on from you even if I hate the idea of it never happening. There isn't you at the end of all this... It's just more life without you.

And that's the part I should be admitting here: There is no more life with you. No matter how much I love you and how much I'd love to patch things together over some coffee and a lot of talking... It will never happen. You've made your choice and I have to accept it. I can't keep dreaming of you each moment I feel lost and hurt. I can't keep wanting you when nothing in my life is working out for me just because it'd be easier to feel like there's something at the end for me. I shouldn't value my past memories of us together over the relationships I've formed after you because I'm afraid one day you might return and I'd have to decide over you and them.

Even if you did come back one day into my life with all the intentions of just working things out with me... I don't think I could even handle that. As I grow more and more into an adult, I've come to grips more and more with my own flaws as a man and understand better my own limits. I don't have self-control over my flirting habits. As much as I hate myself for it, I can't find myself ever not lying but not to the degree that I've once lied to you and several others before. I've dramatically changed it but still lie very badly. I don't understand some concepts of conversation and tend to be very zealous in my manner of conversation. I need decision in my partner and in myself so that things make sense to me and don't obstruct my thinking.

There's a lot more things I could bullshit together on why we wouldn't work even if you came back to my life to tell me that you wanted to work things out. I think the most important one is that our chapter is already over. No matter how much I want to go back and re-read the same sentences over and over again, I can't ever go back to the magic that we once had. Maybe I'll never find the sparks that you've ignited me in from anyone else ever in my entire life time. I just have to live with that and live with what I've done.

We're done. There isn't going to be a repeat button on our songs.

I feel a bit better admitting this. It doesn't make accepting it easier but that's life isn't it? Accepting things one day at a time until it's a fact regardless of anything else. That's all I really need to do, isn't it? Maybe it'd be easier if I did hate you and that you did something wrong to me so I could cut you out of my life. But...

We both know that isn't the case and I couldn't bring myself to hate someone I love so much...