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Where do I even start.
I don't even know... like it ******** matters. I just wanna ramble.. rant.. gnash my teeth, punch a wall.
I suppose I should warn those with an a*****e complex and zero feelings that I may be quasi emo and depressive in what I write, so close the window now if you dislike that sort of thing.
Summer is here, people getting off school, heading to college, working, moving to new places... you get the picture. Summer is supposed to be all about freedom and change.
Yea.. change.
So what's changed with me?
Well-- how about squat. I haven't done barely anything to better myself or my lifestyle. Sure I'm doing school, but that's about it.
No job, no real big circle of friends or whatever... hahaha.. whine whine whine.. I guess I'm whining.
Roleplaying for me has gone down the shitter. I don't get the same 'epic' feeling or fun factor like I used to be able to get.. maybe 'cause I'm older... maybe 'cause Nik is gone, or maybe 'cause I just never really enjoyed writing for myself.
Don't get me wrong... 3-4 months ago I was pretty much known as a recluse.. always in my room, always online and stuff... worst kind of lazy bum you could find.
Until someone decided to stick their nose into my business and do something about it. Was funny, 'cause me and her were like at each other's throats for the longest.. I can honestly say I disliked her and figured she hated my guts or whatever. We couldn't post in the same thread without breaking into witty comments and being assholes to one another.
All, of course over a misunderstanding. Yea, yea.. my fault for being dumb enough to never want to resolve stuff but I mean, women can be scary... real scary... like my mom for example.
If she had her way, I'd be chained, spayed and leashed by her bed for ever.
Anyways.. so me and this girl were always fighting, never getting along, until like one day, enough was enough and we just hunkered down and talked.
And I found out why I always liked her.
Yea, I'm ******** up. "ohh wow, you liked her so you showed it by being a d**k to her".
Anyways.
We made up and talked again.. talked and talked and things went normal. She was always bugging to see me or whatever, well ok maybe not bugging, but it was an idea we kinda both liked anyway, so eventually I went with it.
It was good seeing her, felt akward at first, and I was sitting there like a dueche all quiet for the longest before finally just going with the flow.
Anyways, long story short... we've been friends for like.. what.. 1 year.. 2 years? I don't know. I can never remember these things.
******** was my point anyway...
Oh yea, I haven't changed.
Well... Iunno.. my "online" life has always been more alive than my "real" life. I'm like as popular online as I was back in highschool, so thats pretty cool...
But it also means I get myself into lots of trouble with girls and guys. I got a big mouth, and tend to say the truth too much about stuff. You know, talking without thinking or whatever.
Also, I'm like super shy irl, but online im all 'arrg super bad a**!'. its funny.. but i mean once you get to know me i can 'almost' be like Vahn. seriously.
Those who dont know me that well or are new to me, would just go 'zomg so quiet! is he dead?'.
i just like to watch. and listen.
boy do i love to listen.
on the phone, both nik and erinn will big me about that, saying i dont talk enough or add to the conversation.
i cant help it, , cause i mean-- when i do talk.. its like WOAH.
I talk, and talk, and talk-- and then you just wanna tell me to shut up.
Iunno.
So like, am I living a lie then? That it? I know I've been lying to myself a lot these past few weeks.
Thinking I could get with this woman soley because of what, a few good visits? What the ******** was I thinking? I must be like, borderline retarded to think a few smiles and jokes are gonna win me the world.
Or maybe just a hopeless dreamer.
I like to do that I guess.. dream a lot. Dream about what I can have, and do.
Most people tend to write me off immediately, saying "ohh you complain so much yet why dont you just do something about it already?"
Well, I mean, I'm scared.
Serosuly afraid.
Friend of mine liked saying to me "How come I have to put in 90% of the effort?"
Well, to that I say this "Becuase it takes everything I have just to come out with 10%".
I scared, lost and always thinking I'm doing something wrong. I swear, I'm like a kid that hasn't fully matured.
And I want, and I do, believe me, everyday I do try to grow up you know.
Yea, I got goals, I got plans.. I wanna do stuff with my life, I really do. I just... what was it you said to me.. I just need to go and grab that ******** motivation.
So yea, I can understand and see why I'd be left in the dust, thought of as silly and laughed at even for wanting what I want-- but it still hurts.
I know what most of you are saying 'Ahh, you'll get over it. Blah blah blah"
Maybe I will, maybe I won't. How would you know?! I don't even know!
I'm such a noob with life... hahaha.
People around continue to see the 'good' in me, they stick around and encoruage me, you know, try to reassure me and stuff, but i always feel like im a burden to them or always in their way. I hate, just hate, the feeling of being pitied.
Back to the whole kid thing, I guess.
I can't.. just can't expect to tear into someone else's life and steal them away for myself. That's justs elfish and so stupidly... dreamish...whatever.
People even started comparing me to Matt lately.
Is that how it is now? Am I coming off like some lewd b*****d now? I'm still a virgin for ******** sake, lol.
I can hardly call myself a "player" or whatever.
But people like to think what they think.
You all probaly think I'm gay anyway.
Sigh.
So what else should I whine about here?
I want to get a job, so I can move out of my house. Room with someone else or something, I don't care if I have to work at McDonalds for 5 years or w/e.
I don't even consider myself that good looking you know. All I got going for me is attitude.
Sometimes a fake attitude as well.
I'm such a bum. And such short attention span, I can't even stay on one topic properly.
I love you.
I mean, do I? Should I? Could I? Would you let me? Will I let myself?
Pffft. I'm sure you'd slap me.
I want to do so much for other people, and I do the best I can.. but I leave myself in the dust and treat myself like utter s**t. I'm never first in my mind for anything.
And is that so wrong?
Don't get me wrong, I don't think I should have never been born or something stupid, but I just think if its the best I can do on this world, I'll do it-- helping others.
Helping you.
Even if hurts me to hell.
-Ed
 Vahn Fah · Sat Jul 01, 2006 @ 11:18pm · 8 Comments |
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