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What happened here, I dare not say. Attractive, the farthest from her thoughts. What actions took place? Think in nightmare like terms, then and only then her brush with hell be known.

Trapped under what felt like ice, her head spinning, her breath getting shallow, why? Wanting out, but no way out is seen, fear taking over her body, paralyzed. She never thought to fight, wishing she had later. Her mind thinks back to the child like innocence she once had. What happened here, I dare not say.

How did she get here? I’ll tell you, it started with a word or two exchanged with him each day, phone calls now and then. Nothing unusual, nothing sinister, all fun and games. It soon turned to nightly calls lasting hours, closer he and she become. A relationship, normal, innocent, so they thought. What happened next I dare not say.

He and she began to hang out each weekend, movies, walks, TV, and more became their activities. Fun and games, closer they became still. She told him everything about her and he never shared anything with her, he was her ear but never trusted her. These words of distrust never left his lips, they did not have to. What happened later, I dare not say.

Things were great until these falsities pierced his lips as he said “I love you” she returned the words with truth from hers, “I love you to.” Things got serious, the fun and games stopped. She thought he loved her. He lied. She loved him, he lusted for her. Lust, love, are they the same? What lust caused I dare not say.

Here it comes again sometime in April 2004 the first time she realized he was not all she thought he was. In his room, dungon like. He said shut your mouth as she asked what was going on. She sat down and stared, knowing something wasn’t right. She trusted him, so she cleared her mind. He looked at her and made a move, she had no idea what was going on. He let her go, nothing serious this time around. What happened later I dare not say.

A week or two went by alone they were again. He forced her to the ground and she said no, think back to the items of nightmares, think in that bleak state, then one would see and know what she went through. He held her down and took from her what was not to be taken, she said no over and over but he never listened. First real boyfriend, naïve still she was.

Five months later he was away. She felt dirty, cheap, used and never looked up. Her friends asked her what was wrong she said “I dare not say” she started seeing it was not normal. She never said what happened, six months went by. She finally said what happened. She had been touched, one said she deserved it, another it’s a crime. She trusted them but who to believe?

Some of her friends had been through so much she felt she was undesirable, she felt selfconscious and wanted to cry. She never did, as her self esteem vanished she lost her friends, one by one they vanished from her life. She never spoke of what happened again until 2 years passed. She felt stronger and learned of the hells others had gone through. She felt for them and felt she didn’t know what to do. Some had been through so much worse, why should a simple grab affect her so? It did, still does though she never admits it, and never will.

She went from being loud to quiet and iscolated herself. She didn’t want people to see her. She knew not why she felt so bad she only wished it to stop. If anyone asked what was wrong she simply said “I dare not say” they gave up, they always give up. She had no one and had to learn to be strong.

This girl’s experience affects her now, I relate to her. She doesn’t know me and I don’t know her, all I know is hell ran her over. I know how much this can affect someone and I care. There is not much I or anyone can do for it’s been so long. Who is this girl? A distant me, that is who this girl, raked over the coals is a distant me. A me no one knows, not even myself. A me so far away she almost seems unreal, dream like, yet nightmare like. The me that I think back to and cringe. The me I think back to and feel anger for. The me that is in me still but I wish not say any more. For what really happened, I dared to say, but I dare not say anymore.