One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, My elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, You don't have to spend that kind of money. "There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars....heck of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.'
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Your Ford needs rings.
6. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes
with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last
time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate
them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and
discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you
pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing.
Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until
you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off
with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they
need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to
complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and
Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry
cleaner.
Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she
sees blood.
At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your
older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
children.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
THE BLONDE KIDNAPPER
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde. She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note.... Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
*************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Subject: GOVERNMENT
Government 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number of multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.
Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security
Service". Can't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women in their black outfits with jackets saying across the backs: "F.A.T.A.S.S."
The FATASS's are of course supervised by a special section of
the Home Land Security Section known as: Airport Security Service Home Office Logistics Enhancement Section or the
"A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S."
I feel safer already
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A Christmas Joke
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual
trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stess!!
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked
and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally
frustrated,Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there ws a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree fat man?" And that my friends....is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
"ME MUDDER"
When me prayers were poorly said
Who tucked me in me widdle bed
And spanked me till me arse was red,
Me Mudder!
Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on the ice cold pot
And made me pee when I could not,
Me Mudder!
And when the morning light would come
And in me crib me dribbled some
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum,
Me Mudder!
Who would me hair so neatly part
And hug me gently to her heart
Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart,
Me Mudder!
Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
And nearly have a king size fit
When in me Sunday pants me s*** ,
Me Mudder!
When at night her bed did squeak
Me raised me head to have a peak
Who yelled at me to go to sleep,
Me Fadder!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A senior couple pulls up to a gas station:
Attendant: How may I help you?
Old Man: Please fill It up
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man (yelling): He asked what we wanted
and I told him to fill it up
Attendant: So, where are you headed for?
Old Man: To Chicago to see our grandchildren
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man (yelling): He asked where we're going
and I told him we're going to see the grandkids
Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive
Old Man: Yes, it is pleasant
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man (yelling): He said the weather was nice
Attendant: Where you coming from?
Old Man: We started out from Pittsburgh
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man (yelling): He asked where we're from
and I told him Pittsburgh
Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once.
She talked a lot and was lousy in bed
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man (yelling): He says he knows you.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake everyday.
One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,
"Mark this spot, so that we can come back here tomarrow."
The next day, as they were driving to rent the boat,the first guy
asked his friend,"Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied,"Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said,"You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today?!?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Are You Ready For Some Fartball
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old
man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says
"Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and
says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops
in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
12 Valid Excuses for Avoiding Coming in to Work
1. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
4. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
5. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Here is a good reason to stay as far away from hospitals as possible!
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several "false alarm" trips to the bathroom, he decided the current episode was another "false alarm" and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked in a stern voice, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the
time, you stand at the toilet an nothing comes out!"
Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. When you're
seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You
take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day
and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age
of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the
60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00.
I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" "No, I have
one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get
this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every
morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
There were 3 little ladies sitting out in the sun shin. It was a wonderfull day.
All of a sudden this great looking young man runs by naked as a jaybird.
The first little lady has a stroke.
The second little lady has a stroke.
And the third little lady's arm was to short.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the
pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do
you need cyanide"?
The lady then explained how she needed it
to poison her husband. Ooh you should have
seen it, the pharmacist's eyes got big and he
said, "Ooh Lord have mercy, I can't give you
cyanide to kill your husband! That's against
the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and
I'll lose my license".
Then the lady reached into her purse and then
pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with
the pharmacist's own wife and handed it to the
pharmacist.
The pharmacist glared at the picture and sadly
replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a
prescription"!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
THE MANY MOODS OF WOMEN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
THE MANY MOODS OF A MAN
Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and companionship.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!".
So I bought her an electric chair.
Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"....
I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to'.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Wisdom From Dad
* If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
* I don't get even ... I get odder.
* I am having an out of money experience.
* I AM in shape. Round is a shape.
* Insanity is hereditary ... You get it from your kids
* I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths.
* Practice safe eating, always use condiments.
* Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
* Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
* It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
* People who live is glass houses ... Never get any privacy
* If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
* Too many cooks ... Make more mess
* If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the
floor.
* I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.
* I do weight-lifting every morning - Getting out of bed!
* Sticks and stones, may break my bones - But whips and chains excite
me
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Actual Answers Given By Contestants On The Game Show "Family Feud"
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deck chair
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A con man
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
Something with a hole in it - Window
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
This is quite amazing! Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
LADIES, THIS WILL MAKE YOUR DAY... MEN JUST READ IT
He said, "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in
it".
She said, "You wear pants don't you"?
He said, "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you"?
She said, "Turn sideways & look in the mirror"!
On a wall in a ladies room, "My husband follows me Everywhere.
Written just below it said, "I do not."
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was easy.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
What is the difference between men & government bonds?
The government bonds mature !
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge & go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed & go to the fridge.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says. "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
AS I MATURE
I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how
much I care, some people are just
assholes.
I've learned that it takes years
to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by
on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you better give a good b*****b
and have big tits.
I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking
long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how
hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades, and there had
better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never
go away.
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me,
they'll appreciate it. Who knows,
maybe something good will happen.
If not...tough s**t
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The Genie
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right
through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll
have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your
lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was
lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that
broke my window?"
Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband
replied.
Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that
bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three
wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment
and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest
of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least
I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in
every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will
always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish,
genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't
been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex
with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you
know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you
think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know,
you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind,
but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do
the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the
rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled
over and looked directly into her eyes and asked "How old are you and
your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"NO S@#T. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe
in genies?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Powerful Stuff!!!
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine,
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the boy what he had.
The boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world,
it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy
Water. If you take some Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's
belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The boy replied, "That ain't nothin'. You take some of this
turpentine and rub it on a cat's a** and he'll pass a motorcycle.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because
the truth was too humiliating.
I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped
I would feel like coming in the next day. By then, I thought, I could
think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was
no problem but one morning after breakfast I was taking my
shower when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Ed!! The garbage disposal is dead. Come and reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I'm scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me
in?" (Pause.) "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So I came, dripping wet and buck naked. I crouched down and
stuck my head under the sink to find the button. That was the last
action I remember performing. I was struck without warning! Nay,
it wasn't electrical shock. It wasn't a disposal drawing me into its
gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the
dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised
round the corner and had stalked me as I took my position under
the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she lept
at the toys I had unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought when it came to controlling my bodily
movements. I rose up at a violent rate of speed, with the
full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Raising
straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and
the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my
wife, the paramedics were trying to conduct their work while
suppressing hysterical laughter.
At the office, my colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the
matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson
Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At
the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been
such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the
world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone
you want in Heaven.
"Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,
"I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur
to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor
of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur,
"professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end
protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too
much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.
Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied
God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a
few words and waited for the results. The computer
printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers,
more men are riding my invention than yours."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When
they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in
heaven...don't
step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over
the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although
they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and
along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be
chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day
St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid
eyes on.
Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks,
"I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of
eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>http://www.geocities.com/johnniemccoy/elasticbaby.html
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
For those of us who watch what we eat ... here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Money is not everything......
Money can buy a house
but not a home .
Money can buy a bed
but not sleep .
Money can buy a clock
but not time .
Money can buy a book
but not knowledge .
Money can buy food
but not an appetite .
Money can buy position
but not respect .
Money can buy blood
but not life .
Money can buy medicine
but not health .
Money can buy sex
but not love .
Money can buy insurance
but not safety .
You see, money is not everything.
Therefore, if you have too much, please give some to me :-)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't:
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>A nice looking blonde was driving home when she got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner, seeing she was blonde decided he would have a little fun. Since his shop was so busy, he told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So the blonde goes home, gets down on her hands and knees and starts blowing into the tailpipe of her car. Nothing happened. She blows a little harder,and still nothing happens. Just then, her roommate, another blonde, arrives home and sees her blowing into the tailpipe. What are you doing?" she asks. The first blonde tells her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate, rolling her eyes, looks at her roommate and says,"HELLLOOOO"...... you need to roll up the windows first."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a
local police cruiser pulled her over and the officer walked
up to the car.
The Female police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said,"Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,"You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"SEX!!" he replies
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood! Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's".
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Wisdom!!!
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a few dollars
for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted a clutch of bills, and asked, "If I give you this money, are you going to go buy beer with it instead of food?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble" the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of
food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. I! instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a
man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, and golf."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
THE VALUE OF UNDIES:
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when
working under your vehicle.
From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA DAILY NEWS comes this story of
a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their
car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while
he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants
turned private parts into glaring public ones. Unable to stand the
embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and
found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his
forehead.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/index.html
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize
cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her
brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They
always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a
tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same
time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of
milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white
shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is
Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a
tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a
few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that
held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on
the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the
fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is
optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the
preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can
do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same
sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy
beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes
alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Right-Click on the Desktop
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the
tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from
giggling when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You Dig It, I'll Fill It
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, he
would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him and fill the hole,
fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging a hole,
the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard
these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what
are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and
fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who
plants the trees is sick today."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't
afraid to have a Chapter 11?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of
earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
How come you never hear about gruntled employees? (By the way, gruntle
IS a legitimate word.)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
How do sailors get their clothes clean?
They throw them overboard and then they are washed ashore
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Flowers
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to
send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. He let the florist know in no
uncertain terms how angry he was about the obvious mistake.
The florist wisely diffused the man's anger when she calmly said, "Sir,
I'm really sorry for the mistake, but just imagine this ... somewhere
there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
My watch
A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried
away and talks for two hours.
Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "I'm sorry I talked so
long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind
you."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Chatter
The congregation liked their new clergyman, but were somewhat puzzled
by his speaking style. His first sermon ran only 8 minutes; the second
Sunday he spoke for 45 minutes; the third week he rattled on for an
hour-and-a-half. That was enough for the board to summon him for a little chat.
To their relief, the preacher had a ready explanation. "The Saturday
before the first sermon, I had my teeth pulled and my mouth was still
terribly sore. But, by the time a week had gone by, I'd gotten used to my new dentures." Here the minister paused, and blushed deeply. "And as
for last Sunday... well, I'm afraid that I picked up my wife's set of
teeth by mistake!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Winston III
In the small town of Salisbury Mills, NY, the town founder, Harrison
Winston III passed away. Naturally, the whole town turned out, as did his family coming in from all over the globe. This threw the Adams Mortuary into an uproar. They had to have some employees do two or three jobs and even switch jobs to get everything done. One group of family members piled into one car. The procession was very long and not knowing their way, they decided to ask the driver how much further it would be. The patriarch tapped the driver on the shoulder, and said, "Pardon me......"
The driver let out a scream, and turned with a grimace of horror to see
who had tapped him. In doing so, he drove the car into the ditch and
through a farmer's fence, almost overturning it. After calming everyone down, the driver somberly explained, "I am so sorry for what happened.
You see, I am used to driving the hearse."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Noah
The little boy crawled into his Grandpa's lap. "Grandpop," he said,
"were you on Noah's Ark?"
"No, of course not," his Grandpa replied.
"Then how come you weren't drowned?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
EclipseMoon Community Member 
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