NEVER THOUGHT SCREWING MYSELF INTO THE GROUND WAS THAT EASY
<center>mood: depressed, angry, wanting to die but not really. </center>
Well, today started off bad, but things dont look up....ever. I mean, have you ever gotten into a bad situation? I'd do anything to fix it all, but I just can't...*sigh* here we go...
OK, I have a boyfriend named Jake irl. We been going out for a long time....well, I figured something out, and that led to liking someone else a lot. And from what it seems, that person really likes me too. I really care for this person. So, I decided that it was time to break up with Jake. I love Jake a lot, too...but it doesn't seem the same. I never felt as strong about him as he did for me, and I know that for a fact...so if that's what you call "using" someone, then fine...but I didn't use him for my gain...he was all I had, and I really do...or...well, did i guess....like him. Well, I told my friends, even that person that I like, and they all freaked. The person that I like said that it was okay if I wanted to stay with Jake. I told my friends that I just didn't like Jake as much as he liked me...but really it's because I like another person. Well, I was really nervous...and word got around to Jake that I was breaking up with him. I didn't see him for the rest of the day, but other people did, and they said that he was really upset about it. That made me feel horrible. You never want to hurt someone you care for, that's why breaking up is so hard. You want the relationshp to end with no hard feelings, no strangeness, no emotions, no anything...you just want each other to move on. You want to still be friends, to talk and hang out like normal friends do...but that's never an option when he or she grows on you. You can't just say "It's over." and then start having a conversation about last nights HBO movie. So, when I got home, already depressed and stressed out about how I was going to end it with Jake, the worst thing happened. The phone rang. Of course, with my crap luck, it was noone but Jake. I knew I was screwed from then on. He talked slowly...I could hear his voice trembling. It scares someone when you can hear the fear in a friend's voice so obviously. He told me about what people had told him, and asked me. I got stiff. I tried with every last part of me to end it them and there...but I couldn't. His voice was too much. You do ANYTHING to keep a friend from hurting if you can, and I mean ANYTHING, no matter what it does to you. I said no. "No, Jake...I wouldn't do that. Not anytime soon...look, I'll talk to my friends about it tomorrow, ok....yeah. I know, just don't worry ok? Yeah, love you, too. Bye." I hung up the phone. It sucks to know that you can't do something as simple as "I'm sorry, but it's gonna end." It really does. So, this is how I've messed up the lives of 3 people.
Jake: Now I'm lying to him, and I caused him all kind of stress. To lie to a person you care for is not good. Everytime I hug him now...it's fake, but he won't know, and I don't have it in me to tell him...he thinks it means something, when really he's just there now. I care for him, but I don't love him like that anymore. To think that I'm doing this...i want to scream and die. I'm this bad as a person...I'm this low...I hate myself for being who I am...is the the punishment of what I've done? Was it that big of a crime?
The other person: Now they have to watch as I go with my boyfriend everyday. They can't get all of me now. Every "I love you." from and to Jake is probably like a knife stabbing them. They say that it's ok...but it's not. I don't know how they really feel as they see me and Jake, but I can't help but think of how alone and bad they feel. I pray that maybe one day, we can be together without any obstacles, some harder than others...and I hope that in the future we need not worry about our relationship with anyone else.
Me: I'm stuck, and that's all I can say.
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Iia Community Member 
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Yuki the Yume-Guardian
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ChickenNoodleSoup Community Member 
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And I know it's hard to tell the truth...But it's usually better than lying. Lying only causes problems and guilt...If not now, then later on...It becomes larger...Maybe you should take it easy with Jake...you know...explain about your feelings. Everyone probably goes through with it. Maybe me...maybe later on. Not sure. But be strong, sister. You don't have to take my advice. I'm not good at it. But I hope this will give you some ideas. heart