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Go ahead! ******** ask me!
"How are you doing?" I am s**t! I hate my self I hate this. I mean I try all the things...I try to smile, I try to laugh....it all seems fake and not worth it. It seems I am fake. All I wanna do is show that I am normal...that I am not smart even if my IQ is 122 that...does not mean I am smart! Its not like I know that the ******** chemicals in my are shooting off at like a million miles an hour right now cause of my outrage and anger...not to mention sorrow. This is not like me...I will say something now...There is more then one personality that is me. eek Yes you read right...the cause....pain...the cure.....safety...security. Love affection. These things will cure my insanity...but can I get any where I live...NO! Can I find it else where...Yes I can..I have but it is far away...it is in my loving boyfriend but he isn't near me. I'm not complaining though...just how the ******** evil a** Fates arranged it to be. Thank you so much....thank you for taking away my parents, my only friend, my ******** memories....thank you. I didn't need them did I?! I mean I have people who are "mom" and "dad" now...but they aren't really my parents...Once when I was little I thought of meeting him...Why waste the time? Why waste the effort trying when it will never be returned? Nothing is ever returned it seemed.
My friend...He cares he doesn't want me to cut myself like I did a few weeks ago...but honestly...when I did that it helped me regain my mind. I didn't even feel it when I did it. I am sick I need help but no one in my physical plain cares or would even want to help.
Does having others dump on you help? HELL NO! But I wouldn't have it any other way...if they didn't dump on me then they would be like me...I wish that on no one. Normally I can handles this pain I feel but Michelle leaving was the last straw...I collapsed mentally when I was first told about 2 weeks ago that she wanted to go...I am a fool...Stupid beyond all ignorance.
I know some of you who read this will say things like "You're not stupid!" or "WHAT!?" But you know what...I'm tired of so many things...There is really only one person I live for and he knows who he is.
Tears do not flow from a broken heart.
They do not hit the ground and pool.
Shattered hopes and shattered dreams...
Is this what I am now?
 Annal Combustion · Sat Mar 31, 2007 @ 03:06am · 1 Comments |
