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6?? That was June! Now it's just barely November! Loooots has happened in that time. Well, let's see if I can get it all in one post before I leave again. There's the book launch, hurricane, depression, brain turning evil...time off of pills and out of therapy, more deep murky depression.
The book launch was amazing! My aunts came, my sisters came....my therapist showed up and my child psychiatrist came!!!!! When mom walked in with a very tall man, I didn't recognize him. I felt some familiarity, but who was it. ya know? When he spoke and held out his hand for a handshake, I grabbed him into the biggest hug I could. Since he towers over me, it must've looked pretty silly. I was wrapped up in a big bubble of excitement the whole time. I got some good questions and answered them well. People I thought might make it, didn't. but all the seats were full! Mom had invited two friends from her retirement home...idk why...but whatevs I guess.
I did well at answering the questions.
Hurricane Helane hit WNC pretty damn hard!!! You probably heard about it in the news somehow. I lost one friend in the aftermath chaos of it all. It was a hit and run. Most likely for resources. Bob deserved better.
Of my whole family in the area, my house got it the worst, and that was only a tree smacked into a skylight and I woke with a terrified scream from that sleep. We had leaves EVERYWHERE!! not just pretty fall leaves, but giant mounds all over the property!!
A cousin and bro-in-law came out to chop up the tree on our house. That was very nice! and then they all noticed a giant crack in a giant forked oak that had been here forevvvveeerrrrrr. It had always been a VERY. BIG. TREE. but...the tree men came out here and chopped it up and now it just looks like a broccoli stem. That crack closed up, and now our house is safe again. The tree men still have to come back, but the property is now safe.
The trees were all over the roads and our road had a giant hole in it for a little bit, so we had to go the long way. but that's all fixed up now. The stoplights were funky for a few weeks, but now it's all fixed and back to normal working order.
Today (Nov 10) the trees are all OVER the sides of roads. The roads are still being fixed. and Momma (helicopter) is still flying. Oh! Military vehicles are still here too. Many business went out of business, and many kept up. Some had trees fall in the buildings. Some people waaaay out there are still without transport, power and water.
My house never was without power for more then a night. It flickered a few times, but as we're walking distance from a school, we had power back pretty damn quick. Water is not drinkable yet, so we have many many bottles. But we can wash with it. It's gonna take a good while to get drinkable tap water again. Maybe a year or more. It's already been some months. ALL the places around here can only serve bottle drinks. and some are just not possible, bc dirty water. If I do end up making bread tomorrow, I'll have to warm water in the microwave.
The River Arts District--local, but slightly well-known place-- was super flooded and lost all the art. The city is trying hard to bring that back to life. They found floating bodies, and bodies up in rafters of places...there was even a couple who tried getting a cute pic of the river behind them, and whoosh! got caught in it.
My pills ran out and my therapist was doing crisis stuff so couldn't talk to her for about 2-3 appointments or something. So the depression got really dark and horrible. but now my pills are back and so is therapy! The world tearing itself apart outside hit me hard apparently. plus no pills..........it was really bad you guys.
even with me doing better now, I'm still not sure anyone REALLY cares. or even if I do. I'm just still having a hard time.
I'm trying hard to figure out my feelings, and I think I may have pinpointed the source. Mom. It makes me cry hard to discuss the depth of it all, but she just....isn't who I thought or wanted her to be. She hasn't grown at all. She's basically regressed. and is continuing to do so.
This realization along with other factors got me. So my brain is not having fun rn. I'm really trying to be all happy and good like my normal self, but I can't. My mask is slipping ...a lot.
What makes this even harder, is that this realization...isn't a one time deal. Brain damage, remember? emotional stability isn't possible for inside sources to complete. I need outside sources now. always have, but this is just...a different thing. my brain keeps replaying this horrid realization millions of times nd I can't ******** break the damn cycle.
My dad hates her guts. and Judy kiiiiinda gets it, I think. or she at least lets me talk. Gail, Tina and co. are all veeeeerrrry loyal to mom tho. Gail and Tina won't hear me out. They defend her. So I am or have been the center of a very large spiderweb and now can't get out of it.
I'm having a hard time.
 Green_crayon42 · Sun Nov 03, 2024 @ 04:46am · 0 Comments |
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