Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Introduction
-------------------

Gray, that’s my name, to be honest; it’s all you really need to know about me. If you want to get to know me then you're either delusional or just a sucker for other people’s pain. I remember like it was yesterday, happiness and pain mixed together and then seared into my brain, I doubt I’ll ever let it go, I mean, sure, I’ll move on but they say your first love will stick with you forever right? Damn, I hope they’re wrong.

Fine, I guess I can tell you, it’s not like the memories can kill me.


It was only two weeks until the summer holidays, everyone in school was so excited, I was in year 10, only one year left and then I would have be able to go off and do what I wanted. The school was so alive, buzzing with excitement and for once, I was happy. It was me and Alex, my best friend and an all around great guy; we were just waiting for everyone to turn up for lunch break. We were surprised to find that one of our friends, Fran, brought her little sister Rachel over. I say little, she was only in year seven, not too much of an age gap is you ask me but I wasn’t interested, just being friends with her was enough for me. Alex, on the other hand, took quite a liking to her, that was where it all began.

Two weeks later and they were a couple, holding hands, hugging, kissing, all of it in public, they didn’t know the meaning of a private relationship. After school, no matter who was around it was a continuing cycle of walking a few steps and then stopping for a kiss, it actually took us an hour to get from the school gates to the park, it’s not even meant to take ten minutes!

So there I was, hanging out with Katie, Rachel and Alex and just looking off into the distance when Katie spoke to me.
“You look pretty out of it you know”
I answered with a simple sigh before she moved next to me, putting an arm over my shoulder and leaning on me, new were close friends, and it’s what we did. Katie and I met last year, getting to know each other and eventually getting together, if it was just a few weeks earlier I’d probably have kissed her right there.
“I wish they’d stop the exhibit, I mean, look at him…” I said, whispering, the small distance between us and the others made is inaudible.
“Don’t worry about it; they’ll be bored of each other within a week.”
I just smiled, nodding and agreeing with her statement.

We didn’t stay much longer but you don’t need every detail, I’m going to miss some details here, the basic story is that we all spent time hanging out, living student life, you know, guitar hero, drinking caffeine drinks and watching movies. It was a week into the summer holidays when I realized how fed up Rachel seemed to be, yet she didn’t break up with Alex, she just put up with his constant possessiveness, I also came to realize that I liked her a little, well, maybe a little more. I didn’t dare say anything about it, Alex was still my best friend and I really didn’t want to ruin it for him, he looked like he was enjoying having a girlfriend.

So, there we were, Me, Alex and Rachel, just sitting in Alex’s room, watching a movie. Alex had been asleep for about twenty minutes now and I just kept focused on the movie, laid on the floor as he was obviously taking up the couch with Rachel. She got up carefully and came and laid with me, we had gotten to know each other pretty well over the last few weeks, we were like a really cool brother and sister, not fighting at all.
“Hi” was all she whispered, smiling slightly too, linking her arm with mine in a friendly way.
“Hi” I returned, smiling and returning my gaze to the movie, us just laying on the floor next to each other, enjoying the end of the movie while Alex snored away quietly on the bed. Another hour passed and the film ended, Alex was still asleep and it was starting to get dark out, me and Rachel decided to leave. She only lived a few minutes away from Alex’s so I offered to walk her home, she accepted and soon enough we were at her gates, saying goodbye.
“See you tomorrow” I said a smile and a hug followed, as usual.
“Yeah, See ya” she spoke in a calm, tired sounding voice. Then she turned on her heel and within a few seconds she was gone.

I looked forward to seeing everyone the next day, rushing to the park to meet up with the gang, 10:00 as usual; ready to sort out the day’s activities. Soon enough, Tom, the trouble maker out of our group, showed up along with Francesca, Katie and Rachel, no Alex in sight. Through the course of a long conversation with them all, I found that Alex was staying in sick, a usual when he just didn’t want to talk to anyone, he was very rarely sick. We eventually came to the conclusion that we could go to the town centre, buy some popcorn and coke, rent a movie and then head to my house to chill out; my parents weren’t in so we made ourselves at home.
We were sat watching the movie, about 45 minutes in when Alex called me.

“Hey man, whats up?” I answered, stepping out of the room to take the call
“Nothing much, feeling a little sick so I decided to stay in. What are you guys doing?”
“Just watching a movie at my house, popcorn, coke you know, a lazy day”
“Is Rachel there?”
“Yeah, she’s here, why?”
“I just wanted to know what she was up to, not answering her phone”
“Shouldn’t you be in bed or something if you’re sick? Not playing guitar hero?” I asked, hearing the obvious sounds of button clicks from the plastic controller.
“Nope, I was bored, mind if I come over? I think I’m a little better” He said, for some reason the fact that Rachel was here without him seemed to make him need to be here.
“No reason why not, just no mess, my parents are out, not dead”
“Sure, see you soon mate”
“See ya”

And that was it; Alex was off of the phone and on his way over, despite the fact that less than ten minutes ago he was sick and uncontrollably boring. I went back to the room, telling everyone that Alex was on his way, everyone seemed okay with it, not complaining so we just returned to the movie. I sat next to Rachel, she relaxed and laid down a little, just in time for Alex to knock on the door.
“Doors open mate!” I called, hearing the door open and shut again after. He came in and saw her leaning on me, not really looking happy at all, although not saying anything. Everyone said hello to him, now sitting in the armchair, sulking at the fact that someone else was sitting with Rachel. At least half an hour had gone since Alex arrived and he was still sulking so I spoke to him, not trying to be rude or anything, just making an observation.
“Dude, why did you come today if all you were going to do was sulk?”
“I’m not sulking! I’m just tired, being sick and all” he said, an obvious lie
“Look, if it bothers you that much I’ll trade seats” I said, getting up, Rachel seeming happy to sit up as she did so right away. He instantly moved seats, jumping in to where I was, me taking the armchair but whatever, it was his girlfriend, and I was just keeping her company. So anyway, the movie ended soon after and we decided to go back out, to Alex’s house, on his suggestion, I guess he just wanted the bed to lie on. Fran, Katie and Tom were waiting in the hallway, me tying my boots on the armchair, it was easier there. I saw Rachel and Alex kiss once more then he wanted to kiss a little more, Rachel obviously didn’t, she pushed him away. I didn’t take any notice until he pushed her back onto the couch and kissed her anyway, I just stood up and pulled him off and onto the other couch.
“Dude! She clearly didn’t want to kiss you. She’s trying to do her shoes up!” I said, sounding disgusted.
“She’s my girlfriend, butt out!” he said, actually having the nerve to make me look like the bad guy. I didn’t say anything, just shaking my head at him. Rachel spoke after that, sounding a little mad.
“I’m going home”
“I’ll walk you” said Alex almost instantly, she just shook her head.
“Grey, you wanna walk me home?” she said, me just look at Alex before answering.
“Sure” I said, not doing it to wind Alex up or steal his girlfriend, just wanting to be a good friend, despite how I was starting to feel. Alex stormed out after that, Fran and Katie following him to make sure he was okay, Tom staying behind with me and Rachel. We walked her home, ending in the same goodbye and a hug, and then walked back towards the park, it was like the center of our activities, we lived on two opposite sides of it so we said goodbye also and then went home.


I woke up the next day, ready within an hour to get into the town center again, Me, Alex, Rachel and Tom were supposed to get on a bus to the local seaside town to spend the day there. I met with Tom and Rachel, Alex obviously running late. We waited around for a few minutes and he turned up, got on the bus and went. I had completely forgotten about the argument yesterday, it seemed Alex had too. We spent the whole day on the pier, walking around and getting lunch, another of our regular days, nothing special. Tom had to go home early and so we said goodbye to him when he got on a bus, just after he left, Alex got pretty mad. Apparently Tom had told him about me and Rachel kissing last night, some friend, we never did, I already told you that. Anyway, Alex ignored the fact that Rachel was speaking, her backing me up. In the end I shoved him up against the wall, talking a little louder so that he would listen, of course, I intimidate him so his ears were wide open.
“I’m your friend Alex, I have been for years, There is no way I have been anywhere near Rachel!”
“I trust Tom, he doesn’t lie to me” he said, almost sounding cold as he did so
“Alex! We did not kiss! I’m with you and if I wanted to be with him then I would have broken it off” she said, trying to make Alex realize what Tom was doing. He was taking none of it in, just looking angrier before I let him go.
“Some friend you are Alex…You’re not worth my time” I said, turning to walk away, getting half way across the empty road before he grabbed my shoulder and threw a punch. Don’t get me wrong; it hurt but not as much as my knuckles after I hit him back. I caught him square in the mouth, catching his tooth and cutting my knuckle as well though. He didn’t bleed, he just went down. I looked down at him, shaking my head again.
“Go home Alex” I told him, not even caring. I turned to Rachel my nose and knuckle bleeding, the second one more-so.
“I’m sorry…You guys get the next bus” I said, not really wanting to be anywhere near Alex right now.
“You coming too?” She asked, helping Alex to his feet before he turned and walked towards the bus stop.
“Like I said, I can wait”
“I’ll wait with you, he’s only going to sulk on the way home anyway” she said, Alex was now standing at the doors of the bus, it was waiting to leave. I smiled.
“You don’t have to, go on, he’s only gonna start another fight tomorrow if you don’t go.” I said, only pointing out the obvious as she nodded, agreeing. We hugged, me being careful not to get any blood on her before she left, going with my best friend, or at least, the guy who was my best friend.

I waited a little while for the next bus and went to the town pharmacy before going home, cleaning up my nose and hand before bandaging it, sitting on my own in my bedroom before going to sleep, realizing what had happened today, I had lost two of my supposed friends and because Katie was friends with Alex first she would probably side with him. I was screwed, I was losing my friends.

At least something good happened the next day, Alex and his family were going up to Cornwall for a week, to see relatives, and this would give us some time away from each other. I called Rachel, despite that fact that if Tom found out he would start more rumors; I was in no mood for talking to him either. I arranged for me and Rachel just to meet up, doing so at the small grassy area near the local petrol station. When we were both there we sat on the bench, just enjoying some quiet time before we both tried to speak at the same time.
“You first” I said calmly, allowing her to speak before I did.
“Well…after yesterday…I realized how unhappy I am with Alex…” she said, looking a little unhappy afterwards. I offered a comforting hug, us just sitting there, me silent as she poured her heart out, me feeling so bad that she was unhappy, I waited for a while before saying anything in response.
“Rachel…you don’t deserve to be unhappy, you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who makes you happy, not some stupid, possessive and insecure guy” I was trying to be as objective and honest as possible, thinking and then adding to what I had said.
“Someone like me...” I added, hoping I wasn’t out of place.
“What?” was all she said, sounding a little confused I had obviously caught her off guard.
“Well. Look, you are always happy when it’s just us, I make you smile, and we have a lot in common. It’s perfect...” I said, looking at her face to face now, hoping in some way that she agreed. She didn’t.
“I’m so sorry…” she said to me, that instantly breaking my heart, I could just feel my blood thickening at the thought of her rejecting me.
“It’s not that I don’t like you …it’s just that I don’t like you…like that” I was feeling worse, she still wasn’t finished talking, her words, even if it was her talking, were really starting to hurt.
“I value our friendship more than anything...” she said, not talking anymore, just hugging me for a moment.
“I better get home…my dinner should be ready” she said, apologizing again and walking away, leaving me there to ponder what had just happened.

I almost ran home, just going straight to the bathroom, locking the door and sitting on the floor, against the wall, not sure what to feel right now. On one hand, I had just admitted my feelings to the girl I liked, on the other, I just suffered total rejection without hesitation, and it was painful. I looked to the shelf on the other side of the bathroom, seeing my All-in-one tool sitting there, one of its tools being a knife. I wasn’t thinking straight so I just pulled up my sleeve and cut right in; tears falling silently down my face as I did. I was there for about half an hour before I was done, feeling really light headed, hanging my arm over the sink, the tool in it. I looked down at my work, running it under the tap to get rid of the blood, pressing the towel hard on it, stopping the bleeding.

I got changed for bed, tying the towel to my arm for the night before retiring, staring at the photo on my wall from last week, Me, Rachel, Alex, Katie, Francesca and Tom, all looking so happy, well not any more. I Fell asleep, not really sure if I wanted to wake up, I did anyway, the very next day. The first thing I did was turn off my phone, not wanting to be in contact with anyone. I just had a shower and got ready for the day, however dreary it would be. Every few minutes I looked down at my arm, it wasn’t bleeding any more but on the back of my arm and nowhere else, there was a section of red lines, deeply cut and a little swollen, forming letters and a single word, Rachel.