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I realize now that my pre-conceived notions about life, and my place in it were/are wrong. I never really thought I'd hit that moment where you just "give up", but man am I feeling it now. An office job seems more and more inviting to me right now. Everything about my future just feels so...wrong...

I recall being taught in elementary school, nay probably as early as I had a grasp of the English language, that I could be whatever I wanted to be. I suppose it's true to some extent, if you want to be anything. But I never really wanted to be anything. I never had a passion in life, other than for life itself. Sure I love writing, traveling, climbing, etc. But these are hardly things I could ever do for a living. Nor am I particularly good at any of them (except traveling, I guess you can't really be bad at that). So I never really fostered my talents, instead gliding through life, doing what I was told, expecting to discover my true calling in college. But that came and went...I majored in psychology, something that I was ok at, and found somewhat interesting. I thought for a brief shining moment that perhaps I did have a passion for psychology. The boring classes and trivial subject matter drained the life out of that dream though. So here I am, almost a full year after college, and I got nothin.

No real marketable skills, other than a degree. (BIG deal, everyone has one these days, college is the new high school)
No passion for any field.
Little to no capital to start a business.
I don't own my own car and I live at home.

So what now? I don't know. I tried starting a business, but it's turned my life into a cruel waiting game. As in, waiting for the mall to call me back when they have space. But who knows? It could take a year for them to get back to me. Or it may never happen at all. You think you have a means to make money and afford your goals, but then red tape blocks your way.

You think you have an attainable means to make your life work. But then society comes along and kicks you in the a**. Because you can only be successful on society's terms. Not yours. You can be the best director in the world, but if you don't have any contacts *shrugs,* oh well. You could be faced with the best investment opportunity ever, but if you don't have any capital *shrugs,* oh well.

So money....is what it really comes down to. Money is the source of all my problems. Because without money, you start at the bottom. and the bottom is...an office job.

So here I am, stuck in basically the same situation I'd be in if I had never gone to college in the first place.

I went my whole life thinking I was the opposite of my parents. That settling for an office job is failure. But I'm starting to see now that without any real marketable skill it becomes necessary. Because loans are impossible to get these days, I can't start a business. Because housing has gone through the roof, I can't move out.

So here I am...just...living. Not really doing much else. Yeah sure I'm learning a few skills here and there. Yeah, I have great friends and a girlfriend but...

Where are we all going? I feel like even if I end up getting enough money to start my own business, I'll have whored myself out to an office job to do it. And that was the whole point of starting a business, so I wouldn't have to do that.

A's whole purpose seems to be to make money so he can fund R. R seems to be keen on doing oddjobs to fund his movies which were supposed to be money makers in the first place. Is that all there really is to life? Is our entire future going to depend on our ability to keep the money we make?

I think if I had wanted to do something meaningful, I should've started a long time ago. We're always taught that if we fly straight and get good grades, we'll be successful and make tons of money in our lives. Never in highschool did anyone tell me I HAD to settle for a career RIGHT NOW. But you know what? You really do. If you don't prepare for the future, you're doomed to be consumed by it. If you don't figure out the skills you need, and master them before you get out of college, you're basically up a creek without a paddle. Your parents stop paying for your s**t. Your friends are too busy to hang out. People are moving out and buying cars, when you can hardly afford gas every week. Life goes on, but you stay the same.

At the moment, that is how I feel. Stuck in time. What's worse is that the more I think about it, the more some of the stuff my parents said was right. And that scares me. Because I used to pride myself in being the complete opposite of my parents. I hated the idea of getting married. I hated the idea of having kids. I didn't want a 9-5 job. I didn't want to circle jerk my bosses. I didn't want a suit and I didn't want to have to be someone I'm not.

But now? I'm not sure if that's what I want to be, or merely what I HAVE to be.
And now I feel like I am losing my identity because of it.

Is it inevitable? That one day you just make a conscious decision to "give up"? Is that what being an adult is? Because, if so I don't want it.

Please, don't let me be like them. I don't want to lose touch with the beauty of life. I don't want to be boring. I don't want to be unrelatable to anyone younger than 40. I don't want my life to revolve around work and TV. I don't want to lose touch with my friends.

I don't want to stop caring but...I feel like part of my soul is dying. And that perhaps the kid in me will soon be no more. So I am writing this to remind myself of what I used to be like. So I can remember what it was like growing up. And maybe not completely laugh off the ideas of those younger than me, because I will remember that I was in their shoes once.

So with all that being said, I give up. I accept the inevitable, that I will hate my job. That I probably will get married...because as stupid as this sounds Chelsey is the only thing that makes sense to me right now, even if I've only known her for a year and a half and as a lover even less. And who knows, maybe some day I'll have kids of my own. I only hope that I can prevent them from making the same mistakes as me.


and to all those reading this on Gaia, thinking it won't happen to you, hoping meaning will just happen upon you after college? You might want to think carefully about what I said. Find something your passionate about and stick to it. No one is going to save you. No one is going to find a career for you. You have to do the legwork. Find what you're good at now, learn the skills necessary and start looking for contacts. It's never too early to prepare. Don't end up like me.


(the rest is cut off...)

I considered contacting her again to re-start our friendship again for the 3rd time.

But then I realized how horrible that sounded.


(the rest is cut off...)