Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Starting new is harder than I would've thought. There are things, habits, that I have been meaning to quit for some time now, but every time I try, I can only get so far. I lack the motivation to change. These are all coping habits I'm trying to quit, all destructive, so without these things, I am scared. I'm afraid of how I'm going to cope with stress without these, but I'm afraid for myself if I continue this. So, let's just get it all out in the open.
I am a self abuser in recovery. I've pulled out my hair, given myself physical scars, made myself feel worthless with my own words, starved myself and thrown myself into solid surfaces to feel physical pain to distract from the emotional. The last time I made myself bleed was February 25th, 2014, almost two months ago. However, the abuse has continued and I justified it, telling myself it was okay to hurt myself any other way as long as it left no more scars. Two and a half years, I've been self abusing and it's almost become a survival mechanism, so I am having trouble finding different ways to cope with stress that don't hurt. I've suffered through four breakups since late July 2013, and also have had the stress of my environment. My parents are not the best at tolerating stress as I'd like them to be, but that is not something I can control, so I must work on my own stress toleration levels to get any kind of relief. Of course, it's not easy to step back from a situation and take a breath when you haven't gotten used to dealing with pressure like that. My father has had problems with anger for as long as I remember (some of which I believe was my fault, since I was not the most well behaved child) and unfortunately, that is something I have contracted as well. Little things infuriate me to the point where I fantasize about taking a bat, or something of the like, and destroying everything in my way. But, I clench my fists and bear is, as I believe no one will understand. Everything I do about my feelings is hold back for fear that no one will understand. It has taken a toll on me, since I feel as though I can't go to anyone to vent my thoughts. Even my best friend of four years feels a world away from me when I have a problem. When I vent to people, the most I get is a simple apology, which sounds to me like they don't care at all about me. All I know for sure is how I feel when people vent to me, slightly irritated and impatient. I just want to remind them that life could be so much harder, but I've guilted myself for too long by telling myself that and now, I feel like a selfish b***h. It doesn't help to tell someone that it could be worse and I didn't realize that until I felt it myself. Hell, I can't believe it took me so long to find out that it wasn't everyone else who had the problem, it was me. All that time, I was blaming everyone else for not giving a damn, but it wasn't them. It was me all along.

I've felt sorry for myself for too long, but it needs to end now. Life is nothing but ups and downs, with more downs than ups. I need to be strong for myself and for everyone around me. I'm not sure if anyone else is dependent on me, but in case there is someone out there, I need to be happy and make it through every struggle for them. It's not just about me, it never really was.
I need to take better care of myself, make myself feel like the goddess I am. Each and every one of us is some divine being, no one more so than another. If people would just love themselves as much as they're meant to, there would be no more disaster among us humans. In a perfect world, though.

Well, I believe that concludes my thoughts for today. Until next time.