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Benevolent Dreams


The nightmares started coming slow. Then, the last few months, they gotten more frequent. Maybe it was foretelling the future or just teasing me. Suicide was never the option for me but it seems it was the only way out. Speaking about my nightmares didn't help and people just didn't want to understand was was penetrating my brain.
I was only 20 years old, living in a suburban area, avoiding the gangs that constantly killed innocent people. I wondered why these people chose the life of harm and pain. Drugs and alcohol wasn't a way to live a life and I doubt that these gang members were actually paid. Keep telling myself that I will never turn out that way and I won't act out of desperation.
Yet, the desperation teases me as I'm constantly, verbally abused by my mother, brother and my step-dad. Cussing and criticizing anything that didn't go their way. It felt more like torture to me and I wonder why I bothered enduring it. I knew I wasn't happy with the life I lived and with the alienation I created. It seemed I tried to change who I was, causing more harm to myself and making me more miserable.
After my dog Angela died, I feel like I am more lonely. No more cuddling, no more kisses on the nose and no more petting her soft, delicate fur. She was my first dog and my spiritual sister and best friend. She let me cry on her when my Grandma died and let me speak to her when things went wrong. I felt like she understood me and she knew the pain I was going through. It's funny how your dog is a better companion than a human being is. I think that I'm afraid to be physically judged by another person... so I guess that's why I do what I do.
My body is a tad overweight. I've been losing weight thus far but I still feel ugly. My mom tries to assure me that I'm beautiful and there is nothing wrong with me. I feel the eyes of judgement when I walk down the street, feeling the displeasure of my appearance. My a** wasn't perfectly round, my eyebrows weren't trimmed enough, my skin wasn't clear enough and my chest wasn't perky enough. I never wished to be a "Barbie" but I feel my esteem would shoot up if I was. It seems every time I look in the mirror, I can't help but cringe.