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This is a personal anecdote I wrote for Creative Writing. P: Tell me what you think if you read it.



I am a geek. A computer geek to be exact. I spend 90% or more of my time at home on it. Whether it be listening to my music library, chatting with friends, or playing on interactive websites like gaiaonline. This life-consuming thing called the internet has enabled me to 'meet' many new people, people under which under normal conditions would be hard to find. People who are interested in the same things as me and that have the same sense of humor that I do. Least to say, even though I often never see the face of these people, I feel very close to them. This can cause problems as you would probably assume. I feel like even though I don't know them in person, we've learned enough about each other to call each other friends.

Is this weird? Maybe. Probably. But honestly, I think it's perfectly healthy for certain people, for example: If you're anti-social in real life, or have a hard time connecting with others in real life, than this is the way most outcasts go. The internet is our refuge from the dangers of the outside world. Or at least, it is to me. People have told me before that I'm cute or pretty or even beautiful but not once did I believe them. Never have I ever truly felt beautiful, not once. I probably have low self-esteem issues. I never felt really good about myself until I met a boy named Andrew on facebook through a stupid application called 'Are you Interested?'.

Andrew had dirty brown hair, had a sandy complexion, looked rather lanky and was staring at the camera with black, emotionless eyes. The strange thing is, I never really saw him as cute or handsome or special in any way, he seemed bland in fact, an average Joe. Heck, he wasn't even smiling in his picture. But-- I saw a lingering sense of sadness in his eyes, and that intrigued me. I had no interest in internet dating but when I saw that he lived all the way up in Canada I felt there was no harm in sending a friendly message. And so I did, we couldn't stop talking, he eventually convinced me to download windows live messenger because the facebook chat freezes a lot.

I would spend at least two hours every night on my mom's laptop, talking to Andrew. We never really ran out of things to say, and we even had funny inside jokes. I soon found out after becoming friends with him on facebook that what intrigued me in the first place was true. He was sad. I never learned quite when but he had lost someone close to him not too long ago, someone he must've loved. A girlfriend perhaps. I didn't want to ask why or how because I felt that wasn't my business. He said he'd moved on and it was fine but how many of us say that just to get off a topic we don't like to discuss? I could tell he was masking his pain, and that the wounds on his heart hadn't quite finished healing yet.

The worst thing of all though, is that I was like him. Except I hadn't lost someone physically, I had lost them emotionally through betrayal, years of lying. Leading me on, when they had no interest in me at all. And that's the kind of hurt and realization that makes you feel like a fool. The kind that makes you want to never tell anyone how you really feel again, because you're scared that the hurt will happen all over again.

Regardless, I kept talking to him for months on end, throughout most the summer till well into September. I felt Andrew was so sweet and funny and adorable, I felt like I finally found a guy who understood me. We kept saying to each other 'I wish you lived here', and that we cared about each other. That's what made me really happy. Someone cared about me, even wished I was closer to them. I'd never felt so significant in my entire life. When I spoke to Andrew, the thought of rejection and heartbreak was the farthest thing from my mind. I was disillusioned for that time, and had completely ignored the fact that he lived thousands of miles away from me. I'd never be able to touch or hug him. That's the only time. But by mid-September, my seemingly perfect world crumbled all around me.

I have poor memory so I apologize for not being able to get detailed in advance. It was during one of our chats that Andrew brought up an uncomfortable subject of girls. A little crack appeared on the dam that protected my heart from crumbling into millions of pieces. I didn't want to hear about how girls were flirting with him, I didn't want to hear this at all. I mean, he got jealous at the faintest hint of me having close male friends! It was during that conversation that I was getting frustrated at his inability to respond to my messages in a timely manner. He was taking five minutes to write 'uh-huh' or other one word replies. I jokingly but half-nervously asked him 'What are you doing, talking to other girls or something? While you're talking to me?' and his reply was 'Uh-huh, how'd you know?' Maybe it's silly. Maybe I could've avoided this whole situation by keeping my heart away from another but I didn't. And so the dam around my heart started breaking, breaking until all that was left was rubble. And a pathetic excuse of a heart.

A lot of feelings rushed through my head that night after we said our goodbyes. I felt sad, unloved, confused, unwanted, and most of all ugly. Like the most hideous person walking the earth. Like how someone must feel when they're stood up by a date. Like no matter how many angels would fly to the Earth just to lift my spirits, I wouldn't budge, would remain still as a rock. I felt that low.

It wasn't until the next day, that I realized I was acting irrational, why should I care what some boy (who I've never even laid eyes on in-person) does? It's not like we were together or anything, it's not like we were in love.. but it still hurt. It was that day that I took the initiative to separate myself from him, to spend less of my life focused on him and only him. After all, it wasn't good for me to become so attached to a person that could be considered a total stranger. I realized that I was getting too caught up in my dream world and that the slap of hurt was what I needed to wake up again. And so I decided to temporarily sever my ties with the boy I so lovingly nicknamed Mr. Canada. I told him that I was hurt by what he said the last night, about the girls, and that I needed to spend less time on the computer (more specifically on windows live messenger) and that I still wanted to be good friends. He said he was just joking about the whole thing but who really knows?

As time went on, I figured it'd be okay for us to talk again. I tried messaging him on facebook, commenting on his profile, and even logging into windows messenger to try catching him. As soon as I logged in, I saw him log off. And when I caught him on a few days later, I messaged him. This time he responded! With an 'mm-hmm' and that was it. Nothing after that. No 'sorry I'm busy', no 'how are you', no nothing. I found out that he was trying to ignore me. And again, it hurt. I went into some kind of deep depression for an hour or so until I vented to my friend and he cheered me up saying 'It's his loss'. He was right, it is Andrew's loss. And I don't know why he felt that he needed to ignore me. I didn't get it. I still don't. The weirdest thing of all, is that we're still on each others friends list, and I don't think either of us wants to sever that last tie. To finally and completely shut each other out. But maybe we should, it would help me get some closure.

If I had to pick one song to sum up how I felt and perhaps even still feel about Andrew it'd be "Something about us" from Daft Punk. One part that specifically stands out to me is the first stanza
,

and perhaps it wasn't the right time. It probably never will be for us, but in the end I did feel he was a special person-- to me anyways. Maybe he didn't hurt me, maybe I hurt him. Maybe he was joking. Maybe we both hurt each other. Well, wherever you are Andrew, I'm sorry and I miss you.