*sigh*.......
i hate saying this soo much just because i tend to contradict myself most of the time....i think theres something wrong with me.....as im writing this, im not mad, upset, depressed or anything for that matter....even if it may sound like one of the listings...i strongly believe theres something wrong with me......
i brutaly disgustingly hate my sister so very much...
i hate every bit of her, i always want her dead i want her to feel that i hate her shes so god damn stupid!! shes never going to realize that this is posted in my journal for the whole ******** public to read!! thats how brainless she is! she cant realize when things are so obviouse! i feel asthough shes taking my life away from me i want to be the one to murder her with my bare hands! just seeing her with my mother makes me feel like shes taking her away from me!! shes part of my blood and i hate that about her! everyone can tell that were sisters!! i hate it! i hate it! i ******** HATE IT!! im so irritated by the way she talks the ******** up cousins i have i wanted to keep her self confidence locked up inside herself. i wanted her to still dress as a boy, to still be shy with guys, to feel that shes obese and to hide herself from strangers, i wanted to show her that shes a ******** puppet and shes going to BE a ******** puppet!! i am her master and i've attached more strings upon her so that i could be the better one of the family to be successful in everyway possible! i wanted to be the one to be beautiful and get married and have kids while she suffers alone jobless and treated by my parents so that i could be looked upon as always the better one!! she says that shes older, she appears older, she was born before me, yes i no. but why is it that i no my future career and where to go much more then she?! why is it that i seem to bond more with my distant brother and my parents more?! why is it that im more successful in school then she ever was?! because I AM BETTER THEN HER BY ALL MEANS!! everything she does around the house i always see myself handling a knife near her, pushing the chair shes standing on, throwing a book at her, throwing a glass cup right in that ******** up face of hers....i c myself doing all this because i want her exsistance to be nothing more but a far off memory that will be kept secret so that my parents, cousins, uncles, aunts, can know for a fact that even if she did live, she would not have been as successful as im planning on being...i try to tell myself that all this that im feeling is just a stage...but honestly, a stage of what exactly? pride?! no...this cant be a stage...in order to regain what i deserve i must do something i hope not to regret but i know i will....someday...intime....i will poison her somehow..all it takes is a bit of research and serendipity to keep my hope intact....im sick and tired of being compared to her...being on vacation makes trying to be far away from her more difficult...and as i try to keep away...she comes near to make pathetic noises and laughter to try to make me speak and ask "what" but i leave...i dont want to be near her but everytime i want and desire to bond with my parents without her around, she always appears....while my parents have conversations she always tries to make one with me.....but i dont want to....i hate her...im sick and tired of living with her!! I WANTED TO BE THE OLDER ONE SO THAT I CAN FINALLY LEAVE HER BEHIND!! im tired of living here...im tired of knowing that day after day she will still walk th earth breathing....living.....but let me ask u this....do u believe that this is a faze?.....or will i have to make it all go away by a single tare of that annoying figure she calls a body?
i feel sick...
-HeavensxAltar- Community Member 
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