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Every moment traveled down this road I find weary travelers who come to my side, accompanying me in a seemingly endless journey. Each traveler has a story and destination as unique as the shoes they wear and soul they possess. Gradually they hand me a new trinket, something found along the way that they decided to bestow upon me. A “something” that will forever be with me on this bumpy road, whether they decide to walk with me or travel down a new path. As the seasons change, as the road transforms, as I grow, there are always times when I reach into my pocket, grasping a gift, a lesson, a piece of someone else. To each I owe a priceless portion of me, for they’ve all helped to mold who I am today and influenced everything that I am to become. It is these travelers, my friends and family, who have taught me so much, blessing me with diversity, insight, and an uplifting sense of who it is I wish to be. All are an entity of their own with lessons unparallel to those before and after. These are the pieces they left for me, now shared with you. I expose a few of my trinkets, a glimmer into who I am, with pride, for it’s something I will carry with me as I constantly gather more while this journey continues.
A candle. My very first gift, given to me at birth, this “candle” has always been there to light my path and help me find my way. My father and mother gave me this to help me, to keep me from tripping and to be a comfort no matter how dark and frightening the path may get. Though it will not stop me from falling, will not protect me from the danger, can’t hide me from the sometimes terrifying world around me, it’s what I was given and exactly what I need. It is a lesson of confidence, an acknowledgement that whatever path I travel they will always be on either side of me, and my first road sign, pointing towards the brightest future. They’ve given me this gift of pride about who I am and what it is I am to become. Introducing me into this world with open arms and love, acting as my beacon of light to lead my way back home if I ever get to lost.
A magic wand. A present I’ve been carrying with me for most of my life which works only if you believe in it, then again it’s always seemed to work for me. A gift from my brother, it has the outstanding ability to transform any silly mistake into a blissful reminder of how human we all can be. It has the power to bring laughter and sunshine into even the greatest and darkest rainstorm. It contains the ability to let you step outside the box and look into your life, seeing almost any situation from all sides and angels. It’s a lesson about how comical everyday life can be, if you just let yourself go a little bit. A small reminder of how real life isn’t always as dramatic as you interpret it to be. Thanks to my brother’s gift I’ll always be able to smile and laugh as if no one were around me. Happy with where I am and who I’m with, blissfully unconcerned about what blunder I may make someday in my future.
A kaleidoscope. A charm placed secretly in my pocket by a talented artist and irreplaceable friend, Tiffany Joy. This gift can take a common, everyday image, and transform it into something wonderful, beautiful, and unforgettable. She showed me that everything on this earth has some precious quality about it; all that’s needed is a new perspective sometimes. I learned how to appreciate everything from the most angelic butterfly to the loneliest rock. Constantly asking questions, never judging, always learning, always looking, knowing that there’s still so much to discover about all there is around me. It constantly challenges me to look deeper and experience more as I try to see past the mask that is so often displayed, instead into the soul that lies within. When she slipped this gift to me, I’m not totally positive, yet it is a gift I hold close to my heart, grateful for every moment possess it.
A pocket watch. Constantly ticking it is the very essence of time contained in a small, beautiful, gold package. A gorgeous, quiet, ticking reminder of something that cannot be stopped, but instead embraced. My Grandfather gave this watch to me when he passed away. It tells how, though life is short, no matter how aged you may look you’re heart is only as old as you believe it to be. In his time here on earth he displayed a love for living unrivaled by all those around him. His presence alone would light up a room as all basked in the radiance of his joyous singing, dancing, or just joking around. He was always as alive as the day he was born and this watch is a teaching he left for all. That nothing can hold you down but own weight, not one thing can stop from dancing but your own two feet, and the only one that can keep you from breathing in every moment are your two lungs.
A blanket. Handmade, warm, and encompassing, it’s sown by the hands of many, but was not finished until a past soul seeker and immeasurable companion, Andrew Everit, came along. It acts as a small protection from the harsh elements that surround me and though sometimes I forget it’s there, I always find it when I need it the most. This item is the reassurance that I am beautiful, both inside and out. That I need not hang my head because people enjoy seeing my face and discovering what it is I hold in my pockets. It lives in a hug, a smile, and sometimes a tear, existing in the idea that I am a unique, one of a kind, person. Made by the love of my friends alongside my love for them I would be shivering in the cold without it. Today people still add to my blanket, helping it grow larger and warmer, but before Andrew, I did not realize what my fellow travelers had made, he was the one to drape it over my shoulders.
Gradually my pockets grow; the amount they can hold is infinite. On every path I follow, through those that are lit as well as some dark as a starless sky, I’m handed new trinkets. Many other items have been discovered along the side of my road, they are found as I myself learn life lessons through my experiences. They appear at times of pressure, stress and sadness, along with at times of joy, laughter, and smiling, everywhere there’s something to be found. These few items are the one’s that I hold the closest at times of trouble or despair. I know that in my future there will be many more, just as important as the one’s described, each will become a priceless portion of who I am.
 x_Nightingal_x · Wed Nov 08, 2006 @ 03:16am · 1 Comments |
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I smile....I laugh...and I mean it once again. What I see, what I've learned, has all lead up to this. I don't know what I'm going to do about the little drama that I meet, I know in time I will deal with it, but at the same time I can't help anymore but feel a strange feeling of hope.
It is a goodness that comes to me sometimes and I can't help but giggle and smirk at how I know something no one else does.....that I'm ok, I'm going to be ok...everything's ok, because I want it to be.
I laugh again, a laugh that doesn't care that Billy across the street maybe looking, I smile again simply at my sometimes to stupid to be true actions. I can laugh at myself knowing that to me....I'm my greatest entirtainment and can always smile no matter what they do to me.
Joy has hit me and I can't help but bask it the wonderful warmth and be as carefree as ever while I realize.....life truly is good to say the least.
I make now the decision to find peace in the little things, to stop dwelling on the things I can not control, to appreciate the fact that at some point thanks to my friends, family, and one boy who's a bit closer then a friend I can say I've loved, doubted and found myself all over again. I hope that maybe this time, writing it out, someday lol while the little things pile and the hate that tends to work away at all our hearts grows I can look back and smile once again....realizing that so long as I believe, it's never to late to start over.
People change, things change, life changes.......but one things always seems to come back to me and it's this:
The knowlage that I have been loved....I will be loved, and no matter what I do someone, some where will find me again, no matter how long it takes, someone will.
Now who lol that's a who nother story.
I take this time now to thank those who have befriended me so well. I don't have to name names, say what you did, say why I love you, because you all know it (lol and if I did share all not only would I be here for months if not years, I'm sure a few faces would be redder then mine at admitting to some of our more "rowdy" actions). Some of whom will never read this, but maybe a few will in the future.
I thank you all for being with me, as I said loving me, smiling with me, laughing with me, sharing this wonderful thing we call life with me and most of all teaching me.
People ask why I smile and I say "If I don't....who will?" but in all honesty I like to be the last one left with a good laugh, I love to know that by making that goofy "delayed reaction" people will only laugh that much longer and harder. I love the sound of people showing the world the joy they feel inside and finially just letting go, though it may not be for long, laughing so hard you lose control of what you think and suddenly everything you touch lights you up inside and sends you into another fit of giggles.
Best of all is the feeling that I can do all this. Knowing that I can laugh and be happy without the alcohol, without the drugs, without anything but me and my mind that I've come to appreciate so much.
And to those who can not relate to this, can not find the peace I've found in life through me and nothing more, I am sorry for. It is a different way of life that I could never live.
I admit now that I have had things happen in my past...things I would and will not talk about. I have made mistakes, I have cried to the point where I could no longer think, I have lost control on my feelings and let the little things in life simply bring me crashing down only to realize what a fool I can be. And I will be the first to say that lol I do wish I could have done more, but now I know that if I want to do more, it's me who must do it, not wait for it to come.
Today I heard something I will never forget: "Stay young, you'll live longer"
My last words to you are this: "Brush off the little things they'll only weigh you down, keep your mind set high, you're eyes wide open and don't forget to wink smile on"
x_Nightingal_x · Thu Jan 13, 2005 @ 04:07am · 2 Comments |
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When will the time come for us?
When will the time come for me?
Not the stop or halt of what we know so much as the time when we see
Not to rhyme but you must under stand that it's not that we die to lose living, it's the fact that we give in. We give into the facts of life, now what if you dine life the glory or those facts?
Understand that in doing so you'd have to forever live that way unless willing to turn around and face the pain of reality slapped upon you, but why not deni reality?? Believe that things are alright when they're not? who's to say that making your own reality is not reality within itself being that to you it's truth. I once her that hope is the denial of reality. Why? Why could it not be simply the fact that you chose to create your own reality out think the world in it's sad ways and finially be what so many people wish for. Happy.
Then again would it be true happiness? In your eyes it must be being that it's your reality, can you truly denie reality forever? that's why you could never look back. Then again I always said that the past is the only thing that's in the perfect position to bite you in the a**. So what? you watch your a**? I wish I knew what was right. That's the search of life though isn't it. We spend off of life trying to fit in, figure out what's accepted, right and wrong. Then again the whole point of being accepted is so you are liked, hopefully loved, then you marry have children.
So honestly wouldn't all this relate back to the naturistic ideals that I seem to find everywhere? What are these? simply the idea that our very existance is just and only there to reproduce and populate the world. Life is about sex. Sex and children, that's the explination for every move we make, every decision we decide, every place we look. So long ago I tried to leave this idea behind me, but it bites my a** everwhere I go.
What is it about this place that keeps me on my feet? If I know that why don't I just relax, chill, have a little fun while I'm still around to enjy it. Fun isn't a problem for me though, it's the fact that I can't believe people are who they say you are, there's very few people I trust in this life............actually there's only one. Only one person who's ever found me. Now you'll be wondering who and most likely ask but don't bother. I Will most likely not tell you, they know who they are though. Could you imagine though? Only one person knowing all of me? Damn lol how do they take it. So many sides, then again I don't even know if they know all my sides. There's so many as you can tell. My journal is just a taste, a simple lick, of what lies within.
I see a piece of my heart has landed on your face, lick it off, how does it taste? Everyone you meet takes a taste of your heart. They all some how effect who you are who you become. Even that glance on the street with a smile. They all become part of you, change you, you're always changing? How do you not see it? How do I not see it? should it be so simple to notice. No one's simple..........I am..........simplicity is so god damn complex though. I can be summed in 2 words..........do you know them??
I'm gonna be a real gone cat, then I wont want you. It's easy, why do you think it's so hard? It's not stop thinking it is. Life is honestly not that hard, it's all about denying reality, the one and only thing that holds you back. Being depressed, being sad, being in love, feelings, emotions, you cna control them with a wink of the eye if you simply understand you have to out think life. Life is against you, stop being the puppet take it by the ball and take control. It's so much easier then it sounds.
Day by day moment taking my chances, trustin my heart, it wasn't to smart was it? No way, it's up to me, I will survive I will endure.....when the going's ruff you can be sure I'll tough it out I wont give in, if I'm knocked down I'll get up again. It's that simple. Out live, out think, the only thing that can change you.................hold you down..............stop me............hold me.......love. I'm lost when it comes to love.....so weak when it comes to you, why?.......what is it? How did you do it?? Will it ever stop? I hope not yet I pray that it does.........I'm in your hand....I love it, I crave it, I love the feeling of just being lost in you, in us, giving in, giving all, losing and just letting go. The again I can't take it......not being able to control it, not knowing what will happen, being so easily hurt. A killing craving that only you can satisfy is also the thing that can so easily bring me down......sooo far down.
I love you....
none to be said
Dont give up, never give up, and we wont stop giving all we got. Others will never stop giving all they got if they need it. Some things in life you just can't say no to, somethings you can turn your head and walk away from but if you laugh, if you smile. People can't help it. They crave joy......all do, it's human nature. People who smile are naturally more attractive as studies show. Give them what they can't say no to.
Be real........stop playing, that's what I tell myself over and over again, but sometimes I just can't be real with people. They're people no one's real...........you're not are you. No no, you know it's true, you're you but you're not real. So many people have that mask, I wish to rip mine off, but I can't. I'm not scared, no no I'm more......protecting me. I don't want people to know that I'm not simply my face. If they do they'll begin to ask questions. I don't want questions I already have enough of my own........ to be continued
x_Nightingal_x · Wed Dec 29, 2004 @ 07:19am · 0 Comments |
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to much Going Crazy-episode 4 ~the finial battle |
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Kyle: *sitting alone in the basement staring off then looks at the screen computer*
S1: Why do I think so much? do most people think this much? Must be....
S2: I'm cold, and lonely I think I want to go home
S1: but you are home
S2: I don't feel like I'm home....I want to go away
S3: you freekin pansy stop being so god damn weak
S2: but I am weak, I've gotten over it.......... sad I want to go home
S1: there there it'll be ok ^ ^ all you need is a cookie
S2: no I don't want a cookie, then things will just get worse
S3: ya then you'll start worrying about weight and I SO don't want that b***h in here
S2:...................damn
S1: what?
S2: did you know that I'm one of the weirdest people I know
S1: >.> <.< shhh don't tell
Kyle: *giggles a bit to herself* >.< ******** I'm way to easily entertained. Bored though ^ ^ so lets keep going. *looks back to the floor*
S2: I want to know it's going to be alright....I want to know I'm ok, that things will be ok, that life isn't just a cereal that we eat in the morning and that things are worth it in the end.........I don't want a happy ending, I don't need a happy ending........I just want to.....to.....smile again
S1: there there Kyle........^ ^ by tomorrow you'll forget everything, so just go to bed, you're depressed anyway, which means you're sleepy, stop thinking and go to bed
S3: God you're selfish Kyle
S2: Y_Y I know
S1: xd stop it you're just making it worse
S3: well soooorry
S4: MENTAL NOTE!!: 6 tests tomorrow. Time report: 12:04
S2: ok I'll go to bed
S1: ^ ^ YAY SLEEP!
******** I want a snow day
S4: Correction now 12:05
Kyle: *looks to the computer sadly* I just want to wait, maybe I should leave.........I'll leave
S2:.........leave......go away from it all......god that sounds so nice
S3: OH FOR GOD SAKES GET OVER IT AND GO TO BED!!
Kyle: >.< ok ok *goes to bed*
x_Nightingal_x · Wed Dec 22, 2004 @ 05:07am · 0 Comments |
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to much Going crazy- episode 3 |
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Kyle: CJ, hey DND's here tonight??
CJ: What do you think??
Kyle:
S1: Is that a trick question?
S2: I don't know. How the hell should I know i don't know what he's thinking.
S1: so just out think him ^ ^ no problem
S2: fine, you do it then
S1:..................................what was the question again?
S2: xd ******** I forgot.
S1: well you're no help
S2: s**t I think he's staring at us.
S1: What should I say?
S2:ummmmmm we could ask him what he wants, no that would be to obvious, say nothing........maybe he'll go away.
S1: he's not leaving..........I think he's glaring
S2: ok we've gotten out of worse.....think think think ********!
S1: just say yes, stop thinking obviously you're getting no where fast
S2: stare
Kyle: sweatdrop yes??
CJ: good job *walks away*
x_Nightingal_x · Wed Dec 22, 2004 @ 04:48am · 0 Comments |
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to much Going Crazy-episode 2 |
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Kyle: *shivers trying to warm up her hands from the cold*
S1 (Side one):damn it's cold here. Lets move ^ ^.
S2 (Side Two): You like the cold, besides where would you go.
S1: Soooome where warm......very warm.
S2: like how warm?
S1: stare Is that a trick question.
S2: Kyle you don't like it hot, remember?
S1: crying But I don't like the cold either
S2: we went through this last winter, you like the cold better. Think about it.
S3: Ok, cold you can always bundle up more, you cuddle, it's not hot, you get fires, hot coco, and x-mas..........no popsicles.......but presents. Conclusion: wink winter kicks my a**
S1:........................I still want to move
S2: xp loser.
S1: sad No I'm not
S2: fine then, but you're still weird.
S1: sweatdrop this is true, we're still moving though
S2: TO WHERE?!?
S1: some where, some where warm........Clifornia.......wait....no...how do you spell Cliforinia?? sweatdrop
S2: stare it's C-A-L-I-F-O-R-I-N-A you idiot
Kyle:......... eek ....I can spell?? *looks it up*....... eek !!...
x_Nightingal_x · Wed Dec 22, 2004 @ 04:40am · 0 Comments |
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To much Going Crazy- episode 1 |
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Kyle:*searching for a munchie*
oook Kyle what do you want
Happy Kyle: A cookie! ^ ^
Healthy Kyle: Nooooo you want apple sauce.
Happy Kyle: No, that not true I want a Cookie.
Healthy Kyle: No you don't stare you want apple sauce.
Happy Kyle: crying noo I want a cookie
Healthy Kyle: Apple sauce.
Happy Kyle: cookie!!
Healthy Kyle: NO YOU WANT APPLe SAUCE GOD DAMN IT!
Happy Kyle: ******** YOU!!!!
Healthy Kyle: stare b***h
Happy Kyle: ^___^ weakling!
Kyle: *walks away happily eating a cookie*
x_Nightingal_x · Wed Dec 22, 2004 @ 04:22am · 0 Comments |
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