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...You know those people who often call themselves motivational speakers? Theyve experienced some type of tragedy in their lives that has enlightened them with some little piece of forsaken wisdom that they feel entitled to share. They always form some sort of crucial viewpoint on life that is somehow vital for the young pliable minds of teenagers to absorb. But why does it take a near death experience or shock into reality to respect and acknowledge the world around us? What if everyone knew this knowledge? What if we saw everything that way instinctually? Was that how humans originally saw reality and has society bent and twisted us to a new state of hypocricy and chaos? Maybe each of these experiences are just puzzle pieces that fit together to form nirvana; all knowing. The heat is either disturbing my thought process or clarifying it.

...You know how some people are color blind but they dont know it because theyve never seen those colors before. Well ponder this: you can never know if someone else sees the same color red. To them red may be orange or blue or purple. Everyone could be seeing completely different colors and have no idea. Maybe some people see more colors than other people. You would have to see into their minds to know, then again maybe seeing through their eyes wouldnt be any different.

probably wouldnt mind so much if I was the frog who slowly cooked alive while the water heated, having some time to get used to it and it wouldnt hurt too much. But instead of that Im being thrown into boiling water but I cant jump out. Im living at my mothers ex husbands house for a week without any home to settle into or any way to unpack. Akward as that is I also wont be able to move into my barbie sized condo until the day before college orientation. Sharing my home for the next three years with my sister and her boyfriend may be tough but doing it without any friends will be harder. I guess this is when life starts happening and s**t goes down. Its my first day, wish me luck??

As a lover, a girlfriend, a partner, I will give you myself. Maybe this is careless, maybe this is foolish, but I will. In return for your loyalty and love, I will give you everything I have. I put my heart on the chopping block. I take "It is better to have loved and lost then to not have loved at all" to the fullest. BEWARE: I am very easy to take advantage of. Not because I am weak. Unconfident. Oblivious. But because I live my life with my heart.

As a friend, counselor, comforter, I will tell you the truth. I am ALWAYS there for ANYONE. I tend to be a good person to confide in by default. I know my shoulders are bony and tall, but they are waterproof so tears won't hurt. Even those, who disappear, who drift away, are welcome to come back. Is my forgiveness a sin? Lenience is often confused with forgiveness. I will hold you to your vows of friendship, but if you are sincere, well then, everyone messes up.


My history is my own. I express myself through art. I had a heart that was healthy, strong, full of maraschino cherry red blood. I was a virgin in every way. Body. Soul. Mind. I gave myself, ripe, to someone. They slowly. Tore it apart. At first it was just squeezed. A skip a beat here and a race there. Then my arteries started clogging with lies. My muscles weakened. The blood ran black. I was discarded. Used. They say everyone has one of "These." A first. I was left wide open. Exposed.



Healing is a process. It took friends. Real friends. To begin it. Having loved and lost. Not only my friends but myself. Then he was there. Someone Real. Someone to fix me. Both having had our hearts ravaged, we jump at the opportunity to connect. Love blossomed. It was amazing. All of it. We fixed each other. 



Who am I now? I am a giver. I live. I live in the depths of expression. That is my most powerful and coveted word. Express. Passion. Music, Art, Photography, they all do it for me. I am able to show what is really there. I will always be someone who cannot help knowing more than is healthy at my age level. I don't mean to sound smug. Stuck up. I merely think on a higher plane than MOST I encounter. There are those who get it. Those who had it and lost it. And those who are getting there.



My demons: That which poisons, haunts, pulls. I have them. We all do. My demons are diminishing. I am confident. I am me. I do not accept bullshit as a replacement or a positive morality. I am not trying to ride up on a great white stallion. I need you. I need all of you. Love is the fuel for my fire. So please...

Float my boat.