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well sorry if i havent been upadating...but things happen and its hard to do it.... ok.. my first day of school sucks... a**.. i dont have any class with my friends.. we have freaking dress code thanks to ******** freshman.... also we cant leave campus.. so ******** stupid.. caus ei dont eat school foods. cause its nasty. i usually go with my friends.. drive to a fast food.. aka..sushi bar... to eat... better foods... also its seems that today im losing control of myself again.. today during youth night.. when the pastor was lecturing i started rubing the eraser on my arm.... i havent notice that that it hurt until the lecture was over.... also its seems that in any way .. i cant help my little brother... i feel so useless.. just like my mother n father tell me.. im uselss.. n a disapointment.. -sigh- ohh well... i gues i have to move on.. n forget about it.. maybe it wil go away wif i dont think about it.. but my brother is really in hell right now.. n his the most important person right now.. i would give anything juust to see him happy.. thats after all im the older sibling. i wish i could grant him any wish.... but im not a ******** gennie.. i dont have powers to do those things.. all i can do is tell him its going to be alright,... encourage him.. be there for him..but lately it seems that those things are not enough...... i cant understand.. i think i might be falling back where i used to be.. alone in the dark.. abadone. usless.. a disapointment... its hard to say this but.. i think... i have stopeating again... i dunno why.. or how.. its jsut i dont feeel the hugner anymore.. i dont even care.. .but i will do things to be there for nmy borhter.. and not let him down.. her went thriough so much.. i cant let him down.. he needs me.. thats why in 2 years im getting him out there.. and hvae him move in with me... i cant imagine.. his life in that place... he needs a break where no peple will jusdge him... beat him. discourage him.. i want him in a place where people can accept who he is.