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For those of you who read my last entry, I beg you - ignore the third paragraph because it's only half-true. The true part of the thing was that yes, I did close the roleplay, deleted them from my friendlist (as I usually do when people stop talking to me). And I apologise if the person in question right now is reading this - I really am. I was wrong. Ayu did came back as she had promised five/six months ago. I should not have lost confidence in her because a promise is a promise. and I usually believe promises. I suppose I was just fed-up two weeks ago when I closed that roleplay.. and tired of waiting. But I shouldn't be. I really shouldn't have been tired of it all. My word to everyone here is that when someone changes your life, no matter how distant they are to you now, it won't be easy to forget them - and really, I don't think anyone would want to forget. Like me and the Knights - that group changed my life and stirred me to Gaia, made me who I am and, in some ways.. it made me grow up even though it wasn't time for me to grow up just yet. I shall tell the story one day. I promise. But this isn't what I wanted to talk about;
After dealing with the Knights, really, the only normal thing I would know is that I wouldn't be able to forget about that RP and Ayu even if I wanted to. It just won't happen, considering that that particular roleplay did change my life in the better part. And for that, I was wrong with my last entry - "slowly forgetting them" isn't what I should have said. The word I'm looking for is "slowly moving on". But fortunately, as of now, I won't be able to move on - not just yet. Because as she promised, Ayu did came back. v.v
I happened around three days ago. Early morning, around 1:12 AM. I was alone (by saying alone, I mean alone online) and I just came up from having a random dinner downstairs. Cooked some noodles while dad hovered around looking for food - made me wonder why he declined when I kept on offering to cook for him.. but that's my dad. Anyway, I skipped upstairs (yes, skipped - don't ask. xD I was hyper) and jumped on my bed - my sisters were asleep. Random clicks here and there, browsing around Gaia, waiting for a few RP friends to come online.. or Yonder. Anyway, I went on an affiliate hunt earlier on, so I was waiting for seven-or-so replies to my PMs. So when that inbox icon lighted up, I thought it would be one of the graphic designers sending me their banner. I was wrong.
I had cleared my inbox away earlier and the one and only PM there was one sent by "Ayu Min". Now, usually, if I'm close to someone, I'd cry out in surprise and happiness when they come online. I would, literally. Either a squeak or a scream, depends on my mood and who they are. Usually, for Ayu, I'd scream. xD Strangely though, seeing her name there.. my reaction was pretty quiet. It was a gasp. A LOUD gasp, followed by me shrinking back, hand on my chest, staring wide-eyed, wondering if I was dreaming. But I knew it wasn't. I ate earlier and I could still taste the food in my mouth, so it couldn't be a dream - I did pinch myself though. Didn't even waste a millisecond and I clicked on the PM, read through amy jaw dropped. Literally. >>; I was that shocked. By then I was trembling slightly (all literally here, no lies) and when I sent a reply PM, I had to lie down, hugging my rabbit plushie (lucky for me, the laptop was on my bed anyway). I couldn't believe it at all.
Angel came online and I was too shocked to let out a little squeal. She asked me what's up and I told her I was trembling. Really, that made her worry and I can't blame her, to be frank. If my best friend went to me and said "Oh, God, Angel... I think someone just punched my lungs. I'm shaking uncontrollably ><", I know I'd freak out. xD But well, after the initial shock was gone, I was fine - for the night. Calmed down, had a chat with Ayu through PMs and I logged off to sleep. The next day was a different story. O_o
I felt guilty. >> Guilt and regret weighed me down terribly and if Stinger and Yonder wasn't there to comfort me, who knows what I would be feeling right now? For some reason, I took their absences quite personally as if I was the one who caused it and really, the guilt was worse. ._. Guilty that I lost hope, regretted closing the roleplay, wondering if it'll ever be the same - I was really, really lost that day. Really lost. The night before was joyful, but the next day, it came crashing down on an entirely new light. But Stinger brought up good points and Yonder's always there to comfort me - I realised that I might just be thinking too much. They both advised me to try and find out what really happened so I can feel calmer.. but I'm not sure if I have enough courage to ask Ayu about it. I hope I know one day though.
And then, there's yesterday. Had an AWFUL day at work (I'll write another entry + log of my rant to Yonder) but after that, it was brilliant. Redid the roleplay with Ayu and all that stuff, but when I actually posted and read her reply, I did give a really big sigh. It felt great. Like when you were suffocating and could finally breathe again. It felt like that. I couldn't believe it - I miss roleplaying with her more than words can say. It's weird - I never thought I'm capable of missing someone like that so much, but I love it. I really do.
Hopefully, this time, the roleplay will finish. And, hopefully, we won't need to face something like this again. I really don't want to think that it could happen - I'm just happy with how things are at the moment.
Rino-chan
 Rino-chan · Wed Aug 29, 2007 @ 01:57pm · 0 Comments |
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