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A/N: This is written for those out there who never know what it feels like to lose a dear friend. Also, this is dedicated for my best friend, DA (initials, for privacy’s sake), and I hope that if you read this, you’ll find the message that I wish to give, and that it will be helpful. Inspiration for this also comes from the song ‘Crush’ by David Archuleta, but this is a friendship piece, not a romance. Enjoy.
“I hung up the phone tonight,
Something happened for the first time,
Deep inside it was a rush, what a rush
“ ‘Cause the possibility,
That you would ever feel the same way,
About me, just too much, just too much
“See it’s a chance we’ve gotta take,
‘Cause I believe we can make this into,
Something that will last, last forever, forever!”
- “Crush” by David Archuleta
“I really, really miss you.”
All my life, I’ve been saying goodbye to my friends, so many times, that I thought I’m now immune to those words. I thought that I’m good at saying goodbye now. But I am wrong. No matter how much you think you’ve dealt with something, it always comes back and haunts your mind. Always.
When you have a friend, you can never replace them.
My life is a rather unique one. I remember, only last night, that an online friend of mine said to me; that out of all the friends she had, mine would be the most eventful, drama-packed of them all. I guess I can’t blame her.
My family moves around a lot. Throughout the history of my sixteen-year-old life, I have moved to three different countries, and to at least five different schools that I can think of. I do not have the pleasure of being in a place for long, for life, with friends that I knew since I was a child. No, if there’s anyone who offers me that pleasure, it will be my cousins and siblings, but they’re different from a friend. And so, I have always faced needing to say goodbye, and tears have fallen from my eyes with nearly each one of them.
Sometimes, without realising, you end up looking for a friend that you’ve been waiting for. No, not your love, but a friend. Someone you can confide in honestly and truthfully, and someone you don’t need to fear of offending. You can tell a friend anything, even the complaints you have about your current love or crush. There are no walls, no secrets, just honesty.
I found that person. And I’ve said goodbye to that person when, once again, I had to move countries because of my father. And, heck knows… I miss him.
Let me tell you something – most of the time, you will never know what you’re going to lose, and when you’re going to lose it. With my best friend, I had the advantage of knowing. Of course I knew – I’ve been waiting to move countries. So we knew the time limit we had with each other (a full year, in this case), and we worked to get the most out of it. And though saying goodbye is satisfying because I have gotten the most out of my friendship with him, it’s not enough – it’s never enough. “Most” never covers everything I want.
Unless you realise just how much you love your friend, the same thing will be for you.
You will end up missing your friends, even if you’ve fought and never spoke to each other since. You will miss them, I can nearly promise you that.
So make the most of what you have. Each time you’re with that friend, make sure it’s the best moment, ever. Because you will miss their little quirks. The games you play with them daily. Their favourite phrases and gestures. The way they greet you every day, by giving a nod and a smile, and the look of delight on their faces when they see you unexpectedly. The harsh times you went through together, and pulled through. Even the fights you had, and managed to come over. You will miss each second of that. But you never know when it’ll all be taken away from you.
Of course, I knew I was going to lose my friend soon, but things are never definite. There’s no saying that an accident will happen tomorrow, or in five minutes, and that person will be taken away forever. Are you ready for that to happen? Does your friend know how much they mean to you, so that you won’t ever look back and say “I wish I’d told him…”? If you’re not prepared, then start being prepared. Not because you’re a pessimist who thinks they’ll lose someone immediately. Definitely not. But because you’re a friend, and you love the other, so much, that should the event occur, there are no regrets.
I knew how much my friend meant to me before I lost him. The same goes with him. We got the most out of our friendship, and then I left him, with tears streaking down my face, sobs wracking my body. We both miss each other. We told each other so. But there are no other things to say. We’ve done it all. Every second, every word, it means a lot.
I’m not saying that when you’ve done everything, saying goodbye will be easier. It’s not. It can be harder, because you’re not willing to let them go – never would if you have the choice.
But life isn’t about regrets. Regrets should never happen. Even if you’ve done the mistake of your life, know that you’ve learned something from it, and move on. Do that with your friendships. Do everything, say everything, and never regret it. If you end up fighting with your friend, know that you’ve had a brilliant friendship beforehand, with the fullest honesty you could give, and that if that friendship is worth saving, that friend will come back to you.
Don’t lose someone before the time comes, trust me. The real pain is when you can’t do anything else about it. While you still can, just do it, and you will never come to regret it.
I miss my friend so much. Contacting each other online just doesn’t cut it. I miss gazing into his eyes to read his thoughts, calm his problems, and see the laughter of a happy friendship. I miss the way we could just slip to a quiet corner and confess our problems, no walls between us. I miss our jokes, our games, everything you do when you’re in person with that one friend. The things that are taken away from me.
When he said he missed me, there’s nothing more I could do other than curl up and cry. What else could I say that he didn’t already know? What else could we do that we haven’t done before?
That, to me, is much more preferable than if he said he missed me, and I replied by saying “Oh, I wish we could have done this together before I left…”
No. When you’ve gone through everything and made the most out of your friendship, that friend needs no more words of consolation. Because deep inside, you both already know each other, inside outside and backwards. No words are needed to know what the other is feeling.
Coming from someone who just lost her best friend, who offered her the best friendship in her life, I’m saying this because I wish that if you had to say goodbye, it will be like me. One without regrets, equally as painful, but more durable. Because, as the saying goes, “Never refuse any advance of friendship, for if nine out of ten bring you nothing, one alone may repay you.”
Go and tell your friend what they mean to you. If they ask, “What brought all this of a sudden?”, go ahead and blame me and this piece. Show it to them, if you really want an excuse. Being embarrassed for a short while is worth letting them know before they’re taken away.
Just this once, trust me.
 Rino-chan · Thu Dec 11, 2008 @ 04:54am · 0 Comments |
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