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Falling in Love...
For once, while everything is going wrong around me, there is at least one thing going right.
I am totally falling head over heels in love with my boyfriend, and I really think he is also with me.
I can't be sure, obviously, but I think he really does love me. I just don't want "I love you" to become one of those phrases we just throw around. I really debated over when and where and if to tell him as I was discovering my feelings for myself.
One afternoon, when we were napping together I whispered to him, "I think I'm falling in love with you". I really thought he was asleep. He whispered, "What?" after I said it and I just buried myself into his arm. Better to let him think that I was asleep than that I was saying something I wasn't sure he was ready to hear. But he just moved slightly and looked at me and said, "I think I am too."
He asked me a little later if I really meant it...and I said of course I did.
The "l" word was still really awkward between us.
Later that week he was reading over my shoulder as I was conversing with my friend in Spanish and he asked what we were talking about. I had been telling her what I had said to him and told her that I was worried, because I would rather have him wait to say it when he means it. He told me that he really did mean it, not that he was just saying it. And he said he knew that the words didn't necessarily mean that much, but that he would show me through action.
And he has. He's been there for me whenever I need him. I just worry because there's a part of me that still believes that no man will ever just love me, but just wants me for something. It is just so inconceivable to me that a guy would actually want to do things for me and help me and care about me...that part of me believes that he must be lying to me. And I don't want this to ever come between us. We have talked about this, but I don't ever want to be too clingy and drive him away. I just am going through a really tough time and I blow things way outta proportion a lot of the time. Let's face it. I would do anything for him and I would do anything to make sure that he and I stay together.
There's still the issue to me of how we keep planning things for our future, when I keep sitting there realizing that he doesn't ever want to get married, so I'm not certain how far this future is going to go. I can't even believe that I have found such a perfect and wonderful guy. My general plan is to just let things keep going as they are right now...and just let things progress. Because God only knows what the future holds, so I should stop stressing about it.
After our fight we spent a lot of time talking...and the thing that I thought was so sweet was how he kept stumbling as he tried to appologize. And in all honesty, I wasn't all that perturbed with him. I was upset that we were leaving and that things were going to change for us come summer. I was stressing for my finals and for my grades. I was worrying about my jobs and my family. And I was upset that he would forget that we had a date, though I understood it. But he was so sweet. I felt bad, because I couldn't articulate anything. After he said things, I just wanted him to hold me in his arms and let me forget what had happened. I needed to forget the world and its demands...so I kept kissing him. And I don't think he was annoyed, but I couldn't say anything and I didn't want him to either. I couldn't think of a way to put that and I'd like to have him understand all of that.
On our last night before we headed out, we went back to the place we had our first kiss, and it was there that I decided I would finally tell him I loved him. The whole thing is, I am discovering that I really love him, with my whole entire being. As I've said, I'd do anything for him. I want to be careful though, because I don't want to hurt him. And I found with my ex it was just something we said...it didn't mean anything. I want to make sure it always means something when we say it. Not that it is just words or something. Or expected. I want it to really be me telling him how much I care about him when I say it.
My main issue right now is that he is planning on joining Gaia so we can have some fun here over the summer...but I don't know if I want him reading all this. Should I just not worry about it? Or should I just let him read my personal thoughts??
I could use some advice on this subject.
If this story has intrigued you, you enjoy my writing style, or are perhaps just curious, I really would appreciate if you'd go back and read through some of my back posts and leave comments. I give out random rewards to posters in my journal who make intelligent and helpful posts. Items and gold will be sent out randomly, so the more you post in my journal, the better your chances of getting a little thank you from me. It changes all the time.
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