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my first insticts were as always best...i knew i shoulda picked that book of poetry for broken hearts at the library today but i ignored the urge and here i am, broken hearted again as i have been and knew i would be. i know its best for him in his mind because the less official attatchment he has to me the less sadness he has to feel and the less guilt and less of the waiting for the fairytale princess he imagines me to be when its so close but the geopgraphy just cant be breached. he says he still cares all he ever did and all the promises hes made and all the wishes we've shared are still constant and wanted and needed but the distance is killing him. but the distance is killing me too. he knows ive missed him just as much but this is so much worse. at least then i knew i was the only. i knew he was willing to hold on, to wait for me. to keep things up while it was inconvenient. but its for his convenience now and im trying so hard to give it to him its tearing me apart. lately ive found the most solace just being lightly held by a friend i hardly know at all, and that alone gives me means to question. he says he wants to be there to help but hes never there when i need him the most he seems rushed busy inattentive he says its just so he doesnt feel bad but maybe in a way i do want him to. im breaking down every goddamned day and at school for that matter with nobody who seems to notice or care and just the shallowest of fakes is enough to satisfy him. and he worries about convenience. he says hes willing for so much and he wants this to last but sometimes i wonder if he does. if he means what he says. some days it feels like hes reading it right off a page. emotionless. hes just so monotone. we dont talk enough. he says he doesnt like it but he forgets to call back and other things just come up. his phone is off when i call or he has to go. sometimes i wonder if he isnt just trying to avoid me... and then theres the other one. so much temptation and i have to try to resist. to hold on. and for someone who technically isnt even there. who im not with. convenient for him perhaps but not for my heart. im in pieces and im so confused. i dont have a clue what to do. sometimes i wonder what he sees but as often now i wonder if he sees anything. he seems so hesitant to even let it on after a year of what i thought was nearly pure bliss even if we were almost always missing one another. i gave him my love, my body, my heart, my soul. everything. he means more to me than life. but here i am with nothing to say for it but a fragile bond that truly exists perhaps only in my mind and i wonder if im not just lying to myself. and with so much devotion elsewhere. the other gave up his year and a half girlfriend, his security, for what anyone would see as a zero chance. and i wonder why doesnt the other seem so willing? so commmited? maybe im boring even in all the spontanuity. he mentioned it once. with anna. she was so new so refreshing so interesting. i was just me. he talked like the other did before he gave up on the year and a half, the one that dissatisfied him. and true, while anna was given up accordingly when he saw the distress, it was a week of constant depression, of crying on the phone unnoticed, of faking before he did notice anything. and here i am again. the only reason anyone knows or asks is that my fine just cant be made sincere enough in my state. ive been sobbing all day and talking to myself all the time and singing sad songs under my breath. i dont know what to do. ive been down for a week and a half straight. today we talked and it was told to me half way unless you end it yourself. and i told him it would be over by the end of the week he could expect but i didnt have the guts to do it now. the only thing that made him even consider a second thought was that threat. and all he could give was a wait til thursday. til the unsure chance of a meeting. so we could hold one another, share a last kiss before it was over. that was his wish. all he could give. and i wonder, is this the end? the one i imagined being with forever, the one i really believe to be my soul mate, the one who completes me, the one i gave everything i had to, the one i trusted. is it over now? is this really it? so much for so little. i guess i was right. fairytales dont come true. not for me. if anyone who cares reads it, no im not gunna kill myself, now anyway, even though im thinking about it and i have been a lot lately. just going to think. sleep maybe, something ive been doing to much of. too much sleep and not enough to eat. or when im most exhausted finding myself unable to sleep. oh well. ill live i think. time to face reality or withdrawl into my head. maybe a little bit of both. i could learn to be lonely again, if i had to. i think i want to though certain people protest this idea. ill hold out for you, dont worry...im not gunna leave...while i might cause myself endless pain agonizing over all the things that ive done with him and dreaming dreams haunted by the words he used to say i wont hurt you. not after all you've put up with from me, which i do thank you for. i guess this is the end for now...i have nothing else to say...time to cry and cry and cry and cry and cry... </3 crying
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