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So, what is it with people that they always want what they can't have? We all do, just admit it. That piece of chocolate cake on the table just looks way better when someone tells you it's not for you, and in Eden, the forbidden fruit had a desirable quality so good that Eve simply couldn't resist temptation.

We take what we have for granted while we gaze longingly at what we don't. The businessman to the promotion rather than to his wife and kids, the young boy to the new packet of Yugioh cards instead of the zillion sitting in his room gathering dust.

So I ask you, what is wrong with us? Is what we have really that bad? Is life simply just a game to see who can get the most poker chips? I mean, do we deliberately try to make ourselves miserable by letting everything get the best of us instead of just smiling and being glad that we have what we have?

It's tiresome that I struggle with this every day. I try to hide it, but like every other living creature on this decaying planet, I'm a jealous, envious being who wants more than they should.

Life is life and we're not all going to end up with the fancy car and a first class ticket to fame. Well, do we all think we deserve it? Don't we all have that smidgen of thought that says "I think I deserve this" when maybe we just don't?

Humans are interesting, we all have outdated wheels and wiring, we're imperfect and flawed. I happen to like this trait, but I hate when people take no notice to it. Shouldn't we keep our unique qualities in check? Our feelings, our desires.

I'll admit that occasionally I promise myself things even if I don't realize it, things that will happen, reactions I'll receive along with replies, but I don't get them. I had no right to tell myself what would happen, I have no right to get upset and throw a tantrum if they don't happen the way I'd like them to.

We all want that friend that can be our knight in shining armor and even when we're upset, many people who hide it actually want someone to pester them until they have to say what's wrong. Why are we so picky though? It's okay if one friend does this, but not if another does, kinda like "No, I just don't wanna talk to you, bish >.>". Does this mean that everyone should play a guessing game and just persistently go on and on until the right person(s) does and then we cave?

And sometimes we drop hints, small hints to get our point across instead of facing matter directly. We feed off our cowardice and expect others to know how we feel. We word them intricately in a little almost manipulative way hoping that the other will interpret the secret, hidden message. Well, if someone doesn't know that more is there, maybe they won't search, because if we all looked that much into everything, things would be even more complex and confusing.

So it's become a game. When is someone really upset and when is it just a small moment? When is someone dodging a problem by making another problem seem like the real one when there's a bigger picture? How are we to react, when are we to listen and when are we to overlook?

I'm so confused with myself lately and maybe it's because secretly I know the things I want. I know that I deserve nothing, when it comes to the land, the soil, the trees and the very air I breathe, I don't even deserve that. I know that I'm just a simple vessel with a simple soul and I probably wish I was complex, and yet, I still want. I won't always admit what I want, but in fact, I do want.

I want what everyone else wants, but I'm afraid to admit any of it. So here I am, saying that I am just like everyone else. I want someone to talk to and I want someone to save me when I'm down at the same time, I want to fight them half way until they break me and force me to just cave into telling them what's wrong. I want them to understand and comfort without criticizing me too much (unlike my mother who has actually told me she feels no pity of sympathy, which I don't want from her anyway.). I want to feel wanted for once in my life and I want someone to talk to, someone who can make me feel at home. I want that best friend who doesn't care if I do something stupid or make a bad joke. Instead of ignoring me when it's convenient or changing the subject, I want someone to just make me smile. At this moment in time, nothing feels permanent. My family, my friends, my willpower, it all seems like it's on a fragile string threatening to break and plummet into a dark sea at any moment.

Maybe it's something I already have and I don't realize, maybe like all else I'm taking everything for granted. But, I want someone to let me know that they need me and that they'll be there because I need them. Someone who makes me feel like they're permanently there in some shape or form no matter what and I'm stuck with them.

I think I want it so bad, that it's past want almost. I think I NEED a best friend.

I have plenty of friends, but most don't know why I'm upset when I am and I almost never get phone calls. I feel like they're always on the verge of being upset with me and I need someone who I feel good around.

Oh well, there are specific things I want too, but I'm afraid that if I say them, by chance someone reading this journal might learn to know them, and I only admit those things in time to the people I want to know them the most when I feel comfortable or I brave up to it.

I HATE it when people see my problems as meager things because when I tell them to people, it's most likely something that's been on my mind for a while and that means I've been thinking about it a lot and trying to brave up to say something. If I get upset, then it's something that has really been on my mind most likely.

But, I guess in the end, I simply can't deserve it because I don't work for these things. I can't expect them to come to me out of no where, but how am I supposed to start making them happen?

Oh gawsh, this isn't simple at all anymore, so I'm going to cut my journal short here.

Love you all <3

~Alex