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So I can't decide whether or not I like Seesaw days. Seesaw days are the ones where a mixture of really, really good things happen and really, really bad things happen. Today was one of those days.
So I got my kitten, that's the good thing. He's insanely adorable and even though I was planning on calling him Mozey, I keep calling him Jasper, and it's sticking.
I gave him a bath and found out that he cries if you leave the room, it's too cute.
Well, I was also supposed to meet Cody and Niel at the mall today, my stepdad dropped me off 30 minutes early and I got to buy Stephenie Meyer's new book, 'The Host'.
Well, those who know me well, know that I'm deathly afraid of abandonment and being alone. More than anything else, I fear not having anyone, and just being in a house by myself for too long freaks me out. Obviously, being in public by myself always feels weird. Getting to the mall early, I ended up going to the bookstore, and I kinda wished I would run into someone I knew, but of course, I didn't. So I just read my book for a while, and it's pretty good. A psychological Thriller written by my favorite author, I like it.
Well, at 3:40 I decided to call Cody and ask him where he and Niel were, but he didn't answer his phone (I'm guessing it's lost again) and then I called Niel, only to find out, Cody left a message at my house, after I had already left, and then dropped th subject. He had tro babysit or something. So, I was freaked, I really don't like being alone in the mall of all places and I had no ride home, so I had to call my stepdad and ask him for a ride.
Before my Dad got there, I ran into Michael and Nick who found me crying and they started asking what was wrong, Michael had started hugging me and literally wouldn't let me go until I told him the problem. So I hung out with them for the 45 minutes it took my stepdad to get there, and they made me laugh. I told them about my new book and they asked about her other books, so they just let me ramble about them and they laughed a lot. It goes to show that anyone can like Twilight >.>
But, I'm still a bit shaken up. I mean, I felt like curling up in corner while I was there, I didn't know where to go or what to do while I was waiting and I still have that fear of adult men. I don't know why, but I've been freaked out since I was younger. I have no fatherly influence in my life and there aren't any adult males that I talk to. I've had friends who have been almost kidnapped and such, not to mention some of the weird people who have started talking to me (I still remember the time those middle aged men started calling me and my cousin's girlfriend sexy, saying they'd swing by later). I even have a hard time talking to family members and friend's fathers.
But, I got home and played with my kitty. He's amazing, poor thing came from a train wreck of a home though.
But, now I want to feel bad about the way I got mad at Cody and stay mad too, But at the same time, I just want to have him hug me and make me feel like I want to forgive him. I mean, I feel like I'm on a wild goose chase, some days I feel wonderful, but then something happens and I'm upset again. I feel like I can't trust him half of the time now because he only seems to come through half of the time. I love him, I wouldn't stay through all the bad for any other guy. But, it's getting to the point where I really don't know what to do.
I want to yell at him and tell him that he should know that he has to make sure he gets ahold of me instead of leaving a message, and part of me wants him to read this journal entry, but I know he won't. If he does it will be long after it's posted.
But, like I said, it's a seesaw of a day. Good things and bad things, it seems like they would weigh eachother out, but all it does is add on to the confusion of my life, but the good is almost a cushion, that's a plus...maybe....I don't know. I'm tired though,I need more sleep.
Love, Alex~
 Shinku Takai · Mon Jun 02, 2008 @ 12:20am · 0 Comments |
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