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Well it is officially March 18,2009 the date ive been dreading for another year, and once its over i will dread it again until March 18,2010.

It is a day that in 2005 January i had planned to throw a party on this very day for 18 parties i had plans.

the first one was ruined and that was the only one i got.

Mitchell is now 4 years old and he has'nt a clue who i am, or that im
anything more than a family friend named Bobbie that he ran into at christmas time. there are two people who pretend to be such great people with genuine concern and that they are good christians. these two people is why i will never again be able to hold my first child as his mother...and the reason that the last time i seen him was in feb 2007. they go on pretending that one of them is his birthmother when in fact she is not.
She does'nt know what it was like almost dieing during pregnancy and labor for this child. She would only know the pain i feel if some girl was to come along and take away her precious Noah! However as much as i genuinly hate her i still do not wish her this kind of pain. It is something I fear will never leave me, and it has left me changed and filled with bitterness. Something i never even knew how to feel until March 20,2006. crying
A part of me has been murdered and it died a slow and agonizing death, the part that was left when that part died turned into something i cant stand, she looks back at me in my own reflection but she is a raving lunatic!!!lol(she honestly scares the hell out of me)!lol

I can honestly say out of all of the horrible things ive had to endure nothing is as painful as having to pretend that i am grandmas "friend" Bobbie and having my son hug me not even knowing who i was.
I dont allow this pain to be seen because i want it to dissapear.
i cant just vent it out and it be gone because it is too thick of a scar.....too deep of a wound.....to painful of a memory.
I feel sad for Mitchell... his father and step-mom treat thier son far better than mine...his family admits it and ive seen it as well. he only lives with them one -two days a week. So not only did they do everything in thier power to get and keep my son from me.... they throw him away to be raised by family, and burned all of my photos so that he will never know.
these two have gone around our small town pretending that they want me to see him when in reality his family has told me that he said if any of them talked to me then he would never forgive them.
the last time i saw mitchell was late febuary 2007.
the last time mitchell called me mommy without my first name atatched was the last time i saw him... the last time i talked to him on the phone whith him having any idea of who i am was March 17,2007. I talked with him after that but then was cut-off from him by his father.
And the last time i saw him was 1 week before christmas 2008, at wal-mart.

I f i die before my time i hope that somebody will make sure that he knows who i was and that I love him so much.
(god how rediculous i cant stop crying)

On a good note I have an amazing 7 month old boy...he is my entire world. I almost lost him because of an idiot dr. who almost let him bleed to death. I can honestly say..that would have turned me into something .........not human.. My son is my life, he is so smart and sweet and he is absolutely adorable! he just got his first tooth!yayyyyyyy.
anyways, i needed to write this and mark it down before my thoughts became so sorted that i became trapped in my own head filled with nightmares.

Good night crying crying crying crying crying

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