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Jerami destroyed my heart
I can’t believe this. I don’t know how this could have happened, but Jerami broke up with me. I hate myself. It has to be my fault. Now I’m alone again. The scariest part is that I still love him so much. This is not what it was like with Joe or Lance. This is true, and it is killing me. Jerami said he would still be here for me, but it won’t be the same. He says that he is too unstable and too depressed and that he doesn’t deserve me. He says that he still loves me. How can I believe him when he broke up with me? He gave up. His depression won. I tried to make him happy, but I guess I’m just not good enough. I knew I was losing him. I’ve known since he got mad at me a few weeks ago. That may sound stupid, but it wasn’t just a normal ‘mad’. He was furious and he never gets that way. I still love him so much. I cried more yesterday than I did when my dad died. Isn’t that terrible? I’m just a monster and I guess it just took a while for Jerami to see it. He told me to find someone stronger, but I don’t want anyone else. When he was breaking up with me, I had the worst panic attack ever. I even stopped breathing. It was scary. I told my sister about it and she said that I was just “obsessed’. Can you believe that? I can’t. I miss him. So much. I’m crying now… Again. I wish he would change his mind about all this. I know that may sound selfish, but I’m not trying to be. I’m scared for him. He is trying to do this on his own. He won’t be able to do it. I know him. Well, I thought I did. Yesterday he told me that I didn’t know him. I told him that I knew the person that he convinced me he was. I called him yesterday too. We were talking because I didn’t want to be dumped by a text message again. It is too cowardly. So he broke up with me on the phone. I was still having a panic attack. I hope he didn’t hear my breathing. I was breathing so fast. It scared me. He said that he didn’t want to hurt me. I was like, seriously? You don’t want to hurt me, yet you will break up with me? I don’t want to sound cliché, but I just want him back. I really thought he was the one. I loved him more than I had ever loved anybody. He has been confusing me. He called me ‘Love’ last night. I asked him if he was just my best friend again and he said that he would always be a little more than just a friend. What does that mean? I’m just so confused. I still love him, and I want to believe that he still loves me. I don’t want him to go through all of this alone. I had to. It is not cool. I do NOT want him to end up like me. Or like I was. I don’t even know how to show emotions anymore. Being with him brought my feelings back. He made me want to change and be happy again. I was happy with him. Happier than I have ever been. People probably think that I’m just a stupid teenage girl. I wish people had open minds and could understand how I felt. I might just start going to that psychiatrist that mom has been telling me to go to. I feel like my life doesn’t matter. What would happen if I died? What would happen if one ant was killed out of a colony of them? Nothing. Their lives would go on without a problem. I am that ant. I don’t matter, nor will I ever matter. I feel so sick. I don’t even want to leave my room, and I probably won’t today. The last time I ate was three o’clock in the afternoon yesterday, and I’m still not hungry. I would throw up whatever I ate, so I’m just not going to eat. Maybe I’ll lose some weight afterall. Hah.
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