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Today, I just broke up with my boyfriend, from the previous blog. I feel like s**t enough already, and as a normal person with normal feelings, I felt like bawling my eyes out. So I ate, and secretly cried; maybe I'd just go for a walk... so I did. And when I got to the park, I passed a few people and swung on the swings for awhile, realizing that I had absolutely no friends at all and that it was all downhill from here.

So after nervously sitting on a bench, pretending to intensely watch the tennis players in front of me at 8:30 at night, and going over in my head that my life was not a storybook and I didn't have to be the character in my head I thought I was- I decided to be brave and start a casual conversation with the group of teens not far away from me. Sure, they were still in high school, but I could use a few friends. I don't have any since I moved here a few months ago, with only my previous boyfriend who took me everywhere, and did stuff with me, and now won't even talk to me...

I got up and walked over. Doing what any normal person would do, I said the first thing that came to mind: "Do you guys have a smoke?" Great idea, huh? They rejected me, and guess what? I don't even smoke. I should have pointed out that that was a stupid idea and I was bad at starting conversations, but I walked away feeling rejected and half proud of myself at the same time: I broke my tradition. (You broke your what!?) That's right; for the first time, I decided to try and start a conversation, and damn, was that the worst way ever to start one. This is why I don't- but I have learned. It would have worked in Preston, but it doesn't work here.

Now after feeling hopeless, with no life, and rejected, I called my mom and feebly told her my attempt to start a conversation with a group of people- and now I didn't even want to face her. Humiliated, I got on gaia and told my blog about it, possibly the only source I have to communicate, besides my cell phone stocked with people who have better things to do than talk to me right now. It's only 9:24. I'm sure I will not be able to sleep right now... improv class starts soon, the only thing I'm looking forward to. Oh, and a job. Tomorrow I go to the improv theatre to volunteer- without Mark. In my life. Who I really need but can only have if we're in a relationship.

If I could- no, getting f*cked up wouldn't even work. The only friends I have are Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte, and Carrie, and they're 30 years old living in New York City. I wonder when the balance will kick in and I'll have some of the good again? Yup, the world is balanced, good and bad, and once you go up you have to come down, because you can't have one without the other. So I'm waiting for things to be okay again...