I know that times like these will come, not only now, but later on as well. I know that my job is taking wayyyy too much time from me neutral . I'm sorry....I am....but I also know it won't change what has already happen.... that's why I'm actually am furious about that scream , but at the same time, it's not like.... it's just me. I hate the fact that you're away, the fact neither one of us is independent ...yet (if we ...truly ever are neutral ...that is), oh, wait...scratch that, not that you're away.... WE ARE away from each other. And that, the only times we get to see each other, are the times that you're family can get to see you as well.... So...we must share......... that time.
I don't want to take you away from your family...... as an, when you come, I want you to spend quality time with them too, but please, LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU'RE LEAVING.
I know you put that in your status..but it's not like I'm in the computer all the time. I know I check gaia really often, but you know there are exceptions in everything. So please CALL ME.
You should have both my numbers by now, so there is no excuse .... stare
..... ....
I'm sorry...I'm just...really ...upset right now...that and depressed.....
cry I was..planing to ....I was trying to reach you.... I ... my family and I ...were going to the movies.... ... *sob* ...I was...trying to reach you...before we even left...while on our way there.... then later on while eating before the movies.... .... so ...that maybe you could catch up.... and then even while IN the threater....
I thought you would leave tomorrow.....
..... and....I actually found out you'd already left... only when I called your house once again...
I ...stupidly ...thought.... that I could see you...before you left....
because... of the entire... 'we never know what will happen'.
It crushed me...when your dad told me.....
even more...because...he thought you... *sarcastic laugh* ...had already given me your phone number... so...that I could contact you..
HA....sure.... ....right.....
I soooo wished I had no sense of anything...I ..wished for the courage to do something that could instantly kill me. But I couldn't....they were there.... already concerned ..... for me. They couldn't see my face, but they knew I was crying. ....
A lot of thoughts crossed my head.... to be honest, they haven't left yet...... I doubt they ever will...actually.
I want to say I love you and really mean it...but I can't..... my head hurts.... I'm tired of not being able to be there for you, I'm sadded by the fact I can't even see you anymore....at all....
I'm ....also rather ...let down...by me, myself....again. I ... don't even know what the heck to expect from life at this point....
I'm lost...
... and until I find peace again, will I feel like I mean what my heart feels.
Because I know I love you.... but right now it hurts to....it hurts to love you so much cry It hurts to know I'm not there... that I can't be there.... for so many attachments I have here....
also because...I'm not welcome over there like you are. (Because I would...also probably and more than likely, be the reason you'll fail to graduate from college. Because others can be there...because I'm feeling like I'm not part of you ...of your life anymore... Because I have to keep my feelings for you under lock down..so it won't hurt so much to be away from you....so it won't hurt so much to miss you....
So I can walk down the streets of -this now,- RiverHELL..without drowning down in tears recalling memories of what it's uncertain...will happen again emo ..... )
You're a prodigy, I'm ...a mess... what else could I expect?...
You've not been the only one that hasn't been acting like yourself Ryo.
I...don't even know if I should finish school..... it's not like it's going to help much...I ...could never be anyone either way.....
so...
cry .. what's the point?....
...You're an essencial part of me.... everytime you leave, it's like... a little piece of me dies.. like...it's teared apart from my soul....
It's killing me...quite frankly...
...especially right now.... emo for...just like I once wrote on that...diary...;
" But... why didn't he tell anyone . . . I-I mean *sob* he knows . . . . or at least, he should know better than me going home. . . . . . without saying good bye. .. .He should have done that for me... " ... "Leaving school w/out seeing him after school [hours] is not an option!"
And...I actually thought...it would be the same...biseverse..or however the heck that's spelled.... .... I thought...you wouldn't leave without seeing me..
...it's sad... cry ...it's sad...sad that I actually look foward little things like that....
like that and others....you haven't even thought of, I'm sure.
It's sad... for me to think....to...believe someone else would do small things like that... FOR ME.......
cry
......... ........ .. ... .... .... .. .. . ..... . . .. .... .
Other thing.... one last thing before I pass out from my headache....
you know?...the ones I get because I can't seem to stop crying, get some courage and face life the way it comes?...
yeah..that type...
Anyway...
Whenever you're planing to say...you'll do something.... DON'T SAY IT
Just do it...
how many times do I have to repeat that.....?....tell me...
just...tell me, so that... I can tired myself to death by saying it...so you'll get it.......
Give me a number...I'm sure I'll reach it .. ...I'm sure I will.
Ps; that last one, went for somethings you say you would do....like... your grandmother's potato salad.... that thing at bed...oh, and yeah..that ... thing against that someone ...doubt you'll remember who.....
anyway.... don't do anything stupid....in ANY way...just don't say you'll do things you won't do. Do them if you can, and if you can't, then don't even mention them....because I don't want your word to lose more value...than... what it already has... .... okay?.... Now, if you excuse, I'm about to pass out....
I would send you a kiss...but I feel like throwing up due to the headache...
so ...I'll just go...
pam_rdz_garcia Community Member 
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